Waves,

I hope you feel more like yourself . . . that you land in the right place.

Have a good Thursday. And I am sending you good vibes for nice sleep Thursday night.

M

Thank you, Mari.

Even the cert course application has me all crazy like.

It is a good bit of very engaging work, involving no small amount of dancing around with wtf are they after here, and also some things which require reflection on own life. Result is I get really antsy at times .... but I also get excited-to-the-point-of-goosebumps at others... to the point I feel overwhelmed and distraught!

This is an at-home task, and I can do a little, then detach, etc. Yet this is the effect it has. I keep thinking if I can barely handle this application, how the heck will I handle the course 8 hours a day + plus homework, 5 days a week, 4 weeks Yikes.

Maybe it will work the damn excitement out of me?

yes waves I wish you good sleep today. don't forget to take your benzo.
bizi

Waves,

I totally get that.

This sounds a little like a form of catastrophizing. 'Not saying you are doing that, just pointing it out.

You are looking too far ahead. Think of one task at a time, one day at a time.

I am going to add my two cents.

For me to handle a course somewhat similar (but by no means the same), I had to drop everything (EVERYTHING) else. It was such a monster and had such high stakes that the only time I was not doing the class, I was doing self care . .. going somewhere in my head that made me happy.
That allowed me to pace myself based on my ability to focus/stay awake/ be only moderately anxious, . . .

That was the only way I could do it.
In retrospect, I recognize that my freakedoutness (real word) made the whole thing a lot worse than it had to be. I am not saying that I would do anything differently. It was what it was and I am who I am.

I believe that you can do this.

Mari

i really don't know what to say. are you now taking your anxiety drugs? it sounds as if you are extremely agitated. i don't think that means manic.
maybe you are making a transition and are taking or thinking about big steps.
how can you have patience with yourself? i don't think you are reminding yourself to be kind to yourself in this very stresssful period. maybe i should have shut my mouth,
love
bobby

You share wise words bobby, don't negate yourself.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Actually, I really appreciate all of the feedback and advice, starting from remember to take your meds, to be careful not to catastrophize (and lots more good stuff there), to maybe it's anxiety and not mania.

I haven't replied because I had a different kind of difficult day today, of the kind where, well, I just wasn't up to writing much. Didn't even work on my application, sigh (all that's left to do is an essay, and first I have to pick what to write about so have been mulling that over a bit, but no writing).

Anyway I started the day really tired, couldn't keep my eyes open. I hadn't slept much because had to wake up early for something, but I did take the benzo last night so I was good and toast!

I eventually managed to caffeinate myself into consciousness, then talked to a friend for an hour, then just vegged, surfing the internet, crushing some.

No sooner was I suitable material for doing "real things" than I had to rush to the kitchen to make dinner. (I decided I was not up for the social.) I cooked from about 5 to 7:30. I made a veg+ham frittata with sides of grilled zucchini, a green salad, and mini plum tomatoes. Lots of multi-tasking required to get everything from raw-in-fridge to cooked-on-table in two hours... in fact I was late, and we ate at 7.30. Normally, I'd start at 4, but I was too friggin tired.

So then I washed the pans but asked my mom to get the dishes.

I was so bad off after dinner, I could not handle tv. I had to wear earplugs,
and it was bothering me even with those on. The tv babble seemed to echo the chaos in my mind.

I have had a headache building... it is fully here now... I am hoping the tramadol I took will fix it.

More in a minute... specific replies, but I need to get a coffee first.

I hope your head feels better ASAP!
bizi

Sorry... I am pooped again! started falling asleep in front of the computer.

I am going to sleep prperly and will come back later.

Waves,

I am sorry that you are having a hard time.
Your dinner was good.

M