Dear Bobby,

Sorry it's taken me SOOOOOOOOOOOO long to reply. i am being so haphazard with replies.

thank you for the hugs. and backatcha too! that is interesting about people disengaging as they grow older. I didn't know that. It is so sad.
i have been asking myself some morbid and fearful questions, like which of them will die first and which would i prefer to live alone with. which comes down to which would i rather go first. morbid. maybe my pdoc would say i am being realistic but it feels morbit. i try to put it out of my mind, but every now and then...

Yes, i don't know how to do the wall. It might have to not be a wall, but some other sort of mechanism. Like maybe learn how to have the feelings and then let them flow past. That would be a biggie for me.

boy you hit both nails on the head here. yes. in fact as i posted just about i have started wondering about my dad's turnabouts... and it isn't a new thing. indeed... dad is such a sweetheart, except when he's not, and then he can be really vicious. i think it is splitting. which means i have to work around it like you say. and also try to avoid setting it off if i can.

lately, even though i do feel compassion for my dad, i have trouble feeling close to him. this happened last time he has the bad outburst... i fear it will become permanent and perhaps that's reasonable. Because it isn't realistic or safe to trust him with my emotions.

it's so hard. i wish it weren't so. i still question it.

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Mom is a totally different story. she can seem and act cold but i don't believe she is. And while she may have moods she doesn't have total personality switcharoos from saint to villain. She has a lot of repressed emotions. My read on her is rage, shame, and profound sadness. i believe these all "surface" as anger. I think being angry is a safety valve for her. The littlest things can set her off too, but for the most part she is just angry, not angry with a person in particular. She might rant and rave on her own when she drops a sock, or finds a scratch on a plate, or any tiny thing. It's a "heavy background music" but it isn't dished out personally most of the time.

Of course, engaging her when she's in full throttle vent mode one she will behave angrily... speak sharply and loudly etc. I don't see this as having resolution either, as she has always abjectly refused to see a therapist. Some things I do with her though is to ask her to lower her tone or not speak sharply as this is not an argument. If she continues, I've said things like "ok either speak to me in a calmer tone or i'm done with this conversation for now." that sometimes works. sometimes, if she can't do it, she'll at least leave me alone.

Also she can be kind, although she will often do so cautiously. She is not much for physical closeness. Easier for her to offer you a cup of tea than a hug. I think it has to do with not trusting people with her emotions, and i can understand why. Just have to take her cups of tea very symbolically. When she is calm we can do things together that are more intellectual/emotional. Like watch movies. When there is a funny scene, she almost always looks over at me. She engages there - I suppose it feels safe.

i searched... and i found. dark chocolate (a local maker - excellent - not enough made for export) with hazelnuts. lol. i like the white chocolate too. theirs is the only white chocolate i like (it's smooth, not powdery). and they also have a hazel-chocolate version which i've yet to try. sigh. i've already gained back 2 lbs since going off the topamax and now eating all this *stuff*.

lots of love

~ waves ~