well other than managing the overdraught lol, you managed the tdoc message very well. it was perfect. left her a perfect opening and she took it. i am glad you get to keep your appointment.

~ waves ~

This is great!
bizi

Tdoc and I had our session.

I did not want to do hypnosis because I have no one (NO ONE AT ALL) to talk to and I needed to talk.

We talked about upcoming travel that I have with hubby and work buddy, being aware how much
Work Buddy is being affected from the anniversary of colleague's death one year ago, . . .

She is encouraging me to be open about the idea of speech therapy. I guess I sound like carp with I talk to her.

M

Dear Mari

totally understand about needing to talk. pdoc is my sounding board. i can talk to my parents... but the results can be unpredictable. i no longer have accessible friends i can see face to face.

regarding the speech. i am guessing she was being frank and that she was speaking in your best interest.

here is something you can do to investigate for yourself. either your mac or your phone probably have the capability builtin. the phone should be able to let you record a voice memo or vocal command. record yourself. play it back. see how it sounds to you. often when we speak we don't objectively "hear ourselves" ... in a recording it is as though we are hearing someone else. this technique is used in teaching foreign languages, to make students aware of the differences between their own pronunciation, and the correct pronunciation. recording/hearing my own the outgoing message on my voicemail once is what clued me in that at times i still have a British "lilt." LOL. i also know a non-native speaker who balked when she recorded herself speaking English for the first time. She'd been fluent for years and had never realized she had an accent - she asked me, "Do i really sound like that?! ")

being open about speech therapy seems like a good thing, even though i don't know how you sound. tdoc was not saying you have to do it. however, i think after the stroke you went through some really heavy denial about its impact. even to the extent you were aware of difficulties with verbal exchanges, this in itself made it difficult to get through the bureaucracy of making appointments. to top it off the particular the speech therapist that you did attempt to go to didn't seem to work out. i remember the process was very frustrating, and more than you could handle at the time. many things were difficult at the time, and you were in shock.

you were told something about a window for speech recovery. well fine, and i'm sure for optimal results that can be true, but do remember that speech therapy is not that far off from taking a class in speech, enunciation, or learning foreign language sounds. you would be relearning anyway which is easier. i am saying that it isn't an all or nothing deal just because you didn't go within the window they suggested, and that if YOU decide your speech needs improvement, i believe it CAN be done. you'll need a therapist who is kind, patient, and has open views. (i personally think these should be requirements for all therapists, but alas... )

that said, perhaps right now is not quite a good time to move on this... maybe let the impact of this anniversary go by. but when you are feeling more yourself again, perhaps do the recording yourself experiment, and give it a thought.

~ waves ~

I really like what waves said.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hi,
It's good that I can talk about this here.

I was not in denial. I was totally aware that my speech and other parts of me were messed up. I had to convince myself to carry on in order to keep my job. Also to keep our jobs, Work Buddy and I spent a year dismantling a huge bureaucratic mess at our work place. (We nearly lost our jobs in the process.) We did succeed in 85% of our goal. Now we are working on other things that feel urgent but not job threatening.
It was hard to do that when I could barely read for the first 6 months.


I have dealt with four speech therapists. None of which was appropriate.
My internist will be willing to write a 'script for me.
We can hope that insurance will pay.
The co-pay will be at least 30 dollars a visit.

My internist is not sure that the big speech center in town will take me as a patient. She anticipates that I will need to push my case a little because I am high functioning (she says) for the general public but in a work place that requires high functioning. I have not been to see internist since last May. I want to renew Gabapentin 'script and get 'script for speech.

I told tdoc I did not have high expectations for finding a good therapist but was hopeful. She did not repeat the word "hopeful." She used the word "open" as in "I was open to getting a good therapist."

I need time in the summer to deal with phone calls, insurance, setting up testing, keeping appointments. This 2012 summer is the first time since the stroke in 2009 that I can do this.

I accidentally recorded myself recently on something --- maybe it was on the iPod. I can try to look for how to do it again.

Yes. Thanks. I thought of that. It could be taught a little like learning a foreign language is taught. . . .That's good . . . .although I stink at foreign language . . .esp pronunciation.

Mari

it sounds like more stress. is anybody complaining? you have been under so much stress just from the stroke forgetting about all the rest of the stress in your life.
bobby

i am sooooo sorry Mari. That must have been awful for you. it was my impression at the time, that some denial was going on, but what you describe here sounds more like being between the devil and the deep blue sea - i understand now that you chose to soldier on in spite of your medical needs, time being limited, in order to survive your workplace and its horrible climate at that time.

wow. i did not realize that many. that stinks.

makes sense. you need someone who will work with patients whose needs exceed "high-functioning for general public."

yes. the functionality is probably simple to activate (once you find it), if you did it accidentally. good luck - i hope it is useful to you.


here's wishing you all the best whatever you decide and yes, keep talking about this here if it helps.

~ waves ~