You are right on the spot bobby!!!!!!
Gee, really read this and get a planner that will use to write down your schedule. so you can show it to him.
And, You can draw up a contract with him....I think this is abuse and I would not stand up for that.
and you shouldn't either.
Even though you are new to our family you fit right in.
love you too.
bizi

by the time i actually get here to the PC, I'm too exhausted to remember what i wanted to say. ugh! (just write out another response...ok, I'm back! :P )

Soo...well I did read the comments here this morning, but unfortunately I didn't have time to implement them. Things move fast here. After I read the messages, I just sat in my bed and started crying. i usually don't do this when hubby's home, but he's not going anywhere soon so I just went for it. I actually cried tears. That was the good part. Then, what I thought could be another good part was hubby asking me what's wrong in a gentle tone and worried that i was struggling to sleep because he kept me up all night with his tossing and turning (which he did), but I just couldn't respond. I was too angry and didn't want to get in a fight while I was too tired to think straight and so emotional...but of course he pressed. When I still didn't answer is when his tone changed and he said "are you just going to ruin my weekend then?". What an ***! So I finally said "I'm angry at you, but i don't wanna talk about it while I'm all emotional". He pressed with something else and I felt I needed to be a little more clear so he knew what exactly I was mad about (oh, i think he thought i was mad about something else). So I told him it was about the internet thing. He basically turned it around on me and brought up the other day when I burnt food whilst on the computer. I said "that's just one little tiny blip!" (and tried to get out that he does this criticism all the time). "and it was not the internet distracting me, it was my eating chicken". I should apologize for the mistake of trying to cook while I was eating and resting...but he's so damn arrogant ...and it's again, turning the table of fault on me, when this issue is him! Oh, and he had the audacity to say that the issue of the internet addiction was my issue. Like, why am I mad at him if I have the problem with control. omfg! ...i can't...i mean, is there anything else relevant to this story??? fact is, it's just upsetting me more talking about it. I was originally going to simply post that there are so many things I could say (like this f'n casserole I now have to make, because he couldn't read the f'n label on the can and blamed me for placing it next to the tomato soup. omfg! where the hell else am I supposed to put a can...cans all go together, right? use your damn eyes and stop f'n blaming me for YOUR mistakes...and then causing me extra work/stress and...and on and on and on).

I hear you guys and I appreciate you trying to help, and I'd be willing to try some things, but my history of trying things hasn't really been good because he's just so damn stubborn! Sad fact is, this is a better living environment that when I was living with my Dad (although they are getting more and more similiar),...but I have no skills or experience...I couldn't live on my own if I wanted to! And I don't want to. We do have our good times...the worst part is the romantic life. He gets me so emotionally upset that I can't get into the mood when we actually have the time to be intimate. So here I am left frustrated in another regard...and of course it's always my fault. "YOUR moods! YOUR periods! YOUR stomachaches". Does he EVER take responsibility for his part? He claims he does and that he admits when he's wrong. There have been a few times I've seen this, but it's very far and few between.

I was going to try to take an internet break today and tomorrow, but clearly I need someone to hear me right now. I'm so bleh! But I have cut back. I'm thinking of not going on another forum today (of course I feel guilty about not talking to someone there who's kinda desparate for a friend at the moment), and I'm here on my "lunch break". Is this what it's coming to?? I have to come here on my "lunch break" as if this is an actual f'n job?! Thing is, and of course my hubby will never recognize this, a wife's job doesn't end at 5pm or closing time. It still goes on even through the night in some cases. I'm just so tired :/

But I do want to say that I feel so touched to be considered part of the family/that I belong here. I don't know if anyone's ever really said that to me, explicitly,...maybe with the exception of me kinda pushing for that, but not like this out of the blue statement you made, Bizi (with others' thoughts behind it I assume). I just feel so special. I wish that we knew each other in real life or that I didn't have this fear that I might get cut from the internet, for whatever reason, and not see you guys again or for awhile...I really don't believe it will go that far, but if hubby starts acting more like my dad, he might just shut off the internet one day. (dad used to do this with electricity). I mean, comeon! How damn immature is that?! ...alright, alright. I am calming down now. Don't want to get into **** again. Just trying to get by and do the best I can, take deep breathes, I got outside for a minute (fresh air), and taking full advantage of hubby being away at the store right now. So yeah. *exhales It's hard, but it's gotta get better, right?! It has to-that's all that's getting me by...and of course the support from all of my friends like you guys.

So many hugs!!!! <3

you are so special!
fondly
bobby

Ok, guess I just gotta do this and share what I wrote to another friend just now who's going through this exact same stuff. I cut out the intro where I told her I'm glad not to be alone, but I'm also sad that she's going through this too because it sucks! :( oh, and add 40 m8nutes and counting to my internet time.


I'm so tired of the stress. I just baked cookies and made a green bean casserole from scratch (well I cut and boiled the beans). 90minutes And that was after mopping and doing dishes AND preparing meat for dinner (at least 2+ hours there) before that! (Well, i had my mini break for lunch in between) But So I just want a little rest. Hubby says, "fine! Don't cook! I don't care. Just don't talk (complain or ask favors)" Rather than having a little sympathy for me, he gets whiney like that because he's "hungry". "Make it yourself then!" I said. He taught me how to do it afterall, and it's not that f'n hard. But he'd rather pout. Whatever! Like I said, I'm tired! And I'll probably end up doing it soon enough anyway cuz then I'll be hungry. He's such a baby sometimes!

I was actually gonna say I'm too tired to write much, but I guess that ain't too much and that little bit says a lot. I didn't even get to the part where I tell you that I've hardly been online all day, maybe 40 or 50 minutes tops. He's going on his third hour of the day, just saying. But yeah, I might not even get to the forums today. I can't decide. I wanted to take a weekend break and shut him up saying, see! I'm not addicted! ...i even started some writing today, but on paper when I'd rather type to save time both with word counting and cause it's faster...so I might either do that tonight or stop by the forum (MHF is really the one I'm mostly using these days as I've already cut back on so much internet use) and that is usually pretty quite about now so, could be good. Heh! I might actually copy and post most of this message and put it in my journal!...but I've already got one outlet for this, in addition to you, and I'm not sure I'm really up for stirring up more drama around this...but at the same time, they are my friends too. I dunno. Will think on it.

I wish we could do counseling and he'd go without a fight. I have to likely wait until Monday or even Tuesday to hear back from my doc. Plus, it would suck if he just says, yea go for it and I'm still stuck with having to tell my hubby. :/ Maybe it's best I not think of it until then...then again, someone might just have some good advice for me.

G's thread
 

G, I'm so sorry. I feel sad about the way things are. It's painful. I understand. And especially because, like has been said, you are so special, so it hurts even more. I said a prayer about it. I hope that's ok. Lots of hugs & love to you!!

Thank you for saying this and welcome to the forums!
(((((HUGS))))
bizi


Gee, I will read your posts today later this evening..I have to go fold 2 baskets full of laundry!
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

I read your blog/post/ journal. thread....:)

I am very tired, did not sleep much last night maybe 5 hours.
Are you and your hubby keeping track of your phone and computer usage?

I talk less about my addictions because they are not bothering me at this moment.
no alcohol in over a month, don't even think about it or miss it.

all my fingers look great, no picking taking NAC Amino acids 1200mg 2xdaily.
Lost over 5 pounds in 2 weeks. messed up dinner tonight, over ate.
internet seems to be my problem too.


Be strong use an egg timer. I go here out of procrastination and boredom.


I need to start cleaning my kitchen.
The floors are disgusting!
I am very tired.

tomorrow; I will make some lists of things that need to get done/cleaned around the house.

I can't believe I let the house get this bad!
Shakes head in shame!


bizi.

So I probably didn't do the most mature thing, but here's what just transpired. Hubby did ask if I wanted to do stuff now, to which I responded, "do you think you deserve it? I mean, you've been acting pretty mean to me lately" to which he replied something like "oh stop being dramatic! Anyway, what's the problem? You were fine until a couple yesterday! Probably something the doctor said". I told him no. That it was him (once again, repeating myself here). Somehow I got to this statement, "I made you cookies and casserole, what are you gonna do for me?" To which he just huffed and said "fine. Nevermind. Just leave me alone tonight".

I just don't know what to do! I mean, like I said, maybe I'm being childish too...it's just so hard to talk to him rationally....but now what happens when I get desperate for you know what?? It's just a whole mess! :/

----------

Ok, now I will read and respond to Bizi

Well, I'm keeping track. He likely can't be bothered to track so specifically.
I was doing fine with picking until right before coming here. They don't necessarily look bad, although that's just one opinion, but there are jagged edges and a couple raw cuticles. I hope this isn't triggering.

I'm coming online out of boredom too...and obviously for journaling and support and chatting with a few folks....and I was on earlier looking at videos...i have the time to workout tonight, but I'm not feeling that great and honestly feel like snoozing for a bit. Thought about writing in my notebook, but I think now my fingers are too sore! Oops!
I'm tempted to check my email again to see if my friends wrote back, but they hadn't last I checked and I think, if anything, this checking would be the addictive or compulsive part. So I'm here instead, but I'm thinking I'm gonna lie down...but I also even thought of going back on PC because I'm THAT bored, but I told my friend that I'm going off there indefinitely now, so it would look bad if I went. Plus, I should rest from internet that's not productive.

It's been 3hours and counting of online time for me today (hubby is at about 1hr and 45 minutes). This is relatively good. I'm down from the 3hours in the morning to 3 hrs a day (ok, not quite that drastic, but my guesstimate is a total of 7.5 to 8hrs to now which is maybe 5 hours tops.)

But hubby biggest issue is that I'm online while cooking. It's torture, but I stayed off today.

Had set up an appointment for the three of us, hubby, me and doctor, but Hubby refuses to go and talk about my issue with him. Sigh! So I suggested that maybe I need to do individual therapy to cope, if I'm apparently the one with the problem. I don't know if he heard me though.

Ugh! My stomach aches! I think it's pms. Sucks!

Oh, I got to facechat with my sister and nephew. It was so fun. I love that little guy and sis ain't too bad either. Ha! I love her of course! We joke around though because she's "Dad's favorite" :P We actually made plans to do it again soon, tomorrow even, because nephew wanted to. So sweet! We hardly get to see him and sis has taught him well to love us strangers anyway. It feel so great to have a child actually love you being around! :)

G's thread
 

I'm so glad you had a nice time with your nephew & sis. :grouphug: :hug: :circlelove:

Gee, If he refuses to go for now. Go ahead and do an individual therapy session. Just tell hubby it was originally to help the situation so you both could work on the problems. So since he believes it's all you. Your going to.Go.Have some sessions to.see if the doctor can help you figure out how to.help you work.it out.


I'm proud of you. And Love that you faceted with.sis and nephew

Donna- So even if it's with my GP? or should I try to find a therapist and go? Btw folks, i did message my GP with how hubby reacted about all this, so maybe he'll have a suggestion too.

Funny thing (well, not so much haha but I think hubby might be getting desperate now) he had a sincere and calm chat with me tonight about some things...actually I'm not even sure if much of it was related to this specific issue, but he wanted to calm down and cuddle with me and talk about sweet things. Gosh! It's weird how I'm struggling to remember all the specifics right now...and that idea that he might just be getting desperate just hit me now... I know we talked a lot about my conversation with my sis throughout the night...well, i kept mentioning things, but he seemed to enjoy them too. We talked about our intimate feelings and needs and he seemed genuinely interested in helping fulfil my needs but he seems scared to try. Says he wants to but can't kind of things...i guess this started off as a convo about how he thinks I've changed. I told him that I haven't really changed, I'm just not as shy anymore about being myself and saying what I need and want. I don't know what all this means now, honestly, but it was a super comfortable and relaxing cuddle. I actually fell asleep in his arms. (((Awe))) :P

that is so wonderful! so wonderful. how old is your nephew?
fondly
bobby

G's thread
 

I'm glad for you, G! :) Sounds like progress!

Gee,

I think going ahead and seeing your regular doctor alone this time is fine. You can ask for a referral at the end to an therapist and. Thank him her for listening and being there for you when you needed to talk. When I first needed to have someone listen about my SOns issues even though their pediatrician did. My own doctor would ask how everything was going at home. Sometimes when things were all breaking at once I would tell her the problems. She once asked me if I had anxiety and would like medicine for it.

It's honestly how I started getting my first med help for my anxiety. I was working to find groups on my own. But she also

Gee,

I think going ahead and seeing your regular doctor alone this time is fine. You can ask for a referral at the end to an therapist and. Thank him her for listening and being there for you when you needed to talk. When I first needed to have someone listen about my SOns issues even though their pediatrician did. My own doctor would ask how everything was going at home. Sometimes when things were all breaking at once I would tell her the problems. She once asked me if I had anxiety and would like medicine for it.

It's honestly how I started getting my first med help for my anxiety. I was working to find groups on my own. But she also keep asking to make sure I was ok

Thanks folks! But I'm still skeptical about his intentions...I mean, I know he loves me, but I think he's really afraid to have outside support. I dunno. :/

Donna (and everyone)-Doctor replied to me this morning. Says he supports me seeking talk therapy and psychiatry. He didn't say anything about our current appointment. I'm assuming he doesn't really have much more to say about it (??) I was kinda hoping he might even message my husband, but I suppose he doesn't have the time for that kind of thing and it might not really be professional (??) I can still ask him for recommendations, although he did say "close to home". I'm not too confident about finding someone local though, but it sounds like I'm going to have to do some research...that is if hubby even is willing to pay for any of this, which I have some serious doubts. Like I said, I'm a little concerned he's being "nice" so that I don't feel I need to get outside help. Ya know? So, I'm a little anxious again. I know I'm going to need to have another talk with him sooner or later, but maybe I ought to have a more solid plan before that happens. If for some reason he doesn't pay for these services, would you folks still "be here" for me?? I'm worried that you'll get frustrated with me because I can't do everything that's been suggested. (this has actually happened with another community and I'm really kinda sad that that happened and that they don't really understand how to support me or console me. :( I may have also just acted out as a result of my frustrations in not being able to fix that either. I'm feeling twice as bad-bad because they don't know how to help and bad because I was reduced to acting petty and perhaps, passive aggressive. I'm just so frustrated and tired and they don't seem to understand that I'm already feeling these intense feelings because of my relationship and circumstances at home. Hubby has also just recently lost his bonus and we have to watch our spending again because of this dreaded CV. This seriously couldn't have come at a worse time...well, I'm afraid of that and afraid I'm going to lose everything...or "everything" ...again. ugh!!! I should be more grateful!...on that note...my cute little adorable nephew... ;) )

bobby-my nephew is about 3, i think. ;)

I wish I knew the answer to all this, G! The CV has compounded the problem. But you still have the forums, & you know a number of us who care, whom you can get support from, at least. And maybe sometimes we can help. So try to hang in there & have faith that things will get better in time. God bless you, dear friend! :grouphug: :hug: :circlelove:

Gee,

I can't speak for anyone else but as long as you are just looking for some honest help which is what you have done so far. I'm pretty sure we will be here. I know that I can. I'm not honestly sure if there would be some of your problems that might trigger someone to have an bad memory, that I believe would be when someone couldn't continue to try and help.

Now I'm going to also suggest you might benefit from just also having a group to talk to. So I'm going to suggest you look into whether there is an Nami support group close to you. Now this is

The National association ofMental health.

But I think.Just going and listening, then talking when your comfortable would help a lot.

Keep coming and talking
Donna

I haven't been here much but I'm here now, kind of :grouphug:

GeeLuv,

Stay hopeful.

I send good energy.




M

that is great
bobby

Pink kitty

You being here now is great. Being here when you want and can be is fine. At times we all take a break whether planned or not. We do ask just so.that we don't worry that you let us know if it's going to be extended leave

I actually could probably think of plenty to journal about, but I'm like just feeling really tired and maybe a little low even lately. It's pms, but also the income loss (did I tell you guys he also got a pay cut in addition to losing the bonus and raise?!), and of course this sneaking suspicion that he's trying to be nice to me lately so I don't push for therapy (couples therapy or maybe both idk). But yeah, so just blah lately. Not to mention, I keep dreaming about kitties and babies and I miss all of those right now due to the social distancing. :/ oh, and my binging and lack of desire to exercise and the added result of not being able to sleep earlier because I sleep in later. I'm back to being a mess! But hey! At least I'm getting my word counts in for the writing camp!!...so far. :P

I'm so sorry about the way things are for you right now, G! And dreaming about kitties & babies. If it weren't for the pandemic, I would suggest becoming a volunteer for a few hours a week helping at a charity for animals or children. Oh well, you have too much to do already anyway. Things will get better! I hope it's sooner than we think. Wishing you the best, G! :hug: :circlelove:

Yeah WL, I am pretty busy...but part of that is because hubby's working from home. I guess another part is my writing camp this month and then next month is busy too...lol yeah just craziness! But it's a lot more to do with my mentality. I also have a bit of an aversion to driving myself, so like getting to places is an issue as well...and well, even the jobs themselves, while they seem great in theory, I tend to seem to find something uncomfortable about them. Like, I actually started volunteer work at the local nursing home. I love the idea of bringing some joy into the lives of these folks, but I was so SO nervous about following all the hospital rules and documenting things correctly and concisely and managing the right amount of time with each person and just knowing what to say to them...I really just got inside my own head and frankly I quit before I even started really! I mean, I did the group meal service in the dining hall for a few weeks, but when it came to one on ones...although I did also get sick at the time too...yeah it was just complicated...and my terrible pms every month also complicates things. ugh! but onto better thoughts! :D

I forgot to mention yesterday that I was going to start Gabapentin in the night. Well, here's how it went.


Well, I tried the Gabapentin last night and while it still took me a minute to fall asleep initially (got in bed at 12:45am, but didn't fall asleep until after 1:15am), it did help me stay sleepy and relaxed throughout the night...although I did have earbuds in as well for the first half of the night, but I don't think that mattered as I slept well after...and now I'm up and awake since 10:30am and feeling, well, better! So, yea...oh and no side effects (i think. i hope)
Now just to see how it will work for my anxiety. I'll be slowly tapering off of the Clonazepam now too.

Ugh! I'm actually not doing so good with this being offline stuff. I'm just so bored!!!

Gee

Find something to do instead. Can't tell what don't know, Let us know what you found

I'm not so sure if it's a result of the Gabapentin or if I was just too anxious to get back to writing my story (I didn't get to write any words yesterday). But the fact is that I kept waking up feeling it was time to wake up, but it wasn't. First it was around 7:30a and then again at 8:30am. At 8:30 I just got up. I figured I could take a nap later if I needed it...at least I hope I'll be able to do so and without guilt. I did get in half of my daily words goal for today already, so that's a good start!
Oh, but so I guess the Gabapentin was/is working to reduce my need for excess sleep (??)...actually, come to think of it, I still required a nap yesterday for like an hour...I don't know. And it's probably too soon to tell how this works for anxiety since I've only started half doses of Clonazepam yesterday. (is that too drastic of a "taper"? It was GP's recommendation.) And finally, I believe I forgot to mention this part of it before. The Gabapentin is supposed to help with my OCD tics...but it doesn't seem to be making a difference at all right now. I was picking at my fingernails again last night, with the nagging annoyed feeling when I tried stopping, so I just had to finish "fixing" until it was good enough. Sigh! I dunno! Perhaps it just takes some time until this med starts working fully.


Donna-ok, so after I logged out/read this message, I did the following.

<5minutes -looked for my colored pencils and found them
45minutes-colored in my Mandala coloring book while sitting in the porch room sun (was actually relaxing, but eventually my hand was getting tired and so was my attention).
30minutes-reading this book of Reader's Digest works from the 70s. I already forget the title of this story, but it's interesting enough! (still in porch room sun)
-then I needed to eat lunch (?) so did that.
It was nearing 6pm around then, I believe, so I still had too much time to kill...but I was also very tired. Hubby and I went into the bed to watch tv. Maid in Manhattan was on. He was bored with it, of course, but cuddled with me for a little bit. Then he went to shower and I actually fell asleep. When I woke up, I
25 minutes-washed dishes then
40ish minutes-cooked rice while watching an episode of House with hubby (on the computer) ;)

Then I couldn't take it anymore and went on the tablet. I actually had to write a message to someone that took some time and concentration...actually, I spent some time handwriting it out first so as to limit screentime, but then I had to type it up and send it.

By then it was about bedtime, so I got up, took my meds and walked around a little bit to get some bloodflow and help relax before bed. I was getting very sleepy. I crawled into bed at 1am...but then that's when the picking started. (argh!) Luckily it wasn't for too long though and then I went to sleep.

Sorry for the long description. I'm just trying to be helpful, but maybe this was just annoying. Bleh! I'm too tired to care right now (seriously sorry about that fact!)

gabapentin didn't help me at all. I hope it helps you.
fondly
bobby

Gee

Sounds like your day went.pretty well. Just keep it up.

Donna

yeah, I'm still "failing"...but I think part of it is because of the extra time I spend writing. I mean that it just tempts me to want to look at other things while here...except that really I have been pretty focused on the writing except for tonight.

at least I was able to video chat with my sister in law and her sons this time today. That was fun!

And now I'm gonna try to go work out. Been a long time needed!

Sigh! Here I am at ten to 8am already online (well, it's been over 40 minutes now). The thing of it is, I go to this for videos and reading as well, since I don't have easy access to a library/have a library card and I also don't have a DVD player in my bedroom...but the most key aspect that I remembered this morning was that even if I did have a library full of books, I don't have a reading lamp. Hubby actually refused to install one when we first moved in here nearly 10 years ago. I used to always have a reading lamp and would often fall asleep reading, even during the late afternoons and early evenings while studying school books, unfortunately. But the point is, I use my tablet because of the light. The main light in here is not so good for reading. Plus, I'm interested in so many different articles that can only be found online. But back to the lamp. If I want a lamp, I have to go out into the cold living room and lay on the couch there. Well, I don't want to have to get up and reaclimatize myself to the bed/bedroom temperature. I'd rather just fall asleep right after reading.

Yes, I'm quite possibly just making excuses for what is an addiction, but what else can I do?! I mean, sometimes I just can't compromise! I think I might have to revisit this lamp idea...maybe after the "thing" stuff though.

Oh! But the other reason I'm up so "early" is because I went to bed at 11pm. Well, of course I didn't sleep until after midnight, but that's at least an hour earlier, actually about 2 hours earlier than I usually sleep... I'm almost positive I will need a nap later though. I might have even fallen back asleep just now had I not begun to feel hungry.

Have a good one all!

They making the little lights for reading maybe look into one of those too. I don't know if you can find an way to install the reading lamp yourself.

Donna

i have one I bought from amazon ..it clips on the book.
fondly
bobby

Omg! I fell asleep right after signing off before I even ate. (I had very intention to go eat at the time because i was very hungry) Wth! Now it's already B&B time.
Seems the more I think about quitting the internet the harder it is to stay off! :( (maybe this is withdrawal from Clonazepam?? )

Donna-i dunno at this point. Because there isn't a lot of room, on the floor or on my "nightstand". I need another drawer for all my meds and supplements I take first thing in the morning/before bed because right now they take up the top of the stand. And I thought about a standing one with the curved neck, but again, no room for it really. I was thinking of something mounted on the wall behind the bed, but I'm not good at stuff like that and maybe those are expensive lights?? And they aren't plug-ins? Maybe? So I'm definitely not good at wiring and I'm not even sure this house is set up properly for that. I understand we have poor wiring in this house from my Dad's electrical expertise, but he tends to mess things up in our house when hubby wants things a certain way (and I agree that it's our house, not my Dad's. Dad tends to tell us how we "should" do things. Smh omg, does that sound familiar?? -Hubby is now doing this if you recall/if I clearly said this before) Anyway, so yea, I'm not sure if the ideal wall mount would work. Sorry for this long explanation. I get accused of "making excuses before attempts" (yea that one is hubby), but as you can maybe see, I DO actually try and I really am just faced with too many obstacles. Argh! That's why I just sit around and "cope" online as well. Sigh!!!
Thanks for trying folks! And I hope I don't discourage anyone because maybe someday there will be solutions! Hugs!

I was also.talking about one like Bobby said a clip on one

Donna

omg! I missed your post last time I was on Bobby! Sorry! But I did see it offline...

and, sorry Donna, I didn't realize that's what you meant too. I don't know why I didn't remember those things, but anyway, I went ahead and bought one tonight from Amazon (needed some other stuff there anyway), so let's see how this works! ...oh, but hopefully I'll be able to get batteries for it because it doesn't come with any. Hope hubby can pick some up soon!
Ok, well goodnight!

Not feeling so happy tonight. :(

I think most people are really depressed from the virus. It is so terrifying.
fondly
bobby