Dear Bizi,

I am sorry you are going through this tough time.

WRT the depression ... it could just be a reaction period - the contrast between fun good times and break from all duties while on the cruise, and then coming home... and having all the old problems rain on you, plus new ones. it may be though that as the contrast fades, the depression will too. I hope that will be the case Bizi. I just wanted to share with you a hopeful scenario. Because that "reaction/contrast" thing happens to me sometimes.

I like Lara's thought, but... i'd actually suggest making TWO LISTS:

1. Things over which you have little or no control. Eg. Jeff's having bought the new musical equipment, needing to drive him around for a while etc.
   
   fwiw, i am glad you are letting off some of this steam. thank goodness he is appreciative, but all the same, you are carrying a heavy load - it is natural that to feel the load - it affects YOUR routine, YOUR life, YOUR energy, YOUR space, and YOUR time! so, while i know that you do these things by choice because you love Jeff, it is not inappropriate or contradictory to experience negativity. It's only human. Acknowledging the feelings is healthy, and that's why I think getting them in a list would be good. You have no duty to fight these feelings. They are only feelings, and perfectly natural ones. Having them doesn't mean you are bad it just shows you are human. Please try not to judge yourself harshly over this.
   
   
2. Things you can control, i.e. the things you need to do (alone or with Jeff) or want to do. Like Lara, I also believe this might help you feel less overwhelmed.

I hope your therapist will be helpful to you with regard to the drinking. I understand about not telling your pdoc - she is inflexible about it. (It kind of irritates me that she doesn't consider it as part of a health problem but, since you can't change that, and you want to keep her as a pdoc... there aren't too many alternatives.) Glad your tdoc has special training though. I hope she doesn't have expectations regarding telling your pdoc. If you want to talk about this more with someone else besides your tdoc... just to talk, for any reason, please feel free to correspond with me in private.

I hope you feel much better soon Bizi. May I ask when your next appointments are, with tdoc and with pdoc? I wouldn't rule out the possibility of a med tweak.

Hang in there sweetie. Keep posting, and also write me about anything if you want to, ok?

Love you.

~ waves ~