Hi, Kay,

Anger can be productive in that it helps with clarity/ insight and in getting us to the next place.

A lot of us were mis-dx'ed and/or medicated improperly. I think that lost years due to sloppy doctoring are more present than not for people with bipolar. (Essentially all of us dx'd bipolar belong in one huge support group for lost years/lost jobs/lost friendships/lost money/lost family members.)
Be angry. Embrace your own good strengths.

Then forgive yourself. A person with properly treated bipolar drinks differently than someone who is inadequately treated.

Re your abstaining from alcohol: you are doing very well.

I can see how the awareness of how the OCD plays into things requires that attention be paid to it.

I am really happy to hear that it was a productive visit. You are doing very well.


Do you and your husband have happy Christmas traditions? New Years?

M

Thank you Bobby and Mari

Today is the 1yr anniversary of my s/s attempt.

I do think that the anger I was experiencing yesterday was productive, and it did help to put things into perspective. Prior to yesterday, I wasn't delving that far into the past.

Dealing with all the issues associated with my s/s attempt will be a long ongoing process. It is easy to say "Forgive yourself," but this is not something that is easily accomplished after you have traumatized your family and yourself in the way, and to the degree, that I did. It's tough to try to fight back from insanity, and try to learn how to live with what you've done. It's been a very difficult year.

The hardest things to for me to understand about my s/s attempt is that I was manic, not depressed. And even though I was psychotic, I planned, was methodical, and what I did seemed logical to me at the time. I can't explain the disconnect.
I know how important early intervention is. That's why I've fought as hard as I have to stay proactive in my care and remain vigilant, and it's why I'm still here.

I do view my s/s attempt as a second chance at life. I'd do anything to take it back, but I'm better and worse for it. The last year has been absolute hell, but there have been victories, too. I've reconciled with my husband, learned how to better manage my MH care, have taken more control over my life, and I've quit drinking.

I value my life, and will continue to do everything I need to in order to safeguard it. I'm happy to be here.

-----

My husband and I used to visit his parents on Christmas Eve, and go to my aunt's on Christmas Day. I'm staying at home this year and making dinner on Christmas Eve, but my husband will visit with his side of the family on Christmas Day. I just can't handle the stress this year.

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I was up 2hrs early this morning. I'm not sure yet if I'm experiencing extra anxiety or low-grade symptoms of hypomania. I took an extra 1/2mg of klonopin this morning, but it hasn't helped much. All I can do is jack up the klonopin, wait for a response, and pay close attention to my behavior today. In the past I've had the habit of escalating every week or so. I saw pdoc and my seroquel was adjusted Friday. If I need to, I'll just add in that extra 200mg of gabapentin tonight.

Kay,

Do you keep a written record or keep track somehow of the meds you increase or decrease? 'Just wandering. I would not be able to remember.

Things like that are wounds that take a lot of time to heal although we can
probably notice some bits of relief from them along the way.

That one makes sense to me.

---
I do not know at all if this applies in your case but I remember a pnurse I knew as a friend explaining to me (in a very general way) that people who are depressed do not often have the energy. Also, that movement of one to the other (depression to mania OR mania to depression) is the most dangerous time. That fits into my own understanding of mixed states -- sorry if I got off topic.
I am being a little vague on purpose.

You are beautiful and safe.

===
'Stinks about family and the Christmas gathering/s.
It is good that you are staying home.
I kind of remember that you like to cook. Is that right?

Keep taking care of yourself. You are strong and good.

M