Hi bizi;

Im sorry to hear your feeling so down about the drinking and diet. I think its really great you have this insight about yourself and the honesty. To me its sounds like you know yourself -- and fell down for a bit. ...I wouldnt beat yourself up over it-- we all fall short of goals and what we should or shouldnt do eat and drink etc... I think the key is get yourself back to the goals you set. I hope you can pick yourself up and re-set your new goals again.Again im really an impressed with your honesty and insight that shows your have alot of fortitude. I hope you start feeling better soon!!

Dear Bizi,

I am sorry you are going through this tough time.

WRT the depression ... it could just be a reaction period - the contrast between fun good times and break from all duties while on the cruise, and then coming home... and having all the old problems rain on you, plus new ones. it may be though that as the contrast fades, the depression will too. I hope that will be the case Bizi. I just wanted to share with you a hopeful scenario. Because that "reaction/contrast" thing happens to me sometimes.

I like Lara's thought, but... i'd actually suggest making TWO LISTS:

1. Things over which you have little or no control. Eg. Jeff's having bought the new musical equipment, needing to drive him around for a while etc.
   
   fwiw, i am glad you are letting off some of this steam. thank goodness he is appreciative, but all the same, you are carrying a heavy load - it is natural that to feel the load - it affects YOUR routine, YOUR life, YOUR energy, YOUR space, and YOUR time! so, while i know that you do these things by choice because you love Jeff, it is not inappropriate or contradictory to experience negativity. It's only human. Acknowledging the feelings is healthy, and that's why I think getting them in a list would be good. You have no duty to fight these feelings. They are only feelings, and perfectly natural ones. Having them doesn't mean you are bad it just shows you are human. Please try not to judge yourself harshly over this.
   
   
2. Things you can control, i.e. the things you need to do (alone or with Jeff) or want to do. Like Lara, I also believe this might help you feel less overwhelmed.

I hope your therapist will be helpful to you with regard to the drinking. I understand about not telling your pdoc - she is inflexible about it. (It kind of irritates me that she doesn't consider it as part of a health problem but, since you can't change that, and you want to keep her as a pdoc... there aren't too many alternatives.) Glad your tdoc has special training though. I hope she doesn't have expectations regarding telling your pdoc. If you want to talk about this more with someone else besides your tdoc... just to talk, for any reason, please feel free to correspond with me in private.

I hope you feel much better soon Bizi. May I ask when your next appointments are, with tdoc and with pdoc? I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a med tweak.

Hang in there sweetie. Keep posting, and also write me about anything if you want to, ok?

Love you.

~ waves ~

I see the tdoc on the feb 28th next thursday then I see my pdoc on
march 7th the following thursday. I orchestrated this to be able to say that I saw my tdoc last thursday when she asks me....have not seen her
in A LONG time...knew I would be drinking etc. I like my tdoc, she is new to me...have only seen her for a few times. She is a sober AA person for 20 years and is also a recovering anorexic like karen carpenter eating disorder. I try to not think about that too much.
thank you for your support.
bizi

Dear Bizi

thanks for letting me know about the appointments.

I have to go to bed now but i just wanted to check back and i see there is some progress on a few fronts - chin healing, decision on sending scrubs to cleaners... coffee made for tomorrow, thoughts sorted on what to do tomorrow... all very good stuff!

guilt usually comes with depression but they do tend to feed each other.

May I offer you this. I try to observe two very basic rules during depression:

1. defer judgement
2. defer decisions (where possible, and especially important ones).

the judgement part would include passing judgement on yourself. the reason is when we are depressed it is like wearing dark glasses. it clouds our judgement in a darkling way and affects it, just as mania affects it... but with different results... and those resuts often cause a vicious cycle with the depression ... a downward spiral.

the decision rule covers a lot of bases, including life preservation if depression is bad. but also very simply, if you are not doing well with the judgement rule, the decision rule can prevent you from acting on a clouded judgement.

i have to go to bed now it's 4 am. you are doing really well considering. Would you do me a favor? Would you give yourself a pat on the back for me? and then give yourself a good strong hug from me, and one from yourself. if you are reluctant about the one from yourself - then two from me, LOL!

i'll check in with you tomorrow.

love

~ waves ~

p.,s. a med tweak need not be the addition of an AD. your lamictal could perhaps be tweaked up if the depression has persisted for 2 weeks - which you will know by the time you see pdoc.

hug delivered thank you.
I run usually hypo so am not used to depression...which I think is situational and hormonal...cycle just started...a week early I might add. sigh
thanks for your support.
love bizi