i can't get to my pdoc today.

i am too unwell. i got ill while trying to get ready and he is far away - even if i had felt better in time it would not have been safe, i had two bouts already.

i called and he was kind enough to agree to doing a phone session during our scheduled time.

i am calmer now... but i am still VERY UPSET!!!!! ( i feel handicappyed by STUPID STUFF and yet i know better than to blow things off because i already did that once (that was d/t migraine, but same principle) and fell, and now i have a messed up knee to show for it.

the way i am, anything can happen from losing balance to pass out cold. i don't need to end up with a TBI or something. so i am just very upset.

i just feel like i can't do anything any more nothing is going right and nobody wants to figure out anything getting labs drawn is like pulling teeth... even my pdoc whose damn drug could well have been causing this - oh yes, i have now dropped my zoloft, just i don't know if it was that is all. but it takes a damm blood draw.

i took a lorazepam for the first time in a very long time... months. in fact, i only took a half because it's been so long i didn't want it to put me out. it wasn't even for anxiety. it was because i was crying uncontrollably. also i hoped it would get my heart rate to stay more even keel since every time i lift a finger it goes berserk. and not like crying helps. (the stupid heart pills they gave me back when only made me cough more and more, and did not make me feel any better in terms of fatigue which at that time, was my main symptom.) so anyway i figured lorazepam.

and i tell you i am so greatful for whoever invented the drug. yet today, after not needing it for so long... i felt SO ASHAMED. i felt like such a LETDOWN somehow, to myself, for having to take it. it felt like "oh no, here we go - NOT AGAIN."

i realize some of this might be withdrawal from removing the zoloft despite tapering. use over several months causes 5-HT receptor downregulation (probably why they poop out). prollem is when you pull the drug, you end up with less serotonin circulating. the brain will sort itself out soon enough. i needed the zoloft out of the picture for multiple reasons at this point --having to treat on eggs with my mig meds, not just our suspicion of hyponatremia going back months now.

i am so sick of this. i don't know where to turn. even pdoc is like. he sits and listens and "wonders" with me and i feel like he's on my side but then when the session is over... i'm on my own another week... and so it goes. who cares if i can't get anywhere, will miss the boat totally on my training course, etc etc etc.... it ain't raining on his parade.

waves

Just letting you know that I'm thinking of you.

I've not been around NT/any internet much for a while so haven't been able to keep up with how you are doing. I'm sorry.

Coming off Zoloft can be quite yuk even if you tapered. I have always worried and wondered about how much we rely on counsellors or doctors who have their stop-watch going and then *bing*... time's up.
Walk out the door/hang up the phone as time is up. Say what?! How scary.

I wish you well waves. Many of the feelings you describe in you msg are very familiar.

I don't have the answers to help you there today and tomorrow I'm sorry, but hold on

(((((HUGS))))
I am sorry you fell and hurt your knee.
please be careful with yourself.
bizi

Thinking of you...

Dear Waves,

I am sorry. Pdoc needed to do more for you.
Has the benzo helped somewhat?

M

Waves

I send you hugs.

Hope your knee starts to feel better soon.

Donna

Thank you, Everyone.

--------------------------

Dear Lara

Yes, the Zoloft just wasn't helping though - time to get rid of it since it was
-- a potential cause in the physical illbeing
-- a limitation to my use of more functional migraine meds

I am trying to be suggestive by focusing on good tryptophan-rich foods, already part of my diet but I will make extra sure i get enough daily. I hope that my brain will take a hint and make more serotonin to bridge the gap (no pun intended) since the reuptake potentiation has been removed. And ultimately up-regulate the altered receptor population to pre-Zoloft state.

I've been more off than on here lately so i know what you mean in that regard and don't worry.

Thanks for your understanding and kind words. It really means a lot to me.

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~

Dear Bizi and Donna

of course as i haven't been around much there haven't been updates so it may sound new. but it's not new. I don't know if either of you remember i hurt myself when i fell back in i think March or April - i was teaching at the time. i banged myself up pretty bad (many joints hurt, especially knee and ankles) Well since the knee started to feel worse i had it seen maybe June and the ortho gave me a cartilage regeneration supplement i have to take for 90 days (i have i ~ 1 month left). he ordered an MRI which he viewed in the followup visit. He said if i didn't improve the only alternative was surgery. But he also said that that surgery might worsen things. the damage is to the meniscus but it is to a small area.

I have found out there is something called PST (Pulsed Signal Therapy) which might be helpful. I need to look up local availability and costs of PST - it is on the list as long as my arm of things to look up that have to do with staying "OK" ... things are added to this list faster than i can look them up... it makes me think of a a devil's contract, drives me insane.

BUT MY KNEE: Just to reassure you guys, i can walk normally on this knee. just no stairs, no weights, no squatting (no lots of stuff). but it isn't like i am on crutches so i am grateful for that. one thing at a time, sometimes it seems like it has improved and i can do more things without pain. other times it hurts like the dickens without even doing anything.

yes with my current issues i have to make sure i am steady on the feet and not having dizzy or faint spells when i go out.

when i hurt my knee i had pain-killed a severe migraine with massive ibuprofen but i still had a plethora of sx, including improper balance - lucky i did not break my face when i fell. so yes i AM being careful at the risk of being taken for a dang ninny.

thank you for the ((((hugs))))) and backatcha!

Thanks for the wellwishes Donna and to you too.

~ waves ~

Dear Jo*mar

Thanks so much. I really appreciate your support.

~ waves ~

Dear Mari

Thanks Mari.

And yes he really did - boy did he.

And yesterday took the cake it really did.

I currently do not have an appointment with pdoc, and I do not intend on making one. The way I feel right now, I never want to see him again. This feeling supersedes any guilt about his seeing me free of charge, considering reassurances he has made in the past and his behavior yesterday.

I am very tired now so i will come back later to post an update about that supposed "phone session."

The benzo did help somewhat. Prolly the whole 2.5 woulda been better though considering what was to come... sheesh.

~ waves ~