thank you for thinking i am a strong person. i appreciate that. when i die i don't want anybody to come to my funeral because i don't think it is worth the effort.
do you know what i mean? I hope the cardiologist is talkative. I am not sure what to ask. Is there surgery in the future? I know i have to lose weight. I bought the shoes yesterday to give me a high. I found them irresistible. now i see there are some marks on them and i don't know what the marks are. this month my bank statement will be scary because of the vet bill and i will pay the accountant. I try to keep within a budget. the budget was already blown big time. yes the fall was silly. yes there is still a lot of pain. it is like when you get whacked by a hard ball in a soft muscle...that is the only way i can describe it.
A friend of mine told me stop bothering trying to resolve the anger issues..it won't happen. I think too much damage was done over too many issues over too long a time. did i tell you the story of little jude, the flegdling starling I found
(i had two one lived to be over 14)-he was the cheeriest little baby and i would delight every morning in feeding him. he made my day. these were dark days.
a year to the day my mother died, little Jude died. an Indian woman told me when a parent doesn't get the love from a child on earth she comes down as a bird and gets it there. I wonder if little Jude was my mother. I gave that bird so much love.
bobby

What a sweet story bobby, thank you for sharing.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

i wonder if it is true. oh in my building i think they have a place for clothes you want to through out. the topamax helps with binging but it is not 100 percent especially when i am severely depressed.
bobby

there is a place in my building for clothes to be thrown out. my rear still really hurts. i am staying in bed all day. the cats are keeping me company. don't know when i will go to the cardiologist and to my primary doctor. I don't think i need a doctor for my rear. I haven't looked at the bruise yet. I have to be very careful on one side because it hurts so much.
I am going out with my oldest nephew again next sunday. He turned fifty on the 12th. His daughter will turn 20 on tuesday. I will send her an email via his email.
it is all of a sudden weird to have family at this age. My friend who helps me thanked me for telling alex the youngest about her helping me and appreciates that i appreciate her so much. I told her she follows the bible even though she is an agnostic and doesn't read the bible.
this morning the two kitty cats were only inches apart at the foot of the bed. I thought that was a great sign and it meant that pudge had company at last.
bobby sort of regretting buying the shoes...easy to say once i bought them

First I've had a heart murmur since birth. So have two of my kids.
There are technically different kinds. One is called I believe
inoperable, which is the kind I definitely have. And I believe so
does Dan and Derrick. They can also come at different times of your
life, I know this because Dan's wasn't heard at birth, but a few years
later.

Some of the heart murmur's have to be operated on as soon as they
are heard or the testing done show a need. I had a family friend
who was a few years older than me as a child, that had two or three
because of a heart murmur and a whole in her heart.

I also know a little about leaking valves, I think is the name. Because
after many years of not having issues with her heart. My youngest
sister developed this. To solve what is going on they just have her
on a medication.

My mom has other issues, and is on medication for a fast beating heart.


Donna

it is weird but both my friend and i didn't see the note on the report to call back the doctor. only my primary doctor saw it. it was just the telephone number of the doctor. as soon as i feel better. I will call for an appointment. I really hurt and am very depressed. It was so stupid of me to take that fall. never again like that.
I might postpone the accountant since it is past due date anyways. I need some kind of break. I feel as if i am in crisis mode continually and i don't even have a family except for two kitty cats to watch over.
bobby who doesn't know how you do it.

I think it's a good idea to make that appointment with the cardiologist as soon as possible (if you haven't already) so it's not hanging over your head. It's better to know than to imagine what's wrong…
Not all irregular test results mean something disastrous. I was so worried when I found out about that EKG when I went to the ER. I have a heart block, but it's benign. It can become a big problem if I develop another cardiac problem though.

Please take a look at your butt and feel it for a lump. If you have a dark bruise and a lump you should have your PCP look at it. A good hard fall on your *** can really hurt, I'm sorry I'm just glad you didn't fall on an arm/leg/hip/etc and break something
Most of the time when people have those silly falls it's because they're moving too fast and/or not paying attention to what they're doing. I'm sure if you're anxious that's more likely to happen.

It's hard to let go of anger. It's hard to forgive. I think trying to try to understand Myra could help. Maybe talking to your nephews and focusing on others things about her could help with that. I'm glad you're seeing Laurence o Sunday. It's nice to have family, no matter how old you are when you reconnect. I think it's wonderful that you let your friend know that you told your nephew how much you appreciate her. Sometimes people need to hear that. I bet you made her day

I completely understand about you regretting buying the shoes. I get almost instant buyers remorse sometimes. I get that shopping high, too. I have a history of that w/wo hypomania. Right now I'm shopping on the internet for something in particular. I have to be very careful.

If you have the tax extension and went over budget this month, why rush to the accountant? You need a break.

i don't feel any bumps. If i did i think i would get an xray. I must admit i hadn't looked at it. I did the fall in slow motion but came down hard. I kept on reaching and reaching for the brush and eventually lost my balance and fell off the bed.
you are right about going to the cardiologist but i feel so rotten right now.
tomorrow i am going to try to force myself to have a blood test. then i can go on zetia. then i will call for an appt. you are right. I think i will call the accountant and postpone it two weeks. I need a break. I have to order things and right now i can't seem to organize anything. I am waiting to see if laurence asks what happened between myra and me. I don't think i am allowed to talk about daddy's alcoholism...they idealize my father. the main part of the story will still be a pink elephant.unless he mentions it. it was a family secret. I just called the accountant and he is on vacation. He will call me back when he returns. I left a message that i want to postpone it. I feel relieved.
rats
bobby

Some things are better left in the past Bobby. I don't know that I would be telling telling the boys any of the bad family memories. It may compromise your relationships with them. Just a thought.

Glad you are giving yourself a break by postponing the taxes

If the nephews already know about the bipolar, that might be enough without having to mention drinking.

It will help them if one of their children or grandchildren gets diagnosed with bipolar as it (or variations of it) seem to run in some families.


M