Dear Butterfly,

That was such a short time ago and she was such a big part of your life.


Did you go back to your hair dresser's church again. Did you like it?

M

Butterfly Yes. That is a major loss. I'm so sorry that you lost your friend,and it wasn't long ago. I'm sending Hugs. BF

Hi,

Today, I found a voice message on the answering machine from the ER doc last week. He had called at 10:45 in the morning to ask if I was alright.

M

that was sweet of him.

bizi

I keep having this recurring dream and she's there and she's telling me that it was all a big misunderstanding and that she's not really dead. And I'm so relieved. Then I wake up and I'm so upset that it was just a dream. I have asked God to not let me dream this anymore, but I still am. At least 5 times now. Most recently this week. I'm not going to lie, this is hard. I thought as time passed it would get easier, but I find it is getting harder. It's like all sinking in that her number will never show up on my caller ID again. Her car's never going to pull up into my driveway again. I've known these things since the funeral but living the reality of it is hard.

At her dad's funeral end of October, her husband asked me if I would go over and go through her closet. He said he didn't know what to do with all her clothes and that he thought she would want me to have it. He said ya'll are the same size. I just froze. He said I'm sorry do you think that's morbid? I said no, oh my God no, it's just that... and then I couldn't stop crying. I love her husband and feel so bad for him. I try to talk to him, but seeing him reminds me of her and I mostly cry instead of talk and I feel bad about it b/c I can tell it makes him uncomfortable. At the funeral home we were talking, after talking about the closet, about their daughter how she was doing in school, and I started crying again. And he just abruptly stopped talking and said I have to go ya'll, I have to go get a bottle of water, and then he hugged me and walked away. It felt weird. I felt so bad. I still feel bad when I think about it. I think he had to get away from me because I kept crying. He is the thinist I've ever seen him and I'm not an expert but I think he's still in shock. He's doing the best he can going to work and caring for their daughter (3rd grade). He has no time for much else. I don't know where I was going with this... this was the week my in-laws were here... thanks for listening...

Mari we have been back to that Baptist church several times and are really enjoying it. We only didn't go last Sunday because we had colds. The Sunday before that Mr. Butterfly went with the children and I stayed home. That's how I know my husband really likes it there, otherwise he would have just stayed home with me. I was actually surprised that he went.

One of the associate pastors and his wife have been extra friendly to us. They even sent me a friend request on facebook. Their children's ages are about the same as ours. She sent me a fb message saying "do you drink coffee? maybe one night our husbands could watch the children and we could go have coffee? I'd love to get to know you better. If you ever need anything, let us know." She seems really nice. Of course in the past I realize I have been a bad judge of character, so I probably should be more cautious, but for now I am going with that she's nice, until proven otherwise.

Mari - Were you able to make it to your meeting this morning? I'm sorry you're not okay. I hope you are not afraid of going to bed tonight. May it be as welcoming arms, no anxiety. I wish little fairies could come while I am on the computer and brush my teeth and put my P.J's on, and my face cream. I, too, don't enjoy the whole bedtime routine.

And I am so grateful, you'll never know!!!! Lately I feel very ALONE. Even though my children are with me 24 hours a day. So I go on facebook, I guess for some interaction with people. So I'll post something. And when only 1 or 2 people "like" my post, it's like it just validates that I have no one in this world, no one who cares about what's going on in my life. Just typing this sounds so high schoolish, yet I feel this way. I don't want to cancel my account because it is the only way that I can keep in touch with some of the people in my life. I see my new pdoc in 2 1/2 weeks and I think I'd be to embarrassed to talk about this. Doc, I think I'm suffering from facebook rejection. Kidding aside, I think I am mildly depressed.

Wow, a caring doctor, what a blessing

A deceased person in your life is like a tremendous void left behind. I'm so sorry. I'm sure there is shock,and trauma about her death. I'm so sorry. You will get through this. Try not to figure this out. It will be painful,and you probably won't ever know why.

I'm so glad that you found a good church. The person that you are talking about sounds nice. It hurts,but try to trust the person when you have known the person for a while. The person may be a genuinely nice/friendly/helpful/loving person. BF

Hi, Butterfly,

Yeah. Over time the pain is different, not necessarily better . . . at least for a while. And new feelings can crop up. I think there is no rhyme or reason to how this works except that sometimes it can come in waves . . . it lessons for a little while and then comes back. Then comes back eventually with less intensity and less often.
Then certain things will trigger the memories. Eventually those become good moments maybe.

Some families do this with clothes. It made sense to him but not to you and that is o.k. You could still contact him to ask him if he has the clothes. You might want a few pieces of hers to remember her by. Or you could take a few pieces to help him feel better about things. It might be a way for him to honor her memory.


Can't you drop him off some food that you either buy on the way or cook at home? Or maybe he does not feel like eating and if you invited him and their child, it would be good for the both of them. If you can handle seeing him, it might be good for him and for you.

This is very good news.


In box her a "Yes" about the coffee. That is wonderful. You do not have to become close friends with her. Maybe you will become coffee friends.
The more people you meet, the more likely one of them is to connect you with someone who becomes a close friend.

Mari