Ugh
 

I had to wait until 30 mins ago to take my meds because I was sick with a bug.

I put the Klonopin under my tongue while I was waiting for whatever it was to leave.

I am better now, but not at all sleepy.

M

hope the bug has gone away now and you are sleeping
bobby

I hope you are feeling better today.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I am not at work. I am at a conference and trying to hide from people.
I guess I am very anxious after figuring our where to park and walk ---- buildings and rooms wre changed. Some apparently very nice people are chatting and I am hiding out side in the heat.

I have a literal touch stone in my pocket that I am holding --- really surprised about how freaked out I am around this new environment --- trying not to cry.

M

I became immobilized when some one asked me a question ( where do you work).

A while later I took a walk, stepped into a church, and sat down and cried.

Depression is so hard.

ahhh:(
I am sorry you had to go through that .
Wish I could give you a real hug,
sorry that the depression monster has you.....
know that you are loved.
bizi

I'm sorry Mari. It's a lonely feeling in a crowd. It's a lonely feeling always. I remember staying in a bathroom in High School when all students where called to go to the bleachers,or the sitting area at our school's football stadium. Our graduating class had about 500 people,so it was a very large student body. I went to a military school several years before that. That close quartered living arrangement drove me up the wall at a sudden point in the end of my first year there.

People in general just don't understand this type of thing. That's part of the problem. I remember talking to some people,and I'd have a sudden panic,and I'd loose my voice. At the same time the people who I was talking to would have a astonished look on their face looking at me. I don't like answering doors,phones,and that type of thing.

At times,I just don't like going outside anymore. I feel better when I do go outside though,and there are many things that I have to do. I have a couple of cameras monitoring the outside from my den area day,and night. It makes me feel safe,and no surprises at the door. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are feeling better now...
can you turn towards God when it starts to happen so you won't feel alone?
I keep on saying now when things are bad it is God's will. somehow that makes me feel better and i stop fighting with myself
bobby

God won't allow anything(Temptations,trials,and strange things)to happen that we could not endure. It is sometimes something that only He can fix,so we go to Him in prayer. Sometimes I come within a inch of breaking. I could write chapters,and pages on this subject.

So we don't become self-sufficient,but dependent on God's help,and love. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Mari I'm sorry for the nightmarish time that you went through this week. It's a feeling that we cannot put into words. Are you feeling better today? I hope so. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hi,

Today (Saturday) was awful.
I have been so depressed.

In the evening, I asked Hubby to do some yoga with me.
I feel better after the yoga.
I supposed I should do yoga again Sunday.

Mari

Hi Mari I'm so sorry that you are depressed,and feeling emotional pain. I hope that you can get some sleep tonight. These nights are so long at this time. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I am hoping that you will be able to do yoga more often, especially if hubby agrees to do it with you. Do you follow a tape?
bizi

Hi,

I am noticing that I am more depressed on the weekends lately -- this is new.

Hubby and I did two yoga two days in a row. We missed it Monday night.
We do not actually "do" it because he does it at a much more advanced level. Instead he sits with me while I do it to a dvd.

M

I am glad that he is being supportive in this regard.
sorry about the depression on the weekends. I find I do better during the week when I have my job to focus on, I can be overwhelmed with the weekend.
bizi

Mari and Bizi

I have the same problem. Its one of the reason's I really miss the
fairs I used to do on Weekends. I had something to keep me busy
that way.

I am working to get my own way through this. It seems to be working.
I have some new contacts.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

This has only been the last two weekends.

The depression is usually random and unpredictable -- in both time and depth.

M

Mari I have been more depressed recently myself. It could be that sunlight situation. It gets dark so early now,and will continue until December the 21st. After the 21st of December the days will get longer slowly.

I don't like the weekends either. I feel more depressed during them. I wonder if there is a word for weekend depression. If there isn't one now,there will be one in the future. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I was looking for a possible name for weekend depression disorder,and could not find a title for it.

I came across something that I have never heard of before. There is a sleep disorder called (DSPD),or Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder.

There is a Wikipedia page on it. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder
 

Hi, Steve,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed...phase_disorder
Yes, my Sleep Neuro says that I have this. I am glad you pointed it.

But that neuro only sees me two or three times a year.
I can sleep any time of the day or night. The weird problem is that I do not want to sleep at night -- it is so complicated and confusing. I seem to be afraid of sleeping at night. I force myself through the fear and go to sleep eventually -- very very late (about four or five hours before I have to wake up for work.

M

weekends
 

:Good-Post:
Hi, Steve,

I have the 21st of December marked on my Calendar because it is my happiest day of the year!!! :Dancing-Chilli: :Dancing-Chilli: :Dancing-Chilli:

Weekends are weird for moods.
I usually feel less anxious but certainly not less depressed.
Depression exists like its own living breathing animal -- totally independent of what it should be doing or of any describable pattern.

Did you figure out a light system for yourself?
Do you have lights that help you?


M

Forgot to take my meds last night
 

According to my pill minder, I took my Klonopin last night but did not take any other meds.

I noticed this early in the afternoon and have not taken the other meds yet.

Guess what?
I feel better without the meds.

What a mess.

Mari

Mari

Be careful not taking your meds. But I'm honestly not
surprised. It happens that way sometimes.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

That happens sometimes,but not most of the time for me. I usually can tell when I have missed a dose. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hey Mari. I have moved a full spectrum lamp over to my computer area. To be truthful,I haven't used it very much. I usually like the lack of light. If someone opens the blinds,I will usually close the blinds. I don't know why I prefer a darkened area.

Depression does have it's own life inside me. I never know what's its going to do,or how bad it's going to be,or what time it's going to attack. It's fooled me for many years. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Steve,

The full spectrum lights are beautiful.
I do not have one but I did years ago.

M

hard week
 

One night I heard a cat caterwauling off and on outside.
Tonight I heard a dark barking -- I think someone took it out for a walk at 2:00.

We have a full moon coming up on the morning of the 17 and the evening of Nov 16 -- tonight.

M

will try to watch the full moon tonight looking up at the same moon connects us all together.
bizi

Bizi, :hug: :hug: :hug:

The moon is gorgeous.

Mari

trying day
 

I woke up depressed.

Then hubby wanted to spend a lot of time talking about money worries, bills, and THEN he wanted me to calm him down. I did.
In the evening he wanted to start from the beginning and have the same conversation.

_______________
I gave him a choice. He could have #1 or #2:
#1. Talk about money worries over and over.
OR
#2. Be quiet and feel my love.

He said he wanted #2.
_______________

Thank goodness. :eek:
I needed a break so I could have some peace.

_______________
I am at my normal level of depression. :(

M

this is so sweet. :)

Wish I could take a sick day
 

Bizi,

Well, yeah.
That part was sweet.
The rest of the day stunk.
I woke up feeling awful and then the two of us made it worse somehow.
Usually, I try to stay away from him when he is doing that version of stressing.

I am not sure what I will do about work Monday.
I might take some Klonopin and Aspirin and stay in my office with the door locked and the lights off.
And I well double check that I have my ear buds in my purse so I can listen to music until I have drowned out everything else.



M

I hope you day was ok today mari.

God bless music!
bizi

I woke up this morning with this song in my head
 

Good morning :)

The rhythm is lively and the song is fun as long as one does not listen too the words to closely.
The fiddle playing is rough (technique stinks) but otherwise the song is fun to listen to.


Old Crow Medicine Show - Fall All On My Knees [Live]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xjb0buprxqY

M

I am too tired and too anxious to go to bed.


We had rain during the night.
And I am seeing my pdoc Thursday (It will be the second time I met her.)

M

I hope things go well with your visit.
bizi

new pdoc is working out
 

I started this thread in May after I broke up with my tdoc. Shortly after, my pdoc broke up with me.
Then I went to a tdoc that did not work out and TWO pdocs that did not work out.

I am settled with my current pdoc. Today was our second appointment. Apparently she is o.k. with seeing me every two months.

Mari

closing at Mari's request