I must admit that since my meeting with Goodwill last Wednesday that I had become a very broken person. Things were coming at me at all directions like with Doug's roommate crapping all over Doug and even the nurses crapping all over Doug. I tried to make it all up to Doug and that was breaking me also. First came the desires to get drunk and I didn't. Then came the desires to smoke and I did not. I had not used one single thing to ease my frustrations or aleviate the stress. The only reason I would not drink or smoke because I knew that would not help. I went to church today and the preacher talked about Jesus fixing us when we are broken like someone would glue back pottery that a piece had broken off of. I went to the ladies room at church and bawled like a baby and asked Jesus to fix me. I went back to the church service and listened attentively. When I left my church I felt so much better, like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Then I see Doug and the awful way his step-son treats him, even Doug's nurses treat him like a Dog. I have sacraficed my whole summer for Doug. I have done without things for Doug. When Doug passes, I won't have one soul in 3-D to pick me up or comfort me. I am just not strong enough to go on sacraficing for Doug when he could go to a nursing home and I could work on putting me 1st. I wrote Doug a letter telling him I was going to stop being his care giver and put it on his bed side table as he was sleeping when I was there. It was a long letter and I know it's going to hurt him in more ways than one. It's going to hurt me longer but not as bad if I don't look out for my sanity.

befuddled2

That sounds like a hard letter to write.
This has been so hard on you...you have volunteered your time and energies to him...that is the thing about volunterring..you do it when you can and don't do it when you can't.
It sounds like you have gone beyond this and more for him...it is time to think about how this is effecting you.
I am glad that you wrote to him.
This sounds so hard....
bizi

((((((Barbara)))))),



http://www.jengray.com/archives/000840.html

Barbara

Thank you Jo, Bizi, and Barb.

Jo and Bizi, it was a hard decision and hard letter to write.

Barb, I really loved that poem you linked me to.

blessings,
barbara

I'm so sorry you're feeling so drained and vulnerable right now BF. I wish there was more then just a cyber hug or words on a screen. But there are real people in 3'd here who care about you and hate seeing you suffering. I am really sorry that you'er hurting right now, it sounds like you did something terribly hard but necessary, just hold fast to your faith and know that you are being watched over.

thank goodness you knew when to stop. I helped out my neighbor and went to far and wound up getting one and half to two hours sleep a night. I still haven't recovered and it started in January. I still haven't been able to get out of my depression either. We have to learn when we have to take care of ourselves first
Bobby

BF - You did what you had to do for your sanity. I sure know it isn't easy being a care giver. It will wear you down very fast and it is a struggle at times. The stress alone is way too much. Sometimes I feel like just running away, but of course I don't. I should take my own advice, but it's my mom and oh I could go on, blah blah blah.......................

The letter must of been very hard to write. I am sure Doug will understand, he knows how much you have done and been there for him.

Lots of Hugs, Nikko

Thank you Pam, Bobby, and Nikko.

Bobby, that means the world to me for you to say thank goodness I knew when to stop. It helps ease my mind.

befuddled2

Barb

I agree with the others. You are doing the right thing.

I'm having a really rough day. And its probably going to sound bad.

So suffice to just say. That I know what you are saying.

One of my co-workers has a little girl that has been at death's door
many times. She has been able to rally somehow, not sure exactly
how.

Its never been stated like it was to us all like it was in a email
today.

And I'm having a hard time with it. We have all known it was coming
soon, but we hoped they were wrong.

But we have been told that she has less than 24hrs to go. I can't
imagine how her mother is holding up. She lives over in the other
part of my state or I wouldn't be sitting here at my computer
typing I'd be at the hospital or their home with them.

Its just not possible. I feel so hopeless and sad.

Donna