This is my first post and I need help. Adult male son(42) is addict with money but no job for a year. He is bipolar and recently informed us that he wants to die. He lives alone and says he does not want HELP. I spent all day yesterday answering his phone calls from jail after he was arrested for DUI at 730 AM. Police found no evidence of alcohol because he was on Zanax (? sp)
I am ready to take the tough love approach...not sure about my wife. What do I do?

If you check the date of my original post, you can see that it is almost five years old. The daughter I was writing about passed away in January of this year, but nothing to do with drugs or her illness. She died when our house burned down, and she was on the second floor with no means of escape. Actually, I believe she was asleep and then was unconscious, so there was no hope of her getting out.

Anyway, to return to your questions, I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in the way of help. The answers appear to be complicated and well beyond the scope of this forum. Perhaps being incarcerated for awhile could be the best thing for him for a little while? It's hard when our grown children need help but don't want it. There may not be much you CAN do at this point. If I were in your shoes, which I am not, I know it would be hard, but I would just try to let him go. He's had many years to build the type of life he has now, and it would take a great deal to turn him around. Perhaps he would listen to his sister?

All I can do is offer my friendship and (((hugs))) to both you and your wife. Whatever happens, you both did the best you could do; he is an adult and should be in control of his own life.

If he is a threat to himself then he could be moved to a psych unit for a 3 day time frame to keep him safe, maybe he needs to be on medications? someone is prescribing him zanax, well I think some one is....

I wish you much luck in this trying time right now.
bizi

HI,
Contact nami.org --- National Alliance on Mental Illness. Through the web site you can find someone near you.
They have advice and support groups for family members.

M

I agree with all three.


And I want you to know that you aren't alone.

We are here. If you want to talk. Its also best to let him start to
deal with this on his own. It will take some time, but if he wants
to get better he will find a way.

Good luck, please find a local NAMI chapter, they can help support
you and your wife.

Donna

I'd find the local AL-ANON group. Check local phone books or websites.

I know you said he's not alcoholic, but to some extent a drug is a drug. I'm an alkie. I'd been to AA & had heard of AL-ANON, was still drinking & was in denial about both groups. I was sicksicksicksick of my parents "interfering in my life" & in an alcoholic rage one day told them to "go to AL-ANON & get off my back!" They took my advice.

That was about 40 yrs ago. They played a huge part in getting the alcohol monkey off my back. I had to do it, but the tough love they learned in AL-ANON & support they got there saved their sanity & my life.

Please come back & let us know how everyone's doing.

JB...I'm so sorry.
I would call his doctor and probably the police too and report these threats. Maybe offer to take him to the hospital yourself. These comments should be taken VERY VERY seriously.
Your son is well past 21. I'm sorry to say, that I would GREATLY limit your involvement (with the possible exception of certain things). I WOULD call for help if he threatens suicide and depending on your ability, I WOULD do your best to help out with the cost of any medical needs (physician appointments and medication). Likewise, with addiction treatment.
But, especially if he is being disrespectful to you, I would back away with helping out with most things and I would do your very best to disengage from the drama and trauma associated with his bad choices. Of course, he should know that you love him, but at the same time, he should know that you do not wish to have any part in his bad choices and that you wont have any part in them.
He is over age. It is very sad that he has an illness and an addiction issue. You might open the door to treatment, but he has to make the personal decision to walk past that threshold and do the work needed to enjoy better health.
Likewise, you are responsible for your own good health (physical and mental health) as well. And you will not be able to be happy and whole if you are overly concerned with his bad choices...which you have VERY little and probably NO (nada/zip) control of. Consider going to Families Anonymous, Al Anon or NAMI and get support. Take top notch care of yourself and nourish your relationship with your spouse whole heartedly.
Susan Lee....much of this might help you as well. Please consider checking out one or all of these groups. Also, there is a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud...consider taking a look.
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Big Hugs to you Just Jacqui.

Are you still plugged in to this site? Your post got me as I am experiencing something similar with my son in California. If this reaches you contact me

she was a one time poster, looks like she never came back to read our replies.
I am sorry that you are going thru a similar situation.
heart breaking and very frightening.
bizi