It is extraordinarily hard to find any good ones, esp if I have to sort through scores of bad ones tinged with various versions of craziness.

Honest to god, the good memories are ones of me by myself. . . . sometimes they are of me playing my piano or walking in the woods, or cooking blackberry cobbler for everyone else while I was home alone, . . . of reading all of Ulysses on the beach one summer between college semesters just for fun, of writing in my diary when I was in grade school/middle school . . . . at 16 yrs old of driving across the county to teach piano lessons to the kids of a wealthy family and of also getting get paid to read to their blind grandmother.

I liked "working" in the public library when I was 15.
I was actually volunteering because I was too young to get paid and because Mom inisisted that I be gone for parts of the day because she did not want me around the house during the summer.
But Mom and I had a few fights about transportation until I was finally 16 and had the use of a car so the library is only a "medium" happy memory.

I remember a high school boyfriend fondly. We did not break up. We said goodbye when my family moved four states away.


M

I am glad that you have some good memories to hold onto.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Bizi, You never upset me :):):)

The first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mother and grammy were horrible. I miss them and the rest of my lost loved ones during the holidays, but not to the point where my holidays have been filled with sadness. I have a lot of good memories of the holidays when my family members were on their best behavior, and they surface then.

Last year I was so out of it, I was mostly unaware of the upcoming holidays. When I was alone at my dad's I remember buying Christmas gifts for my nephews and getting a card in the mail from my aunt- that is it. The timing of my s/s attempt had nothing to do with the holidays. It could have been the fourth of July and I wouldn't have known the difference.
I don't remember anything about the holidays themselves because I was GONE at that point.

I'm avoiding the holidays because of the family members I need to avoid. They've had almost a year to try to reach out to me in a meaningful way and they have not. I'm not the type of person who deals well with pretending everything's okay. They don't deserve it, and I don't need to expose myself to a toxic environment.

I know that things are going to get difficult because the anniversary of the s/s attempt is coming up. I was highly paranoid, but there were a lot of (expletived) up REAL events that pushed me over the edge, and they're already on my mind making me angry...
My husband HATES, ABSOLUTELY HATES most of my family, and especially my father, his wife and her family mostly (but not in all cases) because of the events leading up to my s/s attempt. And, as I said, I have my own unresolved issues and alluded to some hatred of my own...

Last night I told my husband that the best thing we can do is to NOT discuss any of these people or events. He needs to avoid going on any tirades, and he needs to help redirect me if I start. It can only fuel the fire.
I also need to suck it up and add in a couple extra therapy appointments.

If I need to get it all out, I can go to the SOS forum.

I think everyone here shares two things: bipolar disorder and trauma.

We all deal with our trauma differently of course. For example, I like the land of denial when I can live there.
Mari, your younger brother may be dealing with the past by living in the present, but I doubt he's forgotten about it if his anger is palpable. Or maybe that's just part of his personality? I don't know.

But like Bobby said it's important that we all try to find and focus on good memories. I don't think it matters what they are as long as you have them...

While finishing up the cooking for a holiday dinner in my family, whoever puts the rolls in the oven mentions my mother's recipe for making rolls, "cook 'til black." It's a good memory, funny, and it eases the pain of her absence. It works.

dear kay,
why do you feel that needing extra tdoc appointments is bad..."sucking it up"?
You have had so much trauma....and this anniversary coming up could be a big trigger for you.
Good idea about telling hubby to not talk about it/family issues.
You are never going to change them.
The only thing you have control of is the present.

I am wishing you some peace today.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I don't like going... I think I explained a little bit about that in a post above. It also costs me $70 every time I go.

I got some great news today! But it came with some worries that I'll address down the road.

Kay

I really enjoy reading your threads. Thanks for posting all that is going on.

Or has.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

sorry kay....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Thank you Donna :hug:

It's okay Bizi...

There has been a lot of sadness in my life, but there have been and still are (to a lesser degree now), a lot of good things, too. I just wish I wasn't so isolated.

The last year has been HELL, but it has reminded me of how resilient I am...
I've been through a lot lately, my meds are still working well, and I think I've done a good job of redirecting myself recently. I keep in very close contact with pdoc and I'll reach out in case those meds do need tweaking. I'll make it through 2016 in one piece.

My husband is taking me to go get a new jacket tomorrow. The old one is from L.L. Bean. They changed the design, it's not exactly to my taste as far as I can tell over the internet, and it's $225. I want to hit Macy's first because they're having a sale. I don't want to spend $225, especially if I'm not in love with something. My husband is not going to have fun.

My pdoc's office just called to tell me she completed the med release and sent it out. I doubt my PCP's office will call to notify me. So far, I haven't heard from the drunk organization that I need that substance abuse evaluation. I'll take that as good news. :) I'm going to call next Friday to ask them if they've received all the paperwork they needed and notified the DMV and court, if I haven't already heard from them. It should be more than ample time. I'm still not rushing.

BTW I am 4mo sober today.

Kay,

Good luck shopping. :)

Happy 4 months sober. :heartthrob:


M