Still waiting for it to be less pandemic friendly before I experiment with meds...

Unfortunately, today I come with another issue. I'm internet addicted again, specifically social media/Twitter in my case. I find myself needing to check in first thing every morning and last thing b4 bed. Checking in with friends is one thing, but there is just waaay too much info to get sucked in to there.
And the problem is, it's not just habit. There's an emotional attachment. I don't do it, I get depressed, and yet I do it now, and feel somewhat guilty that I can't control myself/lose time.

I do, however, HAVE to pride myself on sleeping earlier last night. Still not ideal by others standards or even mine (cuz I wanted to do it the day b4 to go even earlier last night, but didn't ), but it IS an improvement. And I know me. I MUST celebrate even the smallest improvements.

That said, I'm at war in my own head. I can't get down on myself, but I have also noticed that due to that (and maybe in addition to the meds), I'm like allowing myself more indulgences. Like telling myself, "it's ok" or "just this once"... I can't think of a more specific example, but it really sucks that this is so hard!! And I find myself sleeping/being totally exhausted by the never ending fights! 😢

So, I dunno! I'm sad today.

ARe you fighting with hubby?
bizi

I would suggest instead of waiting for the pananamic to go away you go
ahead and start getting ready for the medicine. If nothing else you locate
a doctor to get the prescriptions from.

I think your going to need to be ready to start.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

I know what you are going thru though I don't fight with my hubby.
I usually get off the net around 11pm but have to get on there first thing in the morning if I have time. I can read and post quite a bit if I am being efficient.I can scroll thru my favorites forums and post if I am quick a lot in ten minutes. Hubby is going camping this weekend. I will be on line a lot.
I already know that I am working friday and saturday. so there is that he leaves friday afternoon and gets home sunday. some time my guess late afternoon. maybe later.
bizi

Hi!

Before i forget, just wanted to say that. I'm struggling with what to say/where to even begin when i think about visiting here. I'm stressed and my mind is in 10 different places at a time. Theres so much i want to do and not enough time in the day!

And then i get distracted on top of it all, losing even more time. :'(

I still need to schedule my doctor appointment (for these mental health concerns, but also for refills on my thyroid meds and just basic followup). I actually spoke to Donna yesterday and said ive been scared/distracted/putting off making the call, but i know i NEED to. So, hopefully tomorrow. But i also have a dentist appointment (cleaning) this Wednesday and im half nervous about this because last time, i was recommended i check in with a specialist about my wisdom teeth (yea, i still have them at almost 40yrs. And they are beginning to breach the gumline. Luckily no pain, yet, but still concerning). And i havent done that yet. Mostly cuz H told me to wait until the new year/Covid clears up some. Well...yeah. idk

So that is that! On top of all that, I'm also overdue for a gynecological checkup. Been putting that off, because i hate the travel required to get there.

If you can't tell, i have some mild anxiety about setting up and getting to all of these things. And being on lockdown/"lockdown" for a year has really gotten me out of practice...oh, and i get flipping nervous making calls in front of H. Most of the time he's too busy working, but then i also dont want to make noise and distract him. *facepalms*

Bizi,

I wouldn't say im actively fighting with h. It's more or less him making snarky remarks about how i need to fix myself or gets frustrated and claims I'll never change. Like he'll tell me all these things i SHOULD do for days and then out of the blue, when it finally sinks in, he'll be like "oh you'll never change". As if that's any confidence! So i get depressed and the situation worsens... although, i did say that i have to pump myself up and i do that. I do keep trying, but you know, there is still that moment of "oh why do i even try?! He'll never be happy!" And those are the times when i "act out", like PURPOSELY stay up late or sleep all day or do chores late... but usually i need things done too, so hard to neglect for too long. Almost always too late for him though. Like, thats how it feels. It's not always true. And some rare occasions, he'll say something nice.

good luck with your hubby.
bizi

Thanks! Yea, gonna need it today!...

Terrible start to the week. Was so tired yesterday i wanted to sleep by midnight, but somehow managed not to get to bed until after 5am. 😭

So, of course, im exhausted again right now and have a long list of chores to do b4 i can even think of nap. (More virtual tears/inner anguish). And none of that includes setting up my doc appointment.

I have to cook, then prep to cook again ...oh but first wash the dishes to cook...all of this takes a couple of hours 😭 ...

I lost my train of thought! Thought there was something else, oh but maybe im already mentally crashing?? 🤷*♀️

I dont even know what i can prep and have ready for dinner tonight, so thats more headach and anxiety.

(I swear i started seeing the text as green... yea! There it is again!! Btw, i have not even checked social media-Twitter yet today. Trying so hard to be responsible!! But I'm miserable right now :() please send good thoughts for me today! Check back tomorrow

You are seeing the text in you write box as green?

or others posts as green. That is odd.
I really wish you would make an appointment with a psychiatrist.Your mind is going a 100 miles a minute.
I am sorry that you are going thru this.
What are you afraid of?
bizi

Morning check in. I'll try to get back again later today, but no promises

Well, i went to bed somewhere between 130am and 2am. Sooo much better! But now i woke at like 8 when H alarm went off. I need more rest, but I'm too hungry! Too tired to go into all of the whys of that.

Yes, i was pretty wound up yesterday, and i fear it today if i dont relax more... but i did sleep earlier. Again tho, still lacking sleep. Well, wish me luck!

Today is Tuesday, the day that famous band guy has his afternoon talk show (prerecorded) aired and chats with us on the community site. I really wanted to go back today, especially since my friend will likely be there again (shes been away. Yeah, thats a whole other dramatic tale. 😅)...but i don't think my mind/body can take the stress (anxiety and excitemnt) of that right now. Maybe if i nap, but i dont see how ill have time. I dont know!

I really don't have much battery and I'd like to check in with my "news" right now,...AND i really just dont want to think of anything heavy just this minute, so I'll respond to you, Bizi a bit later. Again, no promises but i will try to come back later today. <3

Hope everyone's doing ok! Much love! Trying to get into a habit of checking in here more regularly. But gotta start slow. I think it just gets too heavy and hard to think about the hard stuff all the time, but i DO need to talk with folks regularly who understand these things and can help. I know just chatting about fun stuff helps in a way too, but other times, i do need to be "real" ...ok, I'm starting to think in circles (in my head. Not typing it out lol) See?? Too much thinking can get stressful too. I require a balance of talking and just funny videos or ppictures with or without fun captions and pretty scenic pics. Haha Can you see why Twitter/social media is fun and relaxing for me? Lol (much of the time...its just too much leads to trouble, and when having to sort through the garbage that comes up when i get to following too many accounts. Oye! *facepalms)

Ok, ttyl!