I am so glad Donna!

Meh my friends....
Im feeling so angry today... I think every day I become a bitter and bitter person.... Im so jealous of my cousins because they still have their moms.... I can say I hate them.... :confused::eek::( I know that sucks, but Im just being honest.... it is a chain reaction... because I immediately become mad at God but giving me the worst things always compared to my family.... I hate life.... I hate myself.... Gosh, I hate too much everything.... :confused: Nothing gives me pleasure, I always anxious.... I mean, I have my xanax and my prozac here, but, they just... like, STOP my brain but, that is not....me ? :confused:

Argh. I feeling like self harming but Im not gonna do it. because.... because no.

:(

Blue

Be as angry with the cousins and things as you need to. That is
the easiest way to get through this. Now start a conversation that
you would have with your mom. Tell her how it feels without her
here. And what you would tell her if she was here. I wish you
lived closer to me. I'd adopt you as a daughter. I always wanted
and daughter. And I'd love to have another adopted daugther
to have tell me her problems.

Just remember thats what we are all here for. To be helpful
with what you need.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

(((((Donna))))))
Donna.... Thank you for always being so sweet, warm and kind with me... ALWAYS. I so wish we lived closed.... :hug: :hug: :hug:

I just got me a journal and write to my mom all the time... but.... oh my God... the pain I feel in my heart is.... just.... too much.... I dont know if I can handle this pain any longer.... :(

Blue

You can handle this blue it is just going to take time. And patience.

keep learning to work through your anxiety. And keep working through your life and things.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. I lost my sister, so I know how grief hurts.

Eccl.3 To everything there is a season...

friend you have a lot to grieve over.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi:hug:

I understand that hate and jealousy, Blue. I STILL get jealous when people tell stories about their mothers, what they do with their mothers, and what their mothers do for them.

It's okay to be angry. You have a right to be. Sometimes I get angry about things too, including the fact that my mother is gone. Just let yourself be angry sometimes :hug::hug::hug:

It sounds like you are being overwhelmed by many different feelings right now, but at the same time, you are numb, and you feel the need for an release... please do not hurt yourself. Try to vent to us, or go to your pdoc instead :hug::hug::hug:

I wish I could take your pain away (((HUGS)))

Thank you Donna :hug: You bring me hope and calm.

Speaking of anxiety, last week was particularly HORRENDOUS. :eek: Doc gave me xanax (second time in my life I take it, the other was one month after mom died) for emergencies like last week.... My friends, it was horrible.... I couldnt stop listening to my own brain overthinking everything, evertyhing crappy of course.... I couldnt sleep because my mind wouldnt stop talking to me.... HORRIBLE. Im feeling better today.... I think I wont take xanax today... Who has taken xanax here and how has been your experience with it ?

Hey B Friend ! Eccl.3 was so beautiful !!! it made me feel peace :) I think I will have to send you a message with some questions I have after reading it if you dont mind ? :o

Thank you for sharing this with me (us) Kay.... :hug: What do you do when you are feeling angry ? I just let is be and sometimes write it in my journal.... the probelm with my anger is that sometimes I feel it is making me such a bitter person :(

Much love to all !!! :grouphug:

I let myself be angry, but not for long before I have to distract myself and fill my mind with other thoughts. I guess what I'm saying is it's okay to be angry for a little while, but you have to be able to move on from it, or as you said, it will make you bitter and hard :hug::hug::hug:

I'm so sorry that your anxiety was so high, and Xanax made things that much worse, Blue (((HUGS)))
You obviously need something for anxiety, but Xanax isn't it. There are other anti-anxiety meds out there, like Klonopin, that you can take on an as needed basis. You should let your pdoc know about your experience, and ask for something else for emergencies. You should have something on-hand so you don't have to struggle with your anxiety :hug::hug::hug:

Most of the time, I only take 1mg of Klonopin in the morning now, when my anxiety is at its highest, but sometimes I need a lot more than that.
My experience with Xanax was when I was much more f'ed up, and I took it 3 times a day because I needed it... I probably needed more than that. It worked well and fast, especially if I was having an anxiety attack. It can be sedating, like the other benzo's tho. I took Klonopin before that, and at one point (when I was better), I asked to be put back on Klonopin because I felt like it worked longer. It works pretty well for me when I'm just dealing with anxiety.

Please contact your pdoc to ask for a different anti-anxiety med. Something will work for you :hug::hug::hug:

Oh LOL, I re-read my message and I see how I screwed it up... What I meant to say was that Xanax rescued me from my ultra horrible anxiety :o Sorry about the misunderstanding.... My anxiety was horrible, xanax was not hehe. I took xanax in emergencies like that one :cool:

I was really tired of my brain which wouldnt stop "talking"...

I'm sorry I misread your post, Blue :hug:

I re-read it keeping in mind that it was your anxiety was so terrible, and it was not a result of the Xanax. It sounds like you were suffering from a really bad case of "catastrophic thinking," which is common for people who suffer from anxiety :hug::hug::hug:

You don't have to decide from day to day (in advance) whether or not you will take the Xanax unless you know you will have to drive somewhere, operate heavy equipment (lol), or be particularly on top of your game for some other reason.
When the time comes, if you feel like you need it, take it. That's why you have the prescription for it :hug:

Xanax is good for panic, anxiety, and depression. It basically works for four hours. I've been taking it for years, usually four times a day. Take the same amount, and don't take more, and more of it. If you take more, and more of it, it stops working. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Just to clarify Blue, BF is entirely correct. Many people taking benzo's regularly overuse them (or abuse them) and they no longer work like they should. I know someone who has blown through both Klonopin and Xanax doing that.

But you are taking Xanax as needed, so that's different. it's okay to take it more than once a day if you are experiencing strong anxiety.
What's important is that you make sure that you follow the directions that your pdoc has given you :hug::hug::hug:

I wouldn't take Xanax if you don't need it. It is addictive. If you need it, take it. If you take it for a while and want to stop taking it, taper off of it slowly. Do it as slowly as you need. I recommend a period of six months to a year or more. Our anxieties are bad enough, and we don't want to make it worse. If you tell a doctor, he may do it drastically, and fast causing a mental health crisis. I have been through a doctor's cold turkey idea where I stopped taking a medication suddenly. I ended up drinking and was sick with anxiety. It was a much stronger medication for sleeping. I'm glad that I didn't die. I don't think that they do this anymore.

Just know it. You can taper off of it over a long period of time. I did this one time around 25 years ago. Then there came a time where I needed it again. What can you do? It's a difficult decision. Extreme anxiety is difficult to treat, and I hope that better medications can come about in the future.

Don't let anyone rush you off of your medications if you need to do it slowly. It's best to do it yourself. You can do it in a way that is comfortable for you. After all, doctors are human beings, and human beings make mistakes. Doctors have made many mistakes with me, and people have given me bad advice because they had no clue as to what I was going through. I sometimes go through hell with these anxieties and depressions, and sometimes people make it worse. People without horrible anxiety have no idea what we are going through. The only reason why I am still alive is by the grace of God.

Otherwise, take them as prescribed. Don't take more than are prescribed. That's when they stop working after awhile. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hello Blue. Are you okay? BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hello my friends !!!

I have been very busy with my ultra awesome job scheduling interpreters all day in front of a computer :rolleyes: so tired AND super depressed.... Anxiety has been controlled fortunately.... but gosh, I have been sooooooo down.... very sad.... I cry a lot, feel so lonely, so empty.... I miss my mom SO F word much, A LOT... I wish I had a family, my own family I mean.... And, that, makes me so sad....

I never was an envious (sp ?) person until now.... every day I feel more and more envy of the people with their moms.... beginning with my cousins.... why my mom and not theirs ? they are annoying, rude, zero empathic... but no, God and life decided it was my mom and me who had to be separated.... oh ok, Im mad,sad, etc.... Terrible. I consider myself a horrible person now. But, I Cant help it.... at the end, being a good girl has never given me good things eh ?

I feel like my life has no sense.,.. no purpose....

:(

Being busy can give us a sense of purpose, like we are really needed in our job. Know that they need you.
Am sorry you are missing your mom.Time does help....
I still have my mother and am fortunate because he lost her sister barb last year she was only 81. Mom turned 80 in feb. we are throwing her a birthday party this july 6th. It is an open house on the campus of notre dame, IN.
Hoping that there is a good turn out.


HOw old was your mother?
Tell us more about her if you are up to it.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Blue I miss my Dad also, so I can relate to what you are saying. I lost my mother before that. I lost my sister about four years ago. Right now I feel very lonely. I don't know what to do about it. These things happen to a bunch of us, but it's not suppose to weaken us. I try to spend some time with the Lord, and I find that hard to do these days. That's all I can do at this time. I'm sorry for your depression, and anxiety. I can relate to those emotions also. BF:hug::hug::hug:

I guess my job is not that important to make me feel Im needed in this world to be honest :o Anybody could do what I do.... :o

Only 81... my mom was ONLY 59... :o Imagine that !!! Life does suck. :( How I wish my mom could have lived "at least" 80.... oh well, **** my life, ,my luck or whatever rules who live longer than others...


My friend, I need you to help me with some faith questions I have and Im sure you will help me... I will send you a private message soon, when Im feeling less miserable, less tired and angry with life. :rolleyes:

I am sorry that your mom died at age 59.:(
(((((HUGS))))
bizi:hug:

I am also sorry that your mother died. Life can be very difficult, but you are here, and God has a reason for you to be here. He Loves you very much. Have you read the Psalm recently. That will help you to feel better. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Dear Majo,


So so sorry for the sadness you are experiencing in missing your Mom.

'Lots of hugs.:hug: :hug:

'Lots of wishes that eventually the pain is less sharp.

If it helps you, tell us something about her.:heartthrob:


M

Majo

I always wondered why god decided my dad should be taken at the age of 60 or 61. He hadn't even retired when he first got sick. He retired just a few
weeks before he died. Derrick and my nephew Ben were born just a month or two before he died. And they will be 28 this May and June. My dad will be gone for 28 years this July. So I can totally relate to your wondering why.

At that point I would have told you I had no reason to be here, but for my boys. I didn't feel important. I had no job. Nothing that held me here.
SO I can relate to that too. But I've learned in the years to come since then that there are reason's for everything that happens.

First I have a job now that I love, I've had it for almost 18 years. And I wouldn't have thought I'd ever have this kind of job. I personally think
we all have a reason for being here.

SO I think your here for us to know you. So I'm hoping you will tell us
about your mom we are waiting.
Donna :hug::grouphug:

My mother died 22 years ago when she was 46, I was 17, and my poor little brother was only 9 years old.

You are not a horrible person. Your wounds from losing your mother are obviously still very fresh, and you need time to heal. You have a right to your feelings and shouldn't judge yourself for being jealous, etc :hug::hug::hug:

I'm so sorry that you are still so deeply depressed, but I'm happy to hear that your anxiety is under control (((HUGS)))

I know that sometimes finding our place in life takes time. But we all have a purpose, whether we realize it or not. I think that God has a plan for us all :hug::hug::hug:

I floundered for a long time after my mother died (which I don't think is uncommon or abnormal) until my CNA career fell into my lap, which led to me going back to nursing school in my mid-20's. I enjoyed what I did, and it gave me a palpable sense of purpose until MS put an end to all of that.

Is there something that you can think of that could make your life happier? A different type of job? A hobby or activity that you enjoy doing that you could do more, or get more involved in/pursue further? Or any other goal that you can think of that you can work towards?

Those are just ideas.

Thinking of you today, Blue (((HUGS)))

Blue How are you doing? BF:hug::hug::hug:

Hello dear friends,

I always find comfort in your messages... :hug: you are really the best :hug:

Your messages were so beautiful and touching.... I feel very blessed to have you in my life :hug:

I have been feeling very lonely-... but also, empty.... like, it is very difficult for me to keep having hope in life you know....

But I come here, and re read your message, cry and then I feel better :o :)

My mood has been changing A LOT.... I mean, more than before.... :confused: I guess it is because I’m more sensitive now ( I thought I was ultra sensitive already hehe) and everything can make me feel nostalgic or super angry suddenly...- oh well :o

I want to go to Las Vegas to go see this band my mom and I loved/love.... I feel exited but stressed at the same time.—- like, how Am I gonna survive going there, full of memories without my mom ? :(
Don’t know.—. It’s hard to think !

Much love :grouphug:

Hi,

I was in a Vegas with first husband for a night or so.

It was soooooo long ago that I do not remember much.

I remember that the landscape was foreign to anything else I
had ever seen. It was so beautiful.
The people were nice
And at that time the food was very cheap.


I believe that, if you go, your memories will give you strength.:heartthrob:

:):):):)

Mari

You are such a lovely person, we are fortunate to have you in our lives was well. I'm glad that you find comfort and friendship here on the forum. We are always here for you :hug::hug::hug:

I'm so sorry that your mood hasn't lifted, and you are still suffering. Anger can accompany depression. How is your anxiety? (((HUGS)))

I got married in Las Vegas! It was just my husband and I. We had such a good time... it was a trip of a lifetime! Mari is right, it is a beautiful place, and the people are exceedingly nice. I would LOVE to go back there again.

I think if you go to the concert, your mother would like that, and would be there with you as you make new memories (((HUGS)))

Blue Work on being in love with the person in the mirror who has been through so much but is still standing. Author unknown BF:hug::hug::hug:

Perfect advice BF! 😊

Blue Are you okay? BF :hug::hug::hug:

Blue I know that Mothers day was a hard day to get through. I know that you miss her. :( Please be strong, and realize that we all lose our mothers, and it is painful for all of us. You are not alone. Please receive our love and the love of other people around you. I know its hard. Please receive Gods love. He will help you to get through this season of heartache. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you for that, BF :hug::hug::hug:

Thank you so much, I mean, SO much for thinking about me B Friend.... :hug:

Kay :hug: :hug: :hug: Thanks for being here.

And everyone.... I like to think I have friends that think about me :) :grouphug: :hug:

I somehow managed to survive mother's day.... I unfortunately had to meet people with zero empathy (or intelligence) that told me things like: "OMG ! no, how horrible !! I would die if my mother wasnt here anymore" :rolleyes: And I was like: "I have been dead since that day actually...." :( I know it might not be with bad intention but, it hurts and make me ****** to hear things like that.... Oh well....

In different notes, there is only one thing left that still gives me hope... watch a music band I like that I used to watch and listen to with mom.... they are coming this Friday but, I have to work.... and Im scared.... I think you understand what social anxiety is and... there is no mom anymore to root for me or even go with me... :( So, Im like, wanting to go but scared plus, work ! :rolleyes: Please pray for me because I dont know what to do.

Thank you for your friendship.

:heart:

When we get to a point like this, you can consider and think about God. He is your maker, and he can help you through this emotional crises. Lean on Him, and think of him. He will help you. Lean on Him. There is a verse in the bible in the Psalm that when our mother, and dad forsake me, then God will take care of me. He is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. You will not be put to shame. Lean on him. In Isaiah 41:10 He says 41:10. Fear not for I am with you, be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. It is so easy for us to forget this. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Thank you my dear friend.... :hug: Im seriously considering going this Friday to try to see this band.... I would need to stay in line for a long while and that's scares me BUT, Im considering taking a back pack with me with a plushie, a paper with the verses you have told me, a pic of my mom and maybe even my journal in case I need to write my feelings....

I think I might cry... like... a lot.... with the emotions causing a "funny" mix but... well, people is cruel anyways and they will talk sh... about me anyways crying or not so.... :(

argh.... I have panic... panic of life... I want to hold my mom's hand so bad.... I tried to ask some "friends" for help, nothing, my aunts, nothing.... nobody want to go with me :rolleyes: Oh well.

:(

Hey Blue. There is no doubt in my mind that once you have given your heart to Jesus, He will never leave you, nor forsake you. Life can get so incredible tuff, and people and friends die, and things have a way of going wrong just at the wrong time, but Jesus is on time. Lean into Him with your mind, and heart. He's right there. He has given all of his children the measure of Faith. Faith comes by hearing, and reading the word of God. It takes time, but you have already started when you first believe.

I thoroughly believe he's with me in the bad times, and in the good times. I have read and searched the bible and am certain that he is able to finish what he started with me even when I'm at my weakest times in life. I hope that you gain a solid faith in him. This can never be taken away from you.

Thank you Friend :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Your welcome Blue. :hug::hug::hug::hug: and more (((Hugs))) BF:grouphug: