I finally read what you wrote

and do you feel better for writing it?
Remember I have a terrible memory so am not really able to comment.
just know that I care about you.
and am wishing you good health both physically and mentally.
bizi

I do feel better. I was attempting to write in a different way and while it wasn't perfect, it was better and gives me more practice. It's also a good record of the day. :) Maybe I could do this for my personal journal, and then pick out the highlights to share here though. Hmm. Just considering ideas.

Goodnight!

that is a great idea!

fondly
bobby

mymorgy- not sure what regency romance novels are

they take place in England mostly in the 1800's and describe dresses, the homes, and use expressions that were used then.They are such a great escape and well written. Right now I am reading books by Elizabeth Mansfield. She is so wonderful!
Fondly
Bobby

Had quite a busy day and I'm tired now, so I'll keep this short. Today is day 2 of 3 with cleaning the oven/stove. It's the first time I've ever cleaned an over and I'm proud of myself for finally learning and actually doing it. It's taken a little bit longer because there are some deep set in stains that need overnight soaking and I could only do one side of the stovetop plates at a time because I needed the stove for cleaning. So now the whole oven is sprayed and soaking and one side of the stovetop is all ready to go. Oh yes, and I also put foil over the plates, you know to avoid excess filth getting on them. Guess it helps, but those plates can still get pretty dirty! I had been doing pretty good with keeping those cleaned and the foil changed out regularly, but there were some deep set in stains that have now only come out with the oven cleaner. Call me a dork or whatever, but I'm excited to have clean things! :D

Oh @bizi did you have something you wanted to say about the post before my last post?? You said you'd come back to comment about it. It was about what I used to do before forums and my new life of going from contentment to having ups and downs but the ups making it all seem worth it. Do you still want to comment or should I just move on? Thanks!

Keep trying. Trying counts

Staying on the plan is a win.


M

hi G, I have exceeded my time allowed for the internet.
Please don't count on me for responses ok. if I have thanked your post then I have read it. ok?
I am overwhelmed at the moment see my thread, you don't have to comment at all. just don't forget to thank me so I know that you read it...ok?
take care bizi

So, busy day for me today! Just as I was thinking I could get a break I'm reminded of taxes. (I dread doing taxes!) We have an appointment for 11am this morning, so I'm up and going slightly earlier (good thing I've been practicing waking up earlier though because this wasn't bad)
Anyway, stressing about when I'm gonna have time to prep food and then cook it. I'm gonna insist we get food outside for lunch...hopefully that will be safe...because it takes at least an hour to prepare and marinate and I really want to get back to the oven cleaning A.S.A.P.!
Taxes usually take a few hours for us and the stress comes with the fact that for some reason, we always end up needing to go back home for some other document here or there. I just don't ever know what to expect! Anyway, hoping all will go smoothly, but I likely won't be much available today until i dunno when. *takes a deep breath*
Hehe but not to get everyone all stressed even more, including myself...hmm trying to think a happy thought here...uhhh...i really don't know. My mind is racing kinda but nothing necessarily generically happy. I've got a song in my head from my favorite album and the weather is nice-ish, maybe. Hehe :)

Edit: Ohhh! Forgot to mention how awful the third movie in the series we've been watching was. I mean, it is laughably horrible! A kid could have been doing the filming, the acting was just getting by (different cast from the other 2), and the plot twist was just a joke to the franchise! Hehe Never again! But all I can do is laugh. ^^

It is good to laugh G!!!!!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Omg! I'm so stressed I forgot I already checked Twitter today and logged in again! :P

But we got taxes done.

Now I'm having lunch and then debating what exactly to cook. I could do the long meal, or I could do the easy one. Long one might yield more meals, but I still have other stuff do do and I'm tired and tense. I dunno. Might actually be worth it if I take the easy route this time, for my mental health sake. Speaking of, I think I'm going to take a break from another forum, except for one or two threads. Unless I get bored, of course, but I'll try to stick to game threads in that case.

Well, lunch is almost done so ttyl!

Hi, GeeLo,

You mostly sound good here.


My head is slow and getting out words in writing or speech is hard due to the depression.


M

Mari, I am sorry for your depression.:(:hug:
G- you are doing so well.
Good for you!!!!
I am really taking things as slow as possible, just being thorough.
I have plenty of time today to do the things that I want to do and need to do. I am glad I am only posting here and no other forums.
Have a good day!
bizi
I am available for support.

So, I'm kinda taking the day off today. Well, it was supposed to be a day relaxing with hubby, but I kinda had a breakdown today. Ended up napping. Now I don't know what is to happen but I just wanted to stop by real quick before battery dies and before I eat lunch. Think my appetite is coming now. Anyway, that has been my day in a nutshell. The breakdown was from dreams I had and waking up to a little disappointment from someone (not here) that really bothers me but I think I just have to get over it. Also, the straw that broke the camel's back was when hubby pointed out one of my flaws, not even in a malicious way, but it just bothered me as I was already sensitive. I think the greatness of having fantasy celebrity obsessions is because they dont know your flaws so you can just imagine them loving you unconditionally...(not to say hubby doesn't love me like that....i hope you know what I mean). Bleh! Just bleh!

Ok, rant done.

Now to go eat lunch and try to get my head on straight.

For some reason my addictions have seem to disappear with other things to do. I don't have time for them.
good riddance!
hugs :hug:
bizi

Alright, so if I don't do this here and now, I may not be able to chat with you folks today as I'm getting super stressed/busy again. It's probably more in my head though, so maybe jotting down a few thoughts will help. So let's see.

Had another troubling dream this morning, which led to me losing a bit of quality sleep. Oh well! It was bound to happen since I stayed up late last night (2am) and hubby had to work at 8am right on the other side of the bedroom door. so yeah, little less sleep or quality sleep than preferred, but I'm doing alright otherwise.

So today on the to do list really isn't that much, except that one thing has been very stressful (I won't be talking about that here though).

Have to cook. I'm making a chicken meal that I did the other day that was new, but not really because I pretty much use the same ingredients, maybe just a slightly different combo.

Then I have "that thing".

The other thing is, that appointment with my GP that I've been planning and stressing and straining about for almost 3 months that was scheduled for this week has been canceled due to this damn covid-19. I'm super emotional about it frankly, but I won't elaborate on that hell right now. I have to give them a call back to sort out when and how I'll get my bloodwork done and refill my prescriptions. I'll need a new appointment for that. Curses!!

I apologize, I'm a bit angry today so my posts here aren't as pleasant as I would like. But I'm human and I'm a very emotional being, so this is just one of those emotions and I feel safe to share it here with you...even if I'm a little embarrassed of myself sometimes.

Ok, well, I think that's about it for this post. Time to go cook!

Ok so that "thing" got delayed if it will happen at all today, but I'm all caught up on everything else and now I just need to work up the desire to do my workout...alright, have a good night everyone! Hugs!

I really shouldn't be here right now, but I want to document how I'm feeling while I'm feeling it.

The best way I can think to describe it is as if I just drank a full cup of coffee...I'm so physically tired, but i can't relax. I do worry about things which elevate my anxiety, but then I can get it to a dull mild level again. I'm so tired from working out. I did a jog/walk today and moved my arms around a lot instead of my steady walk this time. I had this energy I haven't had in years, but now I'm spent, but with that restlessness. I want to cry for a few reasons-that thing that's troubling me...i want to be there to address it, but I know I just need to rest my mind. I'm stressed about remembering to set meat out to thaw when I just want to call it quits for the day (it's too early to set it out now). I'm so tired, but my mind is bored. I'm thinking about all the things I want to write. Started to add to my story for the writing camp coming up since I'm finally feeling inspiration again, but had to stop typing because I was...you guessed it! Too tired (to hold my arms up).

Plus what doesn't help is this neck ache that I woke up with, but forgot to mention all day.

Oh, I didn't even finish that thought! So I want to cry (another reason because I'm frustrated with my marriage and very stressed there, plus the doctor app being canceled) but I can't make tears! Like it feels like that overwhelmed feeling you get right before you vomit, but you only dry heave. Well, it's like that, only I dry cry...sorta...only I don't get the relief after...

So I guess I'm also irritable, but it's not as bad as earlier. Oh but I still feel angry at my husband when I think of his complaining tonight. Something about the mess in the kitchen. I had just worked out, I was too tired to even finish with the yoga/stretch I usually do after and this just tightened back up all my muscles that the exercise was helping. Again, I can calm it down again, but then it sparks up again. It's as if my brain is saying, "oh! You wanna relax? Well too damn bad for you! Haha!" Evil brain...

Ok, that's probably enough. I don't wanna bother anyone. I just wanted you to know what I'm going through right now, whatever it may be called. It's not fun. :/

I'm also feeling heartache when I think about that thing and I'm laying in bed, twirling my hair to self soothe. I don't know what else to do! :(

This is your thread/blog/journal musings writings what ever you want to write.
you are not bothering anybody.
I hope you are able to sleep tonight!!!!!
I thought that I was going to get klonipin but I was wrong!
grrrr....
bizi

I just was coming back to say that I think writing it down helped. Not sure if it would have been the same without an audience, but I could try that next time maybe. Anyway, twirling had stopped...hopefully I don't start up again now that I mentioned it though hehe

And thanks Bizi! Sorry about your frustrations but i hope you have a good one!! Hugs

Posted in the support thread but just for my record and if folks only see this, here we go again...

Ok, I think this might be the beginning of a hypomanic episode. Slept 2 hours maybe and have been up since. This sucks! And couldn't come at a worse time when no doctors or pdoc are seeing anyone right now. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks!

can you try drinking chamomille(sp) tea? can you listen to your favorite music?
can you do yoga or try to meditate? I also put the covers over my head. also bathing can be relaxing.
the best
bobby
also essential oils in diffuser like lavender or rose

thank you for all of the suggestions, bobby! I will try some or maybe even all of those. Actually, I showered just now. I've got my blanket in the laundry going, but will use hubby's if I get sleepy...but i had to eat so now i might have to wait a bit before sleep anyway (again, if possible). someone else had suggested magnesium glycinate (well, they said biglycinate, but i'm wondering if that's a typo because I have glycinate). Going to try this. It used to help calm me after workouts but i stopped taking it regularly.

Ok, before I forget, so I apparently forgot my Clonazepam yesterday. Could've contributed to some of this, however, I've forgotten it before and I haven't lost sleep over it (metaphorically and physically speaking)...at least I think...maybe I did lose sleep, in which case, this again is just to prevent this mini crisis from escalating. I still feel different this time. I feel as I did over 2 years ago and not since, so I'm really thinking it's hypomania this time.

That little admission was a clip from the message I just sent my GP. So he'll now be aware of this too. umm...

oh yes! So, no, I didn't ever get back to sleep since my last post, but I did manage to relax. Oddly what helped me was thinking of sad things...but then I thought of comforting things. I was ruminating over exciting things before that and that was NOT working. Anyway, just thought I'd note that in case this happens again. Sigh! Oh, and I'll likely just be lurking today if I'm online much at all, fyi. Ok, thanks for reading and listening folks!

:grouphug:

Gee, you are going to work.through your things. It just takes time. Go by trying to take one thing at a time

tried the lavendar/chamomille scented infuser (diffuser?) and was able to sleep an hour, check laundry, and then sleep another hour. I'm not sure how much I should allow myself to nap though because I need to be tired to sleep at night, right?
I also messaged my doctor and he wants to see me via an online visit on Friday about my moods. Send me good thoughts that I'm able to explain myself well enough and cover every question and concern I have these days. thanks!

Good vibes coming to you. We are hear to help if we can. Just keep talking as much as you need

Just a quick update

Well, last night I got more sleep, but it was still difficult. I woke up a few times and took a little while to settle back down again because of the racing obsessive thoughts. But still slept and dreamt and everything. So still noteworthy, but doing better.

Edit important for me to note and remember. I used the lav/cam diffuser last night AND took a magnesium glycinate tablet (not biglycinate as apparently there is a difference). Also, I slept from about 2am to 12:20pm. I do keep record of my sleep and wake times in my private journal, but I don't always take all of these notes, so hopefully I'll get better with that though, but it's here should I need it. :)

So today I was feeling the euphoria again. It was a beautiful day! Nice and toasty in the porch room, but i was all dressed in my sweats, so I took my excitable walk outside and did my walk there today. (20minutes maybe. a little short, but i had to get to work)
Yeah, I was twirling my hair and basking in the sun and the memories of the pleasant night I had giggling with my hubby watching the movie the night before...

and all that ended now as I burnt the dinner veggies...they were still edible, but he was mad because I was online whilst cooking them and he keeps blaming it as a distraction and yelled "get off that internet"...so I might just have to do that if he persists...

sigh!

edit:
oh but wait! I'm starting to jot down writing ideas for this writing challenge I'm doing next month. there's a group that I chat with for support and encouragement during the process and I'm in charge of it (well, the heavy lifting is done now, but I still like to be the primary cheerleader). Anyhoo...just trying to think of things I can do offline. sigh! but writing hurts my hand and I can't possibly keep up with the thoughts in my head... I need a typewriter! lol

i was just doing yoga and now I'm feeling this overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry. I don't even know that I'm sad, it's just welling up in my heart and head. :/ Maybe I am sad. Maybe I'm just tired. I'm not sleepy though, but physically a little tired. um...the stretching feels good though...i think maybe i'm sad that it can't last forever?? ...I'm also sad that I might have to cut back more of my internet time...but I don't even know where to begin, because I don't want to!!! :( *super sad tears

edit: I started documenting my hypomanic phase on Monday, but it's possible I was already starting it sooner (erm, except that Sunday I was really depressed-like...or but I just read that you could be depressed and still have energy...I was napping all day, but that's mostly because I just wanted to shut out the world...and I was feeling better last week and stuff)...I guess I'm just wondering if I'm still in it, and did I start it sooner, and/or if I'm dipping...guess it's a little early to tell since I could just be tired from the time of night.
Thanks!

hi G,
it is good to write stuff down. I am going to start a journal...have been taking notes in a calendar planner. I will document meals meds so that doesn't happen again, where I accidentally took double meds.
Good for you for writing challenge!
I hope you enjoy it!
we are here in this together!
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Thanks Bizi! I hope I can work it all out. I fear I messed up again last night, oh but I do enjoy my talks with this one friend I see at night. Maybe it will be better though if we can now get more time during the day as we now can do that...but yeah, stayed up till 2am again and...

Rough sleep again. Woke up and was awake for awhile again. Not sure for how long as I didnt check the clock and i did sleep some more...i think...but when hubby alarm went off and he snoozed for an hour, well my cortisol was up and I almost just got out of bed. Then I remembered my headphones as ear buds and now just slept another...2hrs? Gotta get up now though to prep for lunch because I'll be making that early today and a separate dinner to prep too. I just didn't want to eat the same thing twice and this may help me for Friday...also since my televisit with the GP is then. (Oh wish me well for that! I'm a lot nervous actually) That's all for now!

Well, I haven't heard from that friend all day...so I don't know how this is gonna go...but as for next month, when I'm on Gmail more, I'll be able to chat there while still working on my writing.

Uhhh, yeah, hubby's peeved that I spend so much time online...that I wake up online and go to bed right after being online. I told him, "what would you rather me do, work and be miserable all day??" I mean, this is my hobby! He still thinks I just waste time on here. Whatever! My appointment is tomorrow and while we will be discussing my moods, I'm going to try to emphasize that hubby contributes a lot to them and that I'm online working on ways to make me feel happier in life! Anyway, not much to report today. I managed to cook two meals so I'm set for lunches for tomorrow afternoon so I can focus on my appointment (at 1pm). Then I had to nap. Hubby's upset that I haven't swept the house all week. I honestly can't remember when I did it last, but I've been hypomanic for cripes sake!! And preparing and arranging for this doctor's appointment. (he just does not comprehend how much I have to juggle with meds and all this stuff). Sigh!

Hubby is in charge of my meds and now driving has been taken away.
sigh
bizi

I don't get it. What do you mean about not driving? I am so worried.
love
bobby

Writing is the pits for sure with pencil and paper. I don't have an idea there.

Keep up the good work. It's been raining here so going walking not much an option.
Donna

GP appointment went well. I've a new prescription, gabapentin to support sleep and to be an alternative for the Clonazepam (which was for my anxiety). I didn't sound hypomanic to him even with everything I described. It's fine by me though. That means I get to enjoy these nice feelings and not gain weight on antipsychotics. Obviously this will continue to be monitored, but since I don't seem to be reckless, I seem to be doing fine. I am highly advised to get that strict bedtime though, 12:30-1am is fine, but that will mean I'll need to settle sooner. I also asked about a gas remedy (been burping regularly every night) and was suggested some digest gold from Amazon and/or ACV. Think that's the summary! Oh, and I slept great last night 1amish to 9amish. I feel great! ...ok, I feel good, not "high" like the other day, ahh but the day is still young. lol ;)
Thanks everyone for reading AND listening and helping me through my journey. Much love!

Just sent this note to my doctor.

"Sigh!
Ok, so maybe things aren't as great between me and H as I let on. Later tonight he was a little bummed he couldn't tell you how I've been online a lot still. This is apparently a problem for him, but he doesn't see the whole picture. I mean, I'm working, I'm doing more for my part. This is my down time /my free time. Can't I choose how I spend it? He wanted me to make him a snack tonight because I hadn't made him cookies yet. I was in the middle of cleaning, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. Not that I exactly even had the chance to say no. I was going to do it anyway, but it was interrupting me from finishing my chore and digging into my workout time. It's just that I'm really starting to get this feeling like he truly wants me to be like some Stepford Wife or something, that my happiness comes second to his needs AND wants. I would have confronted him about this, but I wasn't exactly sure I was using the term correctly. Turns out it's exactly how I feel! I wanted to bring this up today originally, that once he even said that "3 hours isn't enough. even 6 hours wouldn't be enough" of me working for him. He doesn't even account for all the times I serve and bring him food and water, make his breakfasts, and obviously the time for cooking ...and the number of other things I'm forgetting about with giving him attention.
I try to be as positive and optimistic as possible, but fact is he hurts me by what he says to me on a regular basis. And I was actually kinda hoping that you might encourage us to seek couple's counseling. I'm sure if he gets a chance, he will tell you I'm "internet addicted". I don't think I have a problem, and when I do feel it becoming a problem, I cut back. But the fact is, I don't have much else I enjoy doing...and everything is online these days...and we are in extreme circumstances lately. The damn frustration right now is that I was just getting exciting about this writing camp challenge, but of course I need to type on the computer to count my words more easily (and write faster). I was kinda half joking with my friends that I really need a typewriter. I just don't know what he expects me to do if I can't do all the things I need to do because they require the internet...other than the "stepford wife" stuff, because it's not like he's available or wants to do anything I enjoy with me. I'm just really upset about this. I NEED him off my back about this!
Thanks for reading."

re: G's thread
 

I'm so sorry, G! Hugs to you! :grouphug: :hug:

Hi,

Good luck with the Gabapentin. :)
It helps me a little.


M

can you type a letter to your husband and flatter him and tell him how much you love him and how he has so many wonderful qualities but he is in the dark about suffering from mental illness. Can you tell him it is a real feat to find some happiness in doing something and he should be happy for you. He has no idea of
depression and of mental illnesses bipolar has the most suicides.
fondly
bobby