You were very patient with her. She sounds completely nuts (and maybe not very bright).

M

OMG kay.
how awful!
She has no right to have this much power over you. yes get letters and speak to your tdoc and pdoc.
You sound like you did very well in sticking up for your self.
You definitely need your medical team to fight this.
It would be terrible if she let your bipolar diagnosis prevent you from getting your license back.
bizi
(((((HUGS)))))

can't you just tell her that the seroquel is preventing manias and that anyways you have some warning if a mania was coming and you could seek help.
bobby

That's the thing, I told her all that! And I told her that I was much better at recognizing the warning signs now. When I mentioned overspending, it didn't seem like she knew it was a symptom?!

I forgot to take my pills yesterday and it was too late to take them by the time I realized it. I ended up really missing the seroquel anxiety-wise and by early evening I was having visceral reactions (I absolutely cannot stand feeling like that) to recurring thoughts surrounding the substance abuse counseling. But I had skipped my nap and I figured it was too late in the day to take klonopin because of the big dose of pm seroquel… I should have just taken the ****ing klonopin… I had zero relief until the seroquel finally knocked me out.

I haven't been that agitated in a while and it worries me because of the timing… I just revisited the whole s/s business and I did it in what was obviously an unsafe environment. It was not a good time to forget my meds, and I'm hoping that's all it was. I feel okay this morning but tired (which is a good sign), but just in case there IS a med plan in place that I can begin to deploy on my own until the office opens and I can get in touch with pdoc.

I don't like therapy, and I like the idea of dual-therapy even less, but I'm thinking of moving up the appointment with my regular tdoc if I can. I have a feeling this nice lady is going to be toxic.
I'm going to have to do some work on my own to mitigate the damage. That involves taking klonopin regularly again to manage my anxiety, and trying to press the reset button. In our next session, I need to take back control at the very start and set the pace and direction from there on out.

I didn't get a chance to talk to pdoc on the phone yesterday about the appointment because she had one of the girls in the office call me back about the amantadine. My neuro sent her notes about our last appointment. So, the message was she encouraged me to take it, but to be on the look out for blurry vision, constipation, and dry mouth because I'm taking it in conjunction with seroquel.
I'm much more comfortable with the thought of taking it due to her encouragement and the conservative dose, but after yesterday I think it's a good idea to wait a few days. I want to make sure that the agitation is due to missing my meds and being overtired and irritable. I don't want to add a new med into the mix if there's ANY chance something brewing.

Hi kay,
It was too bad that you missed your meds during this really stressful time.
Sorry that you had such anxiety.
I think you are wise to wait a few days before adding the medication. I think you will feel better once you are sure that you are stable.
The whole process is triggering.
The meeting with that lady is behind you now. Hoping that you can see your tdoc sooner. She can hlep you be comfortable with a plan.
wishing for you some peace of mind.
You sound likie you are doing ok with all of this.
(((((HUGS))))
You are a very strong woman.

Thank you Bizi :hug::hug::hug:
You're right, all of this is triggering. If the subject comes up again, I will let this counselor know that in the future, discussions regarding my s/s attempt will be reserved for my personal psych team… she knows enough and has the letters from my providers stating I am getting regular psych treatment already.

I think the agitation from Friday was from increased anxiety and missing my meds. I took 1mg klonopin in the morning, and another in the afternoon yesterday and I felt much better. I do well for stretches of time tricking my mind out of having to use much klonopin… now is not one of those times. And as long as my anxiety is treated appropriately, I'll be able to identify any other symptoms that may emerge much more easily, and I'll be on high alert.

None of that means I won't stop trying to manipulate myself though. I have to try to give this lady less power, and these sessions less significance in my mind. I also need to start redirecting myself more if I find myself dwelling on thoughts surrounding these counseling sessions.

I am sorry if this comes across wrong, don't mean it to....
You may be an interesting case for her.
And that may be why she is more interested in talking about it but it is not helpful to you at all. This needs to be her priority and I think it is wise to tell her just that and about how you already have a team in place for those discussions, some how with out pissing her off.

(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

It didn't come across wrong at all. As usual, you make a good point. It wouldn't be the first time I was an "interesting case" for someone. My psychiatrist in the hospital was very interested in the MS/BP comorbidity.

I think I'm probably a compelling case because I don't think she has a very good understanding of bipolar I. It's not as common as bipolar II, so maybe she doesn't have any personal experience in working with patients who have it. I'm sure as a therapist that's fascinating and challenging, and I get the feeling she wants to save me.
I don't have a problem talking to her about my bipolar disorder, but I will be guarded, and as I said, the subject of the s/s is off the table. I will simply explain that it's a very sensitive subject and the therapeutic process there needs to remain consistent. She's a very nice lady, and I think I can be pleasant while setting limits.

The thought has also occurred to me that the counselor was testing me to see if I was willing to take responsibility for my drinking or was willing to blame it fully on the bipolar disorder… by the end of the appointment, she had me believing my real problem was bp and not alcohol, but I know I'm an alcoholic. So, I need to revisit that subject with her. After all, she is a substance abuse counselor.

My friend Bill wrote me my first letter about being sober. It was a very good letter. He mailed a copy to me and sent one directly to the counselor. I'll help my husband write the second, and I'll bring it with me to the next session on Thursday.

I just can't afford to be afraid of this lady- it's way too stressful. She did say that she always does the minimum amount of sessions, which would be 6. I'm going to try to be cautiously optimistic and hope that this will all be over with soon.

All of this makes sense and sounds like a good plan.
Wishing you a peaceful day today.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I've already taken 1mg of klonopin and once I'm sure my anxiety is under control, I'm going to take the amantadine for the first time this morning. I guess I'm feeling brave. I will let you know how it works out.

I tried my 2nd new pill cutter yesterday. The design is much different than most on the market. It can cut through the huge 400mg seroquel horse pills, but for some unknown reason it cuts small pills in thirds when you try to half them. It's going in the garbage.
My husband showed me a way to make the 1st new one to work well halving small pills evenly with the 1st new one I ordered by holding it in you hand rather than placing it on the table. It can also cut the horse pills perfectly, so that one is a keeper. It will replace the 2 old crappy ones I had.

Tomorrow I'm going to order supplies to make more candles :) I'm having a hard time deciding on the glassware I want though. It's nice slow-paced work and very relaxing. This will be my third attempt, so I expect the candles will come out better. I'm going to watch a couple of videos that will hopefully help with the process.