THE worst new years i've had was when i was in bed with severe respiratory depression due to accidental ingestion of a potent neuroleptic meant for someone else.

THIS has been the second worst. my parents are being coo-cooey with each other. i have never felt so alone in my life. my humble gifts consisting mostly of more-exotic than usual nut thingies than we'd have the rest of the year have been left unopened and untouched. i gave dad moncheri's which he loves and mom won't let him touch them because he had been sick (before christmas - he's fine now).

On new years that did not prevent him from having bunches of alcohol. We'd agreed on a glass of sweet liquorous wine with our christmas bread at 11. Then he said he'd like the champagne for the midnight toast, rather than wait for the next day. I opened it a few minutes before midnight because sometimes it's hard to get the cork started, but it came off easy so the glasses were ready early. i said to hold off drinking it till midnight (this is a ritual)! So what does he do? He went and poured another full glass of the liquorous (potent) wine (which is meant to be sipped). He had to chug it when the countdown started. Then he toasted with the champagne, without a palate breaker in between. Wasted champagne imho and that ****** me off because had i dreamed he would do that I would have opened it the following day. Champagne is a once-a-year deal to me and special, and he knew it too. Slap in the face to me and my %&&%% champagne.

I bought my mom some little anti-slip footies that are color coordinated with a new sweatsuit she got recently for indoors. they are antique-rose. so the other night my dad was wearing them. they are women's size and he has big feet. plus he put them over another pair of thick socks!!! she said she just wanted him to try them so she could get him something like it. i told her trying them is fine but they'd get deformed if he kept them on. she blew me off. the next morning, he was STILL wearing them over his other socks! it's nice she wants to take care of him but but it isn't nice she acts like she could care less about what i gave her. i know people say it's the thought that counts. but destroying these sockies is like, my "thought" is getting "discarded" right before my eyes and without a care.

yesterday afternoon mom decided to have coffee and christmas bread. she offered it to dad. she didn't offer me any. time elapsed. i asked if she was going to have any. she said already did. i said well i would have had some. she barked at me that if i'd heard her offer dad, i should have spoken up then. well i had not heard his answer (which was no), and since no bread appeared, i thought perhaps it had been deferred. no, she just didn't bother asking me, and cut herself a slice and ate it in the kitchen. back to the feeling like a third wheel. and it isn't like i've been here a short time now.

i finally got overwhelmed by the little things. they are little things i know. i tried to tell myself that. but i tried hard to do things to have a festive spirit. and i feel ridiculous. like nothing i did counts. and these little things really kill festive spirit for me.

in the past when we give each other food, it was opened and shared. also if one gave someone a personal item, such as clothing (the footies), they wouldn't go and pass it on much less do something that could harm it, only 3 days later.

there's a few other little things. but this is a long post and you catch the drift.

i have been feeling really ridiculous because they are all little things. but they really added up. and i started to feel bad... and then with each new thing I felt worse. i ended up crying today. i tried to figure out what about it bothered me - what the feelings were. if it was more of an ego blow, or feeling offended, or angry. there was definitely some anger, but behind it was a lot of hurt, ridicule, and... loneliness. and some betrayal, because of words not matching actions.

i tried to speak to my father and he says i am being infantile and complaining of trivialities. he said i am acting like i'm in kindergarten. maybe he is right. but to me, there is a lot of symbolism, ritual and tradition in these things. that is what makes a would be triviality feel much more meaningful. i was trying to honor it, and they keep stomping on it. that is upsetting. if that is infantile, then yes, i am being infantile.

icing on the cake, dad started off responding to me by saying it was good that i spoke up and got things off my chest. he then proceeded pour salt in the wounds by calling me infantile, while showing no empathy as to the fact that infantile or not, i actually felt hurt and no attempt to understand. no questions. just a ruling on my feelings as infantile, period.

how would it be good, then, to have spoken up? some gall! i have the same hurt as before, plus added injury of his rulings.

i don't want to see another new year ever.

~ waves ~

That would make me aggravated also. Your not being infantile,but he's being insensitive. If he called me infantile,it would make me angry.

I'm sorry that you are in a situation where you meant to give a special gift to your mother,and your father is stretching it out of shape,and they are both not listening to you. BF

Hugs Waves

Wish I could give them in person.

I wish I were there to help make your new year better.

Donna

Dear Waves,



These things you mention are not small. And you mention that there are other incidents that you do not include in the post.
They are being inconsiderate and hurtful. Isolating you like that could make anyone depressed or angry or both --- especially after you try to speak to him and he is dismissive.
I am sorry you are hurting.


Mari

I am sorry waves, I would be hurt too.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

i am sending tons and tons of hugs. it really sounds as if your parents are disengaging. that happens to a lot of people as they grow older and beware the people around them. I don't think there is a solution. I would stop buying presents since they only wound you. I think it would wound you to stop but wound you more to give. I know what it is like living with cruel parents. It all adds up. I was afraid to live alone with my parents. they could be so brutal.
I think you have to develop a strategy to erect some kind of wall even though it isn't pleasant. but they can really cut you, especially your father who seems the warmest. your mother seems so cold. can you search for things that soothe you?
Love
bobby

I'm sorry all what went on during the holidays waves. Your gifts and the way you planned out the champagne for New Years sound very thoughtful. I am sorry that it wasn't reciprocated and appreciated. Some people just don't get it, even when we spell it out. I'm sorry that it's that way with your parents.

dear waves,I am so sorry that they treated you like that this dose not sound like small things to me you took a lot of time and energy to make the holidays a festive and happy time and they did not seem to appresheate it at all I would have been very hurt and disapointed send you lots of hugs,you are a good and careing person and if they can't see that you were trying to do something specal shame on them

Dear Bobby,

Sorry it's taken me SOOOOOOOOOOOO long to reply. i am being so haphazard with replies.

thank you for the hugs. and backatcha too! that is interesting about people disengaging as they grow older. I didn't know that. It is so sad.
i have been asking myself some morbid and fearful questions, like which of them will die first and which would i prefer to live alone with. which comes down to which would i rather go first. morbid. maybe my pdoc would say i am being realistic but it feels morbit. i try to put it out of my mind, but every now and then...

Yes, i don't know how to do the wall. It might have to not be a wall, but some other sort of mechanism. Like maybe learn how to have the feelings and then let them flow past. That would be a biggie for me.

boy you hit both nails on the head here. yes. in fact as i posted just about i have started wondering about my dad's turnabouts... and it isn't a new thing. indeed... dad is such a sweetheart, except when he's not, and then he can be really vicious. i think it is splitting. which means i have to work around it like you say. and also try to avoid setting it off if i can.

lately, even though i do feel compassion for my dad, i have trouble feeling close to him. this happened last time he has the bad outburst... i fear it will become permanent and perhaps that's reasonable. Because it isn't realistic or safe to trust him with my emotions.

it's so hard. i wish it weren't so. i still question it.

====================================

Mom is a totally different story. she can seem and act cold but i don't believe she is. And while she may have moods she doesn't have total personality switcharoos from saint to villain. She has a lot of repressed emotions. My read on her is rage, shame, and profound sadness. i believe these all "surface" as anger. I think being angry is a safety valve for her. The littlest things can set her off too, but for the most part she is just angry, not angry with a person in particular. She might rant and rave on her own when she drops a sock, or finds a scratch on a plate, or any tiny thing. It's a "heavy background music" but it isn't dished out personally most of the time.

Of course, engaging her when she's in full throttle vent mode one she will behave angrily... speak sharply and loudly etc. I don't see this as having resolution either, as she has always abjectly refused to see a therapist. Some things I do with her though is to ask her to lower her tone or not speak sharply as this is not an argument. If she continues, I've said things like "ok either speak to me in a calmer tone or i'm done with this conversation for now." that sometimes works. sometimes, if she can't do it, she'll at least leave me alone.

Also she can be kind, although she will often do so cautiously. She is not much for physical closeness. Easier for her to offer you a cup of tea than a hug. I think it has to do with not trusting people with her emotions, and i can understand why. Just have to take her cups of tea very symbolically. When she is calm we can do things together that are more intellectual/emotional. Like watch movies. When there is a funny scene, she almost always looks over at me. She engages there - I suppose it feels safe.

i searched... and i found. dark chocolate (a local maker - excellent - not enough made for export) with hazelnuts. lol. i like the white chocolate too. theirs is the only white chocolate i like (it's smooth, not powdery). and they also have a hazel-chocolate version which i've yet to try. sigh. i've already gained back 2 lbs since going off the topamax and now eating all this *stuff*.

lots of love

~ waves ~