i can't get to my pdoc today.

i am too unwell. i got ill while trying to get ready and he is far away - even if i had felt better in time it would not have been safe, i had two bouts already.

i called and he was kind enough to agree to doing a phone session during our scheduled time.

i am calmer now... but i am still VERY UPSET!!!!! ( i feel handicappyed by STUPID STUFF and yet i know better than to blow things off because i already did that once (that was d/t migraine, but same principle) and fell, and now i have a messed up knee to show for it.

the way i am, anything can happen from losing balance to pass out cold. i don't need to end up with a TBI or something. so i am just very upset.

i just feel like i can't do anything any more nothing is going right and nobody wants to figure out anything getting labs drawn is like pulling teeth... even my pdoc whose damn drug could well have been causing this - oh yes, i have now dropped my zoloft, just i don't know if it was that is all. but it takes a damm blood draw.

i took a lorazepam for the first time in a very long time... months. in fact, i only took a half because it's been so long i didn't want it to put me out. it wasn't even for anxiety. it was because i was crying uncontrollably. also i hoped it would get my heart rate to stay more even keel since every time i lift a finger it goes berserk. and not like crying helps. (the stupid heart pills they gave me back when only made me cough more and more, and did not make me feel any better in terms of fatigue which at that time, was my main symptom.) so anyway i figured lorazepam.

and i tell you i am so greatful for whoever invented the drug. yet today, after not needing it for so long... i felt SO ASHAMED. i felt like such a LETDOWN somehow, to myself, for having to take it. it felt like "oh no, here we go - NOT AGAIN."

i realize some of this might be withdrawal from removing the zoloft despite tapering. use over several months causes 5-HT receptor downregulation (probably why they poop out). prollem is when you pull the drug, you end up with less serotonin circulating. the brain will sort itself out soon enough. i needed the zoloft out of the picture for multiple reasons at this point --having to treat on eggs with my mig meds, not just our suspicion of hyponatremia going back months now.

i am so sick of this. i don't know where to turn. even pdoc is like. he sits and listens and "wonders" with me and i feel like he's on my side but then when the session is over... i'm on my own another week... and so it goes. who cares if i can't get anywhere, will miss the boat totally on my training course, etc etc etc.... it ain't raining on his parade.

waves