[waves]

THE worst new years i've had was when i was in bed with severe respiratory depression due to accidental ingestion of a potent neuroleptic meant for someone else.

THIS has been the second worst. my parents are being coo-cooey with each other. i have never felt so alone in my life. my humble gifts consisting mostly of more-exotic than usual nut thingies than we'd have the rest of the year have been left unopened and untouched. i gave dad moncheri's which he loves and mom won't let him touch them because he had been sick (before christmas - he's fine now).

On new years that did not prevent him from having bunches of alcohol. We'd agreed on a glass of sweet liquorous wine with our christmas bread at 11. Then he said he'd like the champagne for the midnight toast, rather than wait for the next day. I opened it a few minutes before midnight because sometimes it's hard to get the cork started, but it came off easy so the glasses were ready early. i said to hold off drinking it till midnight (this is a ritual)! So what does he do? He went and poured another full glass of the liquorous (potent) wine (which is meant to be sipped). He had to chug it when the countdown started. Then he toasted with the champagne, without a palate breaker in between. Wasted champagne imho and that ****** me off because had i dreamed he would do that I would have opened it the following day. Champagne is a once-a-year deal to me and special, and he knew it too. Slap in the face to me and my %&&%% champagne.

I bought my mom some little anti-slip footies that are color coordinated with a new sweatsuit she got recently for indoors. they are antique-rose. so the other night my dad was wearing them. they are women's size and he has big feet. plus he put them over another pair of thick socks!!! she said she just wanted him to try them so she could get him something like it. i told her trying them is fine but they'd get deformed if he kept them on. she blew me off. the next morning, he was STILL wearing them over his other socks! it's nice she wants to take care of him but but it isn't nice she acts like she could care less about what i gave her. i know people say it's the thought that counts. but destroying these sockies is like, my "thought" is getting "discarded" right before my eyes and without a care.

yesterday afternoon mom decided to have coffee and christmas bread. she offered it to dad. she didn't offer me any. time elapsed. i asked if she was going to have any. she said already did. i said well i would have had some. she barked at me that if i'd heard her offer dad, i should have spoken up then. well i had not heard his answer (which was no), and since no bread appeared, i thought perhaps it had been deferred. no, she just didn't bother asking me, and cut herself a slice and ate it in the kitchen. back to the feeling like a third wheel. and it isn't like i've been here a short time now.

i finally got overwhelmed by the little things. they are little things i know. i tried to tell myself that. but i tried hard to do things to have a festive spirit. and i feel ridiculous. like nothing i did counts. and these little things really kill festive spirit for me.

in the past when we give each other food, it was opened and shared. also if one gave someone a personal item, such as clothing (the footies), they wouldn't go and pass it on much less do something that could harm it, only 3 days later.

there's a few other little things. but this is a long post and you catch the drift.

i have been feeling really ridiculous because they are all little things. but they really added up. and i started to feel bad... and then with each new thing I felt worse. i ended up crying today. i tried to figure out what about it bothered me - what the feelings were. if it was more of an ego blow, or feeling offended, or angry. there was definitely some anger, but behind it was a lot of hurt, ridicule, and... loneliness. and some betrayal, because of words not matching actions.

i tried to speak to my father and he says i am being infantile and complaining of trivialities. he said i am acting like i'm in kindergarten. maybe he is right. but to me, there is a lot of symbolism, ritual and tradition in these things. that is what makes a would be triviality feel much more meaningful. i was trying to honor it, and they keep stomping on it. that is upsetting. if that is infantile, then yes, i am being infantile.

icing on the cake, dad started off responding to me by saying it was good that i spoke up and got things off my chest. he then proceeded pour salt in the wounds by calling me infantile, while showing no empathy as to the fact that infantile or not, i actually felt hurt and no attempt to understand. no questions. just a ruling on my feelings as infantile, period.

how would it be good, then, to have spoken up? some gall! i have the same hurt as before, plus added injury of his rulings.

i don't want to see another new year ever.

~ waves ~

[Brokenfriend]

That would make me aggravated also. Your not being infantile,but he's being insensitive. If he called me infantile,it would make me angry.

I'm sorry that you are in a situation where you meant to give a special gift to your mother,and your father is stretching it out of shape,and they are both not listening to you. BF

[Dmom3005]

Hugs Waves

Wish I could give them in person.

I wish I were there to help make your new year better.

Donna

[Mari]

Dear Waves,



These things you mention are not small. And you mention that there are other incidents that you do not include in the post.
They are being inconsiderate and hurtful. Isolating you like that could make anyone depressed or angry or both --- especially after you try to speak to him and he is dismissive.
I am sorry you are hurting.


Mari

[bizi]

I am sorry waves, I would be hurt too.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[mymorgy]

i am sending tons and tons of hugs. it really sounds as if your parents are disengaging. that happens to a lot of people as they grow older and beware the people around them. I don't think there is a solution. I would stop buying presents since they only wound you. I think it would wound you to stop but wound you more to give. I know what it is like living with cruel parents. It all adds up. I was afraid to live alone with my parents. they could be so brutal.
I think you have to develop a strategy to erect some kind of wall even though it isn't pleasant. but they can really cut you, especially your father who seems the warmest. your mother seems so cold. can you search for things that soothe you?
Love
bobby

[butterfly11]

I'm sorry all what went on during the holidays waves. Your gifts and the way you planned out the champagne for New Years sound very thoughtful. I am sorry that it wasn't reciprocated and appreciated. Some people just don't get it, even when we spell it out. I'm sorry that it's that way with your parents.

[katmae]

dear waves,I am so sorry that they treated you like that this dose not sound like small things to me you took a lot of time and energy to make the holidays a festive and happy time and they did not seem to appresheate it at all I would have been very hurt and disapointed send you lots of hugs,you are a good and careing person and if they can't see that you were trying to do something specal shame on them

[DiMarie]

Sorry waves, I learn not to set goals or expectations any more as I near 60. Just doing the motions and get through without fights. Can't please them, can only be happy in yourself. I think having grown children they think I act childish, and could grow up missing the point that I am being light hearted.
Hugs that you have a nicer New Year each one you receive.
Love
Di

[waves]

EVERYONE

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful support here. i know i am late replying ... i felt really embarrassed by the whole incident. Even after i saw my therapist, who also said i was not being infantile but that dad was being insensitive.

He feels my parents have a limited capacity for empathy. I have thought that about each of them at different times, but they are quite distinct. I believe my mother is capable of empathy, and actually has a great deal of it, but unfortunately she has overwhelming difficulty expressing it, or even expressing positive feelings. she even has trouble accepting compliments.

My dad on the other hand can seem like a an incredible sweetheart, really charming, magnanimous, and indeed a saint at times. Then, at other times (say, if you cross him, challenge something, or ... not sure of all the logic here) he can get really nasty. I've seen him get mean with my mom too. I think it doesn't seem as bad to her, because she grew up with much worse, and in that day it was commonplace.

I used to think it was just when he drank, but now i know that it is not, since he doesn't really drink any more (thank goodness). He actually seems to have a real Jekyll/Hyde dealy going on. Most often we see the Jekyll. However, it seems the Hyde is always there, always lurking - and it is indeed hydeous forgive the pun. I don't think he is a bad person, but despite the fact that he yells less and seems more convivial than my mother, and more often, i believe he is damaged in a way that makes him more hurtful than my mother, and even potentially dangerous, if "only" to my psyche.

=============================
I want to come back to answer some of your specific posts... a few of you made some very acute comments, that were - and will be - very helpful to me.

For now, i just want to say, that mom actually helped me out here with this situation.

the following day there was a ruccus between them over dad's meds and finding a box of stuff he does not usually take. my mom had a possible explanation (leftover) but he kept insisting someone had made a mistake... he always needs someone to blame... yadayada... and i order his meds most of the time... erhemm. as it was, i had ordered some minutes earlier, because he was out. so i go into his room and lay a high-on-my-horse statement including the words "infantile, kindergarten, incompetent" (referring to self), said meds were ordered and told him he was welcome to do the pick up, verification of med scripted, verification of exemption, purchase, and verification of package handed to him, himself... later, tomorrow, or next week... yes i was mad.

ok mom... well when she came into the living room i blew gaskets about his and my conversation the day before which she had not heard about. her reaction was very goodnatured. for one, she brought me her sockies to show me they were not deformed, and assured me no harm would come to them. she acknowledged seeing that i was upset when i first saw him wearing them but she thought it would be ok because it was only a temporary thing. then without further ado, she found some jars, and broke out some of the goodies i had bought, and set them out where we have the fruit. she tried to give me an explanation why they weren't opened. in any case she didn't trivialize my feelings or my case or anything. she just did some things to show that what i did mattered after all, which i thought was really nice. this is her way of being empathetic. she is not someone who gives hugs, says i'm sorry, or i love you. but it was clear she "heard" me, and responded with reassuring actions.

after that, i felt better. however i am still at odds with my dad. i got a bit obsessed ... which is a problem i have, i know. but i also keep thinking back
to the huge altercation he and i had in september... i am starting to realize some things about my dad that i had not before.

again, thank you all so much. i am so grateful for all of you. you all keep me afloat when i give up swimming.

~ waves ~ who has got rid of today's migraine and, hoping it won't return, is off to watch Poirot! (oh cool! they have the English audio this time! YIPPEE! )