Just wanted to introduce my self, I'm Sadlyme. After 17 years of dealing with this, I don't know where else to turn but to the people who are Bi-Polar. Hoping to get answers, that I and my p-docs are missing. Hoping, praying to bear my soul so someone will understand.

I don't understand the years I've suffered with no help, I don't understand how you can walk into a p-doc and all of a sudden your Bi-Polar with ADD. I'm almost to the point of giving up, I found this forum. I read for hours the stories you had shared. The honesty with which each one was revealed. "Amazing". I hope I can be excepted here. I'm just frankly lost, with docs, wife and family the trapping of SSI, my world has no light at the end of the tunnel. Everywhere I turn I see a stop sign, I lay for days in bed just staring out the window. Thats me, hope you understand..

me

Hi sadlyme,

I want to welcome you to the forum, it's not easy getting a diagnosis, I myself resisited the dx of BP II from my first T, but after the second one told me she thought I was BP II then I had to start accepting it. When the medication she prescribed me helped I knew it was time to embrace what being BP means.

I wish I could say there is some positive aspect of the dx but I really can't. At least I am capable of writing...If I wasn't creative and able to express my feelings in my poetry an stories I would lose it. I often wonder what life would be like if I didn't write, but for whatever reason I don't have much of a choice in the matter, I just have to write or I get depressed. I am glad you joined us, I hope it helps to know you're not alone being sad and disppointed in finding yourself with this label/diagnosis.

The good news is medication can help and so can finding your outlet, whatever it might be, some people write like me and others read or listen to music to feel better. I have a son so I can't let myself lay in bed or he won't be taken care of, so I don't know what that's like anymore. I remember before the dx and before knowing why I got so darn depressed I would just lie around and cry until I couldn't physically cry anymore, the anxiety and panic ran rampant in my life and I was really suffering constantly.

I figure I might have to take meds for the rest of my life and if that is the cost of being stable so be it. Because on medication I have found a nice level where I am not depressed or nearly as anxious as I used to get. I can be happy with my life because of my son's light in my life, so that brings me much joy. I hope that you can find the place where you are stable and able to get out of bed and be content. It's hard to find, but when you do hang onto it and enjoy it, because it's stable times that you have tl remember when the bad times hit you. At least that is what I try to do.

If you need to talk we're here for you sadlyme.

Hi, Sadlyme,



Lots of people spend years before they have a proper diagnosis. Your experience is not uncommon.
The good news about bipolar is that it is treatable.


I hope that the stop signs go away.
It sounds like you have been taking some big steps on the road to good health.


Mari

Hi and welcome to the forum. I can certainly understand your frustrations and feeling of trapped. The P-doc issues are so familar.

When in a life altering situation you lose the person you were and and recreate the new you. It is almost like grieving the loss of you and finding a person you are happy being...But, that is easier said thenm done. I think it takes us forever to refix, accept and try to walk in a new pair of shoes. Especially a pair that were not our first choice.

BUT about your name. sadlyme, makes a statement, how you feel. But here, you are Especiallyme.....
You are a special person really. Even in sadness you can still be kind, caring and heart opening. So you are special here.

I hope that you can find friends, support and some answers from the gang.
Dianne

Here I sit, laptop in hand wanting to get much needed sleep. But I know it won't happen. I have become afraid to fall to sleep for what lyes in my dreams. The same recurring nightmare over and over. Like my life, over and over stuck in a vacuum of depression and loneliness. The total isolation I live in has been created by myself. I try to tell people I want to break out, I've been here long enough. But my life keeps dragging along, empty. My God don't people think I want to get out of the fog. I guess like most people here if you good only put some-else in your place for a day, they would understand.

The meds I've tried them all, the ringing in my ears, headackes you know the rest. Sheer agatation! From the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. The mood stabizers just don't seem to work. I have to find a way to get out of this room I've shut myself in. It's my safe haven, does that make since? Wanting to get out but I'm a shut in.. I've often thought I've been sick so long, I don't know the real me anymore, am I afaird to see what comes out the other side?

Well it's almost 2am, time to go. Thanks for being here. ((Sadlyme))

DiMarie,
Just wanted to say thank you for your kindness, your right about making a complete life change. Do people just have to take you as you are after you recreate yourself? Like I said, I don't know the real me anymore. I just can't seem to get over the hump.

Hi,
I understand not wanting to go to bed for apprehension about what you will meet in your sleep. Sleep should be a relief and a way to regenerate for the next day. Too often, it doesn't bring those blessings.

I was diagnosed in 1988. Since then I have lowered my meds.
Right now I am on Verapamil (mood stabilizer) and Klonopin. They are mostly doing their job.
I wish I had more energy but before I was diagnosed I had a lot of mixed episodes. I am grateful to be out of that.

Dianne is right in that after diagnosis we go through a long phase of re-examining our life and mourning our old life. Therapists can help with this. So can writing/keeping a journal.
I had to mourn the plans I had for my life, the plans for the life that could have been.

What meds have you tried? Maybe people here have some good ideas that you can take to your pdoc.

Are you on meds now that are causing depression?

Can you go somewhere for a 20 minute walk? A walk can do amazing things to help the brain. Can you go out in the sunshine (depending on your weather)? Sunshine can be healing in many ways.

Keep writing.
You will find the real you. Keep faith.
M.

Well I will share what my current pdoc has me on and see where it falls with the rest of you.

Depakote ER 1000mg @ Bedtime
Seroquel 300mg @ Bedtime
Seroquel 100mg X three per day
Lexapro 20mg @ 9am
Wellbutran 150mg @ 9am
Xanax 2mg X 2 per day
Ambien 10mg @ Bedtime
Ritalin 20mg X 2 per day

I'm a zombie, still no sleep, I can't function on this. I can't read a book the lack of concentration, it's a wonder I can sit and type. To be honest I don't know if this is the norm or the obscure. But I've been on most (MAOI's) (SSRI) and Triclads to no avail. maybe it's time for ETC.

So there it is blow it apart..

me

Hi and welcome. I know what you mean by the amount of meds you need just to function. I was on a bunch of meds before my dx in October now another was added.
I try and think that at least it was finally caught, about 20 years too late but at least it was caught. It is frustrating.
There are also days that I stare out the window and stare at nothing. Then there are days where I am fine.
Keep your head up and glad you found us!

Hi Sadlyme. Sorry to hear you are having such a rough time with the meds. I wish it wasn't so hard to find the right mix. sigh

I am BP and my son is BP with psychosis. He has been on just about everything as well and he is finally getting some relief on his current meds, but he is still REALLY fragile. If his health or his sleep habits change, he is manic and halucinating. Maybe I can give you some of our experience to think over?

Ritalin was a very poor drug for my son. It caused his first psychotic episode at 11 years old. Wellbutrin also caused him to go into a dissassociative state for a month or so. He was doing and speaking but had no idea what he was doing or where he was.

Seroquel worked for him for a very long time. But he finally burnt it out and is now on Abilify. He is still taking Depakote, which works well, but he has to take a second mood stabilizer (Lamictal) because he was breaking through the highest dose of the Depakote.

He hasn't tried the other drugs you listed, but I tried Lexapro without a mood stablizer, and I had a rotten experience. Got manic-y.

Nobody is the same. Our bodies all react differently. So just think on some of the things I've said and please don't adjust your meds without your pdoc. I would feel so guilty.

I would just love to help you from my and my son's experiences. That's all.



Sunshine could help with the depression. We all seem to need a little more of it than other folks.