Steve,

I have thought about it.
But I do not qualify.

M

I'm sorry Mari. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Mari,
I think you have explained yourself well.
It sounds so very very hard.

I have mentioned my relative with bipolar disorder. I avoid saying who she is in relation to me, simply because there is always a small chance someone might recognize me via my words here on line (I actually had that happen to me on another site! It was WEIRD!:eek:)
In our case, she doesn't work and is on disability. I can't really see her working, with the possible exception of a very part time job. In fact, I do hope that eventually she can work a part time job, as she could use the income and it would be good for her self esteem.
However, the times she has had a part time job in the past, she has had heavy duty problems with other people.
One time in particular, was horrible. Someone at work said something very unkind to her (as people can do) and she reacted both verbally and physically.
Well, like we all know (or really should know) right or wrong, it almost doesn't matter what Gawd awful thing the person said originally, once you react in that BIG way, it all comes down on you and it usually is all over.

I recall her psychologist telling me that it takes energy for her to hold it all in (for lack of better words here) each and every day.
When not working, she seems to do fairly well, she just didn't/doesn't have the energy to take it that one big step further.
I do think if she had a good therapist, it might help her....hard to say.

I met a very successful physician that through a odd set of circumstances, I found out has bipolar disorder. I have seen her in action. Other than an occasional bit of moodiness, she is doing very well.
So, even though it has to be very very hard, I know, depending on the individual (of course) and the support system, much can be achieved.
So, I feel badly that my relative is limited, but I understand that we are all individuals. I am glad when I see her stable and happy.

It is good that you have that insurance...may you never have to use it.
I think to a large extent, I do understand what you are saying. It is good to know that disability is always a possibility ....* if your condition worsens, of if you have a second illness (for sure)...no doubt an attorney can make this happen for you.

BTW, we had a very weird experience recently where something was stolen and the police were called. Our neighbor, who is very shy, tried to speak with the police, but must of had a panic attack or something (not sure) and no words would come out of his mouth. Later, perhaps when he felt better, when he approached the police again to tell them something (it was actually kind of important) their first reaction to him was very rude and shockingly unkind. I had NO idea what had happened! I know it was an odd situation, but they seem to over react. It was sooooo strange and although they were very nice to me....it did make me wonder why they reacted rather harshly to my neighbor assuming the worse (that he was a prankster or something??? no idea)

Your posts have been a real learning experience for me...an insight into bipolar disorder. I hope you are having a good day. (hugs)
Thank you.

wow Mari

I have spent my whole life scared that my behaviour or actions will get me either arrested or sectioned.............hence why i cry a lot and steer clear of any situation that might cause my fear to become a reality

today i could have committed murder [figueritively speaking]

home now ..and a dark room

David

ps my brother was a policeman.....feared also that my behaviour would affect his role....tar/brush...theory

hi david,
HOpe you are alright.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

My fear is that I could be put to shame,or shamed. I fear being talked about,and things like that. I have a phobia of coming to complete ruin. My family says that they will not let that happen. I spend most of my time in my apartment these days. I seem to be exhausted all of the time.

I just had a nightmare before I came in here. I don't think that I could hurt anyone. I have self control,and don't want anyone to be hurt. I've been pushed pretty hard by some people,but I'm not aggressive. I never have been,but have trained for self defense.


I have a fear of someone,or ones breaking down my door in a home invasion,and them coming into my apartment. I have cameras looking out in different places so I can see whats going on out there day,and night. I know that sounds weird. I even have dash cams in my car. They are small,and not very apparent. Those dash cams are set to record,and are. At a later time I format them,and continue to record when I'm driving. BF:hug::grouphug::hug:

I guess that I have a strong will to survive all of this. I feel a strong desire to live,even though it's not really that much fun,it's not easy,and it's like a mission. I want to fulfill this mission and survive.

I want to survive today,tomorrow,and on,and on. Does anyone else feel this type of thing? BF:hug::hug::hug:

I too spend a lot of time in the living room in the dark. mostly because it relieves the symptoms of my head injury but lately it might be depression also.

Unfortunately, I have had risky behavior my whole life, maybe due to the BP2

Have been in psych wards and jail.

Walked in on skinny guy robbing my house and beat the heck out of him 12 years ago.

But now with head injury, I feel vulnerable. Scared for the first time in my life.

I am sorry for those of you who feel it. It is a bad feeling. And I don't like it.

If I walked in on someone robbing my house now I would be terrified.

survival and more. we are our own heroes
 

Yes, Steve, :Bow: http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-music035.gif

We are extraordinary people. http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-score010.gif
We battle for health care.
We battle to accept our conditions.
We come to peace with our days. http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-chores003.gif

I have met strong people here.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

M

Mark, http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-sleep013.gif

I think time helps.

THink of it like a sport or any other skill.
When you do an activity repeatedly, you gain muscle memory.

Learning to get through the days is similar.
Each day can help with with the next. There is a pattern to survival.

I have not tried to comprehend what to do if someone were robbing my house.

I want to live. I have some expectation that the universe provides for my fundamental wants and needs.
It sounds nuts but it has provided for me so far.

Google: Weighted Blankets.
They provide some sensory deprivation -- the same thing you are looking for in the darkness.
They were developed for autistic children.
They work for adults as well:
http://www.mosaicweightedblankets.com/benefits/

https://www.sensorygoods.com/SearchR...eVkhoCZ0Pw_wcB

M