I feel like a total lump. I had a panic attack last night, out of the blue. There may have been a trigger but it was a silly thing, if you will. Nonetheless, I was messed up big time for a bit and still feeling very unsettled.

My stomach also is still not right. Then this morning I had a migraine.

My mother came down with something last night and is now running a temp.

My father is well, and trying to help but we are not helpable.

I am trying to be decent, and not succeeding very well. I do not feel well but my ailments are invisible and I just sound fussy, and I feel fussy and irritable.

I was given cards, which I failed to give the attention they deserved. I haven't written mine yet. I keep waiting for a moment when it won't seem like such a contradiction in terms (or attitude) to give cards.

I just want to lie down in a dark room, but my mom is napping and I don't want to leave my dad alone. Besides the fact that I don't have a room to go to anyway.

I am streaming carols for him from Youtube. He asked me if I don't ever do them on guitar. I gave him a tirade about the impossibility of performing anything if one is not allowed time or space to practice.

Merry Christmas. Right.

waves

Thanks Waves. Well, after a lovely overcast morning the sun came out. It was all downhill from there basically.

I don't celebrate Christmas in the true sense. There was a time when family would all get together but I've been single now a very long time and my son is busy out of state and my daughter is the only family I have here so we try to do something nice together.

I moved from the beach to a small country home around the end of October however it didn't work out. It was at the same time we were having the 40C plus temperatures. The house was not insulated. The shower didn't work. One toilet had a family of green tree frogs living in it and the other was broken so couldn't be used. The house had beautiful original floor boards, but when the previous person pulled up their rugs and left, lo and behold you could see the ground under the house through the joints in the boards. I could go on for an hour but I won't. It was a broken house in a lovely spot and unlivable.

Needless to say I left and am presently sitting on my couch typing to you in the rumpus room of my ex husband's house until daughter and I find a clean, unbroken home again. Hopefully that is soon because if I have to deal with this too much longer I'll lose my mind.

So... here I am living out of boxes in circumstances that are really not suitable for want of a stronger word. I can't find anything because I moved twice in a month. I don't want to look for things because if I open a box it just means I'll have to repack it again.

It's alright though as it's a huge house and on water so it's cool here and only a short distance to beach. We have our own area of the house separate from the rest and we have cooking and bathroom facilities etc. Only thing I didn't have was an oven. Have hotplates etc., but no oven. I just bought a little convection oven and used it for the first time yesterday cooking a roast for my daughter and myself. It was delicious and very traditional meal for Christmas day.

Then daughter and I ate chocolate. Then we ate more chocolate. Then we went to sleep.

Today is indeed Boxing Day. It is a public holiday for banks, post office and most workers although the shopping centres are open of course and it's the biggest shopping day of the year. It's the day when people who spent all their cash before Christmas realize they should have waited until today because everything is dirt cheap today. I didn't have that problem because I had no cash to begin with because of all the moving costs and rubbish that went on with the real estate involved with the broken house.

So sorry for the book of a post.

I'm sorry you had a panic attack. I get them myself. Our living situations don't help with that at all.

Lara and Waves,

Lots of hugs.




Mari

Dear Lara,

How dreadful about the house! It sounds as though it's difficult even to make the most out of the space you have now, what with the boxes being mixed up from repacking in a hurry undoubtedly the second time. And I don't imagine you were/are too excited about staying at your ex's either, even with your own private area, but thank goodness at least it was possible.

How marvelous that your roast worked out for Christmas! Not by any means a given with a new oven! The chocolate episode sounded funny. It sounded as though you two went for the choclate-induced coma.

I do hope you are able to find a new home situation soon. Indeed, no privacy makes it very difficult to deal with anxiety type issues. Are you going to have to save up some, before you can move again?

I don't normally have panic attacks... I've had maybe 3 in my life. I've been having a lot of anxiety lately though, and yesterday I was feeling hugely under pressure, and up for over 24 hours as I was unable to squeeze a nap in. Then a lady was rude to me when I was out, and asked for directions. It happened shrotly after that. I hope all these things have something to do with it. I hope I don't start having more.

waves

Thank you very much Mari.

Waves, you maybe still haven't settled absolutely and completely from your trip and going 24 hrs without sleep yesterday wouldn't have helped.

As for me, well, at least we had somewhere to stay temporarily. I always try to look on the bright side of life. As soon as we find the right place we will know. We need privacy and quiet and we have our cat too. It'll work out. Just a blip all things considered. (and yes, I'm trying to convince myself that is all it is lol)

I hope you're feeling better fast. Same for your Mum. I hope whatever she's come down with is over fast too.

Waves,

That panic attach concerns me. I am very sorry. They take some time to get over, . .. . the panic of it self of course, but also the "damage" that occurred perhaps . . . something that can never be undone completely.
I hope you you are going to be alright.

Ah. yeah. Those of us on the board here understand that. Because whatever is happening is not seen, the other person is noticing the distress and usually interprets it in a way that is far from how we feel it.
And then, worse, we try to cover and then we pay for it later with exhaustion. (or that is how it goes for me)

I wish that you could play your guitar.

Mari

Lara

Oh, Dear, and in 40 degrees !!!!

Such disappointment, disarray, discouragement,
If someone made a movie out if it, no one would believe it.
You are a strong woman to have gone through that and still be o.k. enough.

I am sorry that you are dealing with your ex-husband probably more than you want.
I very much want that for you -- that you can move to a clean unbroken home.

The boxes thing: not fun at all, esp if you are not sure when it will end.

That is good news, even if you had to work so hard to get there.
Congratulations on making a delicious meal. It probably felt like a victory of sorts.
Thanks for the laugh. That kind of shopping is weird. It seems wasteful --- we have enough junk on the planet that manufacturers are churning out for this shopping pastime and we need to spend more time with ourselves and with our loved ones.
We have the same shopping day. We do not call it "Boxing Day."
We probably call it something like --- "go to the mall to exchange the presents we got on Christmas and look for other junk that we missed a few days ago."

I send wishes for a good year for you and your daughter.

M

Hi Everyone

Lara, I'm sorry for your living problems. Keep us updated on the house
hunting.

Waves, I sure hope you are feeling better now.


Mari and Bizi, Hope you both had a great christmas.



We had a great time, and my green been casserole, was gone after dinner.
Derrick brought chocolate chip and Snickerdoodle cookies. They were
iced with cream cheese icing, and sprinkles.

Everyone loved those, some went to him for the recipe.
I think he got a kick out of that. My mom didn't get to them on
Christmas, but was having one the next morning. That was all she
talked about.

Donna

Sounds like you guys had a nice time, Donna. I am glad.

Derrick's cookies do sound marvelous. I never thought of cream cheese icing but it sounds good.

waves