[bizi]

Well.....
The truth of the matter is that I have been lieing to myself and my doctor about how much alcohol that I am drinking. You guys know the truth as I have been documenting it for some odd months now.
Last week I met with my psych doctor and told her that I was drinking 3 times per week 3 drinks each time. She asked me specifics.....
She said this was moderate drinking, and that she was happy that I was doing so well being moderate. I told her that I could not afford my therapist as our insurance was changing.
My therapist said that if I needed to call her to see her that I could do that.
My psych doctor told me to call her if I went from 3 to 5 days of drinking that she would help me...I don't know how she could help me.
sigh
This January I am getting ready to have a screening colonoscopy because of my age. In preparation for this I had to go on line and fill out a very thorough series of health information forms. It took almost an hour to complete. When it came to alcohol use, it wanted specifics. number and times per week....so I said 3 and 3 again. Then it asked me if I would consider this alcohol abuse.
I said no.
If I am being completely honest with you I would say" I abuse alcohol."
I was listening on the radio, a program about thinking about the number of drinks that you have for the week total. Moderate drinking was one drink a day...7 a week. any more than that was considered a problem. Men are allowed 14 drinks a week. (my hubby drinks high percentage of alcohol drinks that count 2 for 1. So he should only be drinking one a day of those beers.)
So my 9 drinks in one week is really in the problem range.
BUT THAT IS not even the truth!!!!!
I have been drinking WAY more than that....when I drink that is.
My sinus were acting up for the past week, I had been ill and therefore AF. Then last night, was hungry so drove around finding a place to grab a bite to eat. Ended up at whole foods in their bar! Next thing you know I am testing beer samples. First one was weak and the second one was strong (it was a big sample and 11%alcohol content) so I went for one in between. Founders porter 6.5 % alcohol. I complained because the bartender poured my beer with a lot of foam...grr! I ordered a pizza and talked to my sister a bit on the phone.
A pint of beer is about 14 oz. so that is more than a bottle of beer and the fact that a normal beer has about 4.5% alcohol. So if I am truthful I would go back and change my one beer to 1.5 beers on my daily journal.
In my head I am playing a numbers game....and judging myself. I said I would never drink and drive again. 2 weeks ago We met after a concert with the guest artist and hubby and I and another student. I forgot that I drove separately and ended up drinking 3 pints of strong beers. As we were leaving I remembered that I drove separately.
Wow. I could not believe it! I was going to have to drive myself home. How could I have forgotten that????????
I drove home very carefully and was lucky that I did not get in an accident or get caught.
Last night I drove home having only 1.5 beers, I felt fine.
So am I back to drinking and driving????
sigh
I am AF again tonight.
sigh
bizi

[Lara]

I'm not going to judge you bizi. I actually applaud your honesty.
You know what you want/have to do and it's a battle.
You're actually acknowledging the problem now and when you think about it, that is half that battle right there.

[bizi]

Thanks Lara.
I have been on the internet for hours. Moderation really is not in my vocabulary.I feel like the internet affliction is stronger than the alcohol. topped with being bipolar...my life is messy.
bizi

[Mari]

Bizi,

Being honest with yourself counts for a lot.

(It is o.k. to lie to a pdoc.)

But I worry that you are trying to do this all by yourself.


Huffington Post is trustworthy.
They have some suggestions:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tom-ho...b_1663494.html
If Not AA, Then What? SMART Recovery and the AA Alternatives.

===

Does working out at the gym help you or hurt you?
Is it part of a good pattern for yourself?

====
Tonight you did a great thing: made a decision to go AF.



Be well.

Mari

[bizi]

Well Thank you for that mari.
I have not decided to go Af just yet...am working n that. just decided that I need to be more mindful and present that I have a problem and that I can easily slide into trouble if I am not careful.I have half a case of strong ciders that have been in the bottom of my refridgerator for over a week. I think that I get into trouble when I drink that particular brand. 10 oz of 8% alcohol ciders that are sweet and go down quickly. That is almost 2 beers in one smaller package.
My world continues to get smaller in regards to keeping my house up to par, it is filthy and needs cleaning. It is like jeff and I both don't care.cooking become a nightly chore...need to go grocery shopping that means planning out meals which takes effort.
something that I don't seem to have these days. my yard work piles up. maybe we can get soe cleaning done of the house before the holidays. I have also become very needy, dependent on jeff not having a lot of self motivation like I used to. It gets worse each year.
I have to work today so I must get ready.
I worry about my sanity....felt some manicy feelings when I was taking all of the cold medication. Feeling better now, only occasional cough runny nose etc.
I know that I should decide to be alcohol free, can't seem to do that right now. Will try to moderate and be more mindful, no more than one beer if I am going to drive.
bizi

[Mari]

Bizi,

Having that cold and having to take all those meds for the cold --- that can
throw someone off their game.

Give yourself some time --- like you are doing. Be patient.

Regarding the house -- can you get some help for the inside or the outside?

My sister pays a teenager a few doors down to help her sort her mail and other things (recycle, donate, shred, trash).
Then she has the girl shred the pile.
She even has the girl order something on line that they need.
My sister hands her the credit card but checks before the girl clicks to complete the order -- or something like that.
The girl first started with my sister when she was in 8th grade. Now she is a senior.

M

[bizi]

Mari,
hubby doesn't want a cleaning lady "we should be able to clean our house".
I wish I could hire one with out him knowing.
Thank you for your continued support.
I appreciate you so much.
bizi

[Mari]

Bizi,

Men are weird about that.

My sis gets that from her husband too (and I get it from mine).

Hubby says he cleans. (HA!) Not well and not often.

Mari

[Mari]

Bizi,

Thanks for the suggestion to buy swimming goggles.

I have two pairs now and I can usually find one of them.

Mari

[bizi]

so you are still swimming?
great!!!!
bizi