Bobby,
Holidays can bring up unsettling memories.
It's good to hear that you found benefit from reading Julia Quinn.



M

I don't remember if I ever mentioned it after all these years but I am paranoid. I have been that way since I have been little and it also has interfered with my life. I think part of it was growing up with my father's rage and drinking, the enemy within and projecting the fears without. When I was young my neighbor who was a few years older than I was tried to strangle me twice and all my mother said was don't play with harvey. I don't even think she told his mother. II had some other scary experiences but not as scary. when I got my dogs I got a bit better and wasn't as afraid of walking down side streets. yesterday the friendly visitor came with goodies and a turkey dinner. I could never have done that volunteer work because I would be too paranoid. also I turned down a guy for a date and he threatened to kill me. I believed him.
last night I crashed again. so many painful memories-I really enjoyed reading and tennis and later squash and paddleball

I am sorry about your fears., and that those things happened to you.


Wasn't that wonderful that she bought you a meal.
Really pleased that you are reading again.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

the friendly visitor was a man of 84 who does a lot of volunteer work. I almost just applied to adopt another abyssian but stopped myself.

I am glad that you stopped. The 2 cats that you have is already enough work/expense to care for and they may not like another cat coming into the picture.
bizi

I forgot it was very scary having to be in the car when my father was drunk driving. as I mentioned before my parents were very critical. my father was very self critical and my mother wasn't. as I mentioned my father went to harvard law school and he thought his classmates were all idiots. only his professors were bright. I received constant criticism.
the cat had behavior problems and would pee occasionally outside the box. poor kitty cat. no wonder plus the bipolar i am so f@#ked up and never married

I am glad that you have your kitties to love and care for.
You have been thru so much and are worthy of love.
bizi

Sending hugs and good thoughts.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

the new rabbi came over today and it was wonderful. I had an upsetting time with Marci yesterday. she showed no compassion over my explosion and burns and we almost got into a fight. she mentioned how much it hurt when she was burnt a little and I told her I was burnt almost 20 percent of my body in an explosion and suffered post traumatic stress which hasn't left me and made my bipolar anxiety worse. I don;t know what is going to happen. the rabbi is coming over again in a couple of weeks

Bobby

Kind of sounds like you need a break from Marci. Or someone
new for now.

She needs to remember who the person is that employees her
or her boss is.

Not just her friend.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

of course donna is right!
:)
bizi

marci was delightful yesterday and very helpful. she helped me walk to the bank and held my arm. she told me a family secret which I thought was a breakthrough about her father. also it is almost impossible to get another aide and then when they gave me one they were lazy and awful.
I was severely depressed all night long. My youngest nephew wrote me with family news. I couldn;t control myself. I said I wished I were dead and was spending another thanksgiving alone as usual and I should get used to it by now. I wished him a happy thanksgiving. I forgot if I mentioned I told the Rabbi I wished I were dead

did you get any sleep at all bobby?
I am sorry it is so hard for you.
wish it were easier.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I hardly slept but just took a little nap. Not being able to fall asleep adds to my depressive thoughts. Both kitty cats kept me company. That helped a little.
My nephew just wrote me and said he and his family are coming into the city in Jan for an event and will stop and see me. He tells me to be positive but he doesn't understand. if only I could be positive.

At least he wrote back to you.
bizi

Bobby,

I am so sorry that you have gone through so much trauma in your life, and you are reliving it now :hug::hug::hug:
I suffer from a little paranoia myself, and know how it can hold you back at times :hug:

I'm glad that you had such positive experiences with your friendly visitor and the Rabbi. And I'm glad that things are back to normal with you and Marci :hug::hug::hug:

I'm so sorry that your nephews aren't more present in your life. But I'm glad that you have such good friends to rely on, and please know that we all love you, too :hug::hug::hug:

I am in a lot of pain. I just wrote my nephew a provocative email and told him I couldn't be positive and how could you if your mother said let the state take care of you. I said true Jews are supposed to take care of their mentally ill relatives. Abby was with me all night.

I'm so glad Abby was with you. Cats are very intuitive :hug::hug::hug:

I wonder if your nephew will answer you, and what he will say...
I hope that you get a positive response from him (((HUGS)))

I agree with kay.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

haven't heard from my nephew. not sure what I am going to do. think I might write him again and said his non reply seems to be an agreement that my mother treated me awfully and thank God for alice for paying my rent. had chinese food for thanksgiving. it was great and still stuffed. talked to a friend for an hour. bought four pairs of shoes from ebay.

please wait a few days before sending another note.
He may be thinking about his response, maybe?
bizi

I hardly slept again last night. I had been the scapegoat in my family and I am so blasted tired and keeping all the family secrets. alex probably doesn't believe me. he wrote back before and said how wonderful my parents were. He didn't show any compassion for me.I went through hell. my doctor said my bipolar and stuff wouldn't have been so bad if my parents hadn't been so abusive. I just don't feel like sitting on it any more. thanksgiving really brought it out...all the hateful memories. they treated the kids so well and they treated me worse than sh#t

Bobby does it help you to vent here and share your stories?
Keep posting if it does.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi
We are hear to listen.

yes it does. I just sent him another email reminding him that when he was little he was in the street hoping a car would run him over and my parents just stayed in their car because my sister wouldn't let them in her house because they were early and they didn't get out the car and comfort him. I am so out of control. I have a lot of poison in me right now

(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Bobby, when is your pdoc appointment?

I think you are so out of control because you are off meds right now. You need to get back on something ASAP so you can start getting some relief (((HUGS)))

If the appointment isn't soon, maybe you can call him so he can call in a script, or give you directions about taking something you already have on hand like Zoloft, if that is his plan.

I hate that you are having to relive you past trauma daily right now. You must be miserable :hug::hug::hug:

I agree with Bizi... try not to send another note to your nephew until you give hm more time to respond- unless you already have.

Sending you (((((BIG HUGS))))) today

I see him on tuesday. zoloft hasn't done anything. I wonder if this is bipolar or living through the traumas ...they are crystal clear. I am also furious at stella.

I would say both trauma and bipolar disorder, Bobby :hug::hug::hug:

What did Stella do this time?

Stella knows it all

I heard from alec and he said he remembers about the road and getting bored and leaving it but doesn't remember Normie not doing anything. then I reminded him of very he was very little he was playing with an ant and said even ants had to have friends. I wrote him I had a very good memory and I don't make those things up

I am very depressed. I gained ten pounds. I haven;t been weighing myself. no more ice cream

I wish our weight was not an issue bobby, I would be happier if I did not have to constantly think about my weight.
I think that for me it will always be a batttle/ struggle.
bizi

i wish I had weighed myself sooner....this is the most I have been in so very long

yes bobby, when I weighed myself on Nov 1st that was the highest I had been in years, it scared me so that is why I am dieting and not drinking alcohol....I don't ever want to be that weight again.
It gets scary thinking I could get diabetes or a fatty liver.
bizi
Are you going to try a diet?

I'm so sorry you gained the 10 pounds, Bobby :hug:
I can understand how bad that feels. I gained 50lbs when I started taking Seroquel. But I think dieting will just add extra stress you don't need right now. I would wait until you are on meds for a little while :hug::hug::hug:

I'm sorry Stella is being Stella again :hug:

as I said I am going to cut out ice cream and also chinese food. I got on the scale this afternoon and already dropped two pounds. i think it was three days of water weight from the chinese foodI threw out the meals on wheels/ I am also going to drink more coffee. I am out of control and could never diet. I can cut out certain food and that is what I will do. It is so stressful. Kay is right. I don't know if my pdoc can find an antidepressant for me. I will try again to go on klonopin. I will also try to read more.
i haven't gotten comments from my nephew nor have i gotten pictures from thanksgiving. i think he heard me

i lost three more pounds. a lot of it most of been water weight from the chinese food

I swear Chinese food can make you retain water like nothing else! I'm glad you shed those 5lbs! :):):)

I like your plan of just trying to cut out those 2 foods. It seems like an attainable goal to me :hug:
I find coffee filling. Drinking more may help you in that department.

I think it seemed like you were not getting any benefit at all from your antidepressants until you stopped them (not that they were doing nearly enough). There are lots of different meds/med combos that pdocs can try. It's important to keep trying to find something that will work for you and not give up. You need to be on medication, as do I :hug::hug::hug:

I wish your nephew would respond to you :hug:

He doesn't believe what i wrote him about my parents. he remembered going in the road and wishing he were run over but he doesn't remember mmy mother or father in their car trying to comfort him. I wonder if he will think about that.
already I want more chinese food but I will decline. I guess you are right about medication. I am on risperdal.

Bobby

Do you have any idea how old he was? When the being in the street issue was.
That might be part of the reason he doesn't remember.

Please try to get through this. No real clue how to. Sending some hugs.

Donna :hug::grouphug: