Yeah, I am consenting. It's just sometimes it feels like a game to me. Like we have to keep score or like pick who's turn it is for the focus, mostly being him, which in most cases is ok because I don't need it as much, but when I do, I really do! And it's always at an "inconvenient time". Well, from where I stand and what I've observed lately, he does something sweet getting me in the mood but by the time we have time, he upsets me again and I tense all up and close myself off. Right? Make sense? Maybe I should try telling him this (again, I'm pretty sure),...

Gee, your really good with words. So.Try writing down some of how you feel.

First write down like the internet things you both do.
Also write down how you both cook the meal. Try getting some little things together even for 5 or 10 minutes like a walk just doing social distancing.

Just also write and small note, say hi how are you?

Donna

Oh Donna!

I need some clarification on some of those suggestions. Forgive me. I'm so tired and the fact that I'm feeling unclear makes me just want to give up and sleep right now! :/

But before I get into that. Guess what just happened? Hubby asks if I'm awake. He's obviously dying to tell me some news. He had a sex dream about us. He's apparently oblivious to the fact that I'm still ****** at him. (Edit: Not sure why this bleeped out. Dont remember using an explicative here. Hmm...ohhh basically I'm mad heh! ) He goes on to add that he really needs this, basically, but in a matter of fact way as if to say this is happening because he wants it/needs it. What about my @#&*! needs??! Of course I didn't say that. I didn't say anything, and by then he had already left and was making noise brushing his teeth, wouldn't hear me if I did say anything. But so like, I'm up against the wire now (is that the saying?) I've less than a workday's time to address this...i really don't want to fight again, and I actually have sympathy for his needs, but I don't wanna compromise myself. I hate this! I'm so sad right now.

But back to your suggestion, because I honestly came here today looking for advice. I'm confused...do yo mean just keep tracking the hours of internet or something more? Then what do you mean about cooking the meal? Like write what happened? Or write the good parts? Then the 5 to 10 minutes of quality time, am I to DO this or write this? Is this all for a letter to him?...but the short note is separate? Do I do all this before tonight? Should I try to bury my hurt again and pretend everything is fine? I'm so tired! ;( so tired of this charade!
Thanks

Update,

I just handwrote out a letter to him. I'd preferably like feedback though, but I'm not sure about making the time to get it typed out and without him noticing (see, hard with him working from home). But I'll see what I can do. I'd also prefer to give him a handwritten copy, but all I have is junky lined notebook paper and my hand is already tired from writing already (how did we ever manage in school days lol).
And it's 2 pages long, front and back, and I'm wondering if a typed letter would look less intimidating. Anyway, the main points are a page and a half talking about the good memories of our early days as well as just some friendly banter about how we don't get the pleasure of talking so much anymore and how I'd even wear makeup again if he'd like (he doesn't really like, but I want to show effort and remind him how I'm actually better now then back then (as he continually talks of yearning for that old me. Ugh!). Anyway, then I mention how I wish I could have more time, like back then, to just focus on the sexy stuff, but unfortunately cooking and dishes take so much time and energy. I explain my need to distress as well as the need to exercise my creative brain with internet and this writin stuff. I tell him my intentions with Camp. Then I basically end it on the condition that I'll have sex with him tonight if he can agree to be patient and not complain about my internet use. That it's serving a purpose and is not an addiction. Hmm, can't remember if I said one more thing, but that's the gist. So, would anybody be willing to proofread it should I get the time to type it? Or does anyone have thoughts now?
Thanks for reading!

meh! forget that letter i wrote for now. I just heard from my doctor and he wants to meet with both of us. Now i just have to figure out how to tell hubby this and that i talked to doctor about our issues... ugh! thinking I'll just somehow get through tonight and then bring up the doctor stuff and hopefully schedule that appointment. wish me luck!

but again, Donna, you can respond to my followup questions to you in the post above the above post (right?) lol thanks!

Thanks all! (((hugs)))

First, Gee, I'm going to answer your question about the letter you wrote him.
Personally I'd just give it to him like is. It's just how you feel right now. And what you would like to happen. And whether he likes it or not really then it's in his ball park.

Next when it comes to telling him your doctor would like to see you both.
I'd personally say: husband, his name instead, my doctor wants you and I to both come to my next appointment because he/she feels it would be better for me. I'd make it look like he is helping you.

I'm going to try answering other questions next post

First, I'd make a column of computer time showing his time, your time for the day, or time periods. (His also being the gaming if that's his instead)

Just write day of week and hours

Next when your cooking especially for him snacks, Record how much time your spending doing this, say if it's every day.
30 minutes just cooking special for him, Show him in writing. Put down what you cooked in another column.


I'm going to suggest since you want to start writing camp, because I can't remember what you call it. You look at this as your work time. But so he can see you are recording this too write it down too. Also how much time cleaning , cooking and other things to house a day.

Just show him how you spend your day.

If he were one that spent hours watching tv without you, Or as my husband tinkering on vehicles and not being home. These would be recorded. They are hot spots or were for me


Also suggestion after this mess of virus set up a night to go out. You find things you both can do together.

Donna

Thanks Donna.

I'll try writing all those things out. Maybe even approach the doctor thing in that way, except hubby will still need to know I contacted doc again-thats the issue.

As far as the letter, with all due respect, you haven't read it. (I mean I guess I summarized it) but the fact is, I don't think he even wants sex tonight now anyway! He's working out instead and will be too tired to accommodate my needs for sure and when I asked him if I should just go ahead and shower, he did that grunting thing as if to say go ahead. Ugh! I'm at my wits end with him! I'm just going to chill myself out, watch a movie, maybe try to incorporate some weight lifting and try not to think about him for the rest of the night. He wanted asparagus, but me burning it last time is what triggered all this b s and frankly I just can't do another thing for him right now. He has his post workout cookies. He wants his veggies, let him make them himself!...unless I fall back asleep here and just wake up and do them quickly before the movie. I dunno. I'm so tired (of this mess). :/

Hoping for a better day tomorrow though! I think I should just be upfront about the discussion with doc and get the damn appointment scheduled and move on. Sigh. I just feel that might be best at this point, but thanks for all of your considerations and suggestions. I will try to keep that log of those things. Today has been a crap day for me in regards to being online though...been on most of the day about this stupid letter...oh, if you'd like to read it, that's still an option...

So tired. Zzz zzz :P

Gee,

I used to.write letter of anger. Or this is how I feel. And at times throw them away. Then write again a day or two later how I felt. It's how I.got my feelings out of my head. So just Do what you need

Hello my friends,


I am sorry I have been missing.
I am having side effects from the meds. hands fingers jumping off keys on the key boardd. miss typing letts. some times when I hold the phone I might move like I am going to drop my phone. also rolling eyes like a slot machine. I just took an anti vert meclazine to see if that helps.
I have not had a bowel movement in 8 days have take 2 bottles of mag citrate and will do a colon cleanse like what you do for a colonoscopy will decide tomorrow before noon. I called my general practitioner and left a message about what I was doing. she said she did not know when they would get back in touch with me.if i don't have a bowel movement by noon I will take a bunch of myralax.in gatoraid, Kay told me what to do. Thank goodness she knows this stuff!!
she talked with me for 2 1/3 hours this morning.
I am so greatful for that.


bizi
If Dr. Orazio did believe me that I was manic she should after reading that letter.
again I face time with her at 3:40 wednesday, with Jeff.