I have recently discovered that manic periods can occur without warning...nor in regards to any triggers....this has been freeing to me
(it is not my fault)as I have blamed myself for my manic periods when I have not been able to keep a lid on my stress. It is also frightening to think that I could become manic/hypomanic without triggers.


bizi

Who on earth would think that we want to remain ill and not be better?
yes you are your right....this is the worst response!
hugs to you my dear.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Who said this? Pdoc #1, pdoc #2 and my current pdoc #3. Do they actually think I’m enjoying my life right now? Not one little bit. I can almost hear my co-workers – “Whose going to step out of that elevator today, BJ whose climbing the walls or BJ who cowers in a corner?”. Is it me? I sure don’t know anymore. Increase the Tegretol, try taking the Klonopin later. Nothing is working and the Tegretol is making me see double and dizzy. I’m rapid cycling and sometimes 2 or 3 times a day and I’m told give it time. I had to have bloodwork before I started, 3 weeks and 3 months and on and on because of all the side effects and some sort of anemia it might cause. And I don’t want to get better? I just want to stabilize that’s all. I need to shut it down, I need to sleep and stop thinking.

But she doesn’t understand or maybe doesn’t care???? I’m not so sure anymore. The ones who cared are not here and now there’s just emptiness. All I know is I’m way, way too tired for this anymore. But I have to keep saying accept it, accept it. I’m just asking for one solid night of sleep, no thoughts, no nightmares, no worries. Will it happen?

Dear Bj,
sweetie....
you sound exhausted.
can you take a hot bath and soak and be alone in the privacy of your bathroom and just soothe yourself.
this can be very relaxing...we have to learn how to fix ourselves in the chaos.
Bring it in bring in....slow everything down....take a leave of absence if that would help. Prioritize the things that you have to do and forget the rest...it can wait.
take this time to figure out how best to take care of you.
try to avoid negative people if you can.
write out letters in your own time to tell the unsupportive people how you are really feeling...frustrated with your medical professionals for not listening.
Do you have a therapist on your side?
I wish that the medicine rollar coaster would slow down for you.
I really do.
((((HUGS))))
for you girlie
bizi
p.s. 1mg of klonipin wipes me out at night...hubby said I was snoring...but I also take geodon at night and lamictal at night too.

Thanks Bizi for the advice. A hot bath sounds good and maybe it will help me sleep. I just turned the heat up to get it all warm and toasty thinking that would help. So far the Klonopin hasn't kicked in but hopefully, please soon. I can't go on like this much more. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I do have a lot of negative in my life right now and people have hurt me immensely by their words and their glares. That's why I found this thread hit home because I've heard it all.

Thanks for reminding me that there are people who do care and making me feel not so alone in all this.

Bizi

Ack, BJ! They are being very inconsiderate.

I believe you want to be well. I believe we all desperately want to be well.

Just don't give up on yourself. Give up bad docs, give up bad meds, give up on bad people, but fight for yourself. New doc with new ideas? Maybe another med combo with less side effects.

Hold on, honey. Just hang on.

Know that you are never alone
and I hope you get some sleep. double up on the klonipin
(for now) and call your pdoc to get the ok to do this.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

We lived in the midwest. My son became bipolar and we got a lot of the same comments from relatives. WE finally just decided to move away.

Slept two hours maybe in two nights. I've cleaned and cleaned and worked in the yard and should have slept like a babe. But I roamed and walked and organized and organized some more.

I look like a zombie. Can't take time off, have to get the billable time in because I'm salary. Called my pdoc, give the Tegretol time, it's only been two weeks. Won't give me anything else to help me sleep. Should I start all over with another pdoc? Not sure, not sure of anything except that I'm exhausted.

Who will I be today? When will "it" happen?

I feel like I'm in the eye of a hurricane just spinning and spinning. Alone in my thoughts, alone in my fears. But I must go to work and put on a happy face and pretend all is well in my world.

BTW, Mrs. Bear I love you in the straight hair.