So I went to my T appt today and they didn't have any record of my appt. I was like OMG no way! But she saw me for ten minutes anyway and wrote out new rx's for me, she rx'd tramadol for sleep help because we upped the paxil to 25 mgs now and I am off the elavil.

Things with Jackie are only a little better, we're going to see his pdoc the 16th and I am just so anxious about life in general. I wish things were better, we have another inspection coming up soon, probably next week some time and I am just so anxious about it, I just can't write.

I did try to start the new book, but it's not coming along like it used to for me. I am scared I won't be able to write anymore. The good news is that there is a new writing contest and I entered it, it's by Amazon.com so I have hope that it will be done more fairly then the last one I entered.

But I won't know until November 12th if my entry is acceptable and that is a big bummer, I really hope that I place in this one, the grand prize is 25 grand. But it's not about the money, it's about the getting published, which I really hope happens soon. If I give up on this dream of seeing my writing published what will I have anymore?

I keep getting rejections from agents so I did it, I submitted the new book to a publisher, this is a different book then I entered into the contest, but still its a awesome book I think. But am I just deluding myself thinking I have any talent? I don't know. But I can't give up just yet, I've only been at it for a few years yet trying to find an agent, so who knows? Maybe that publisher I sent off to will LIKE the new book and want to buy it from me.

If I don't write I don't know what I will do with myself. I am so down, it started with what happened with my appt being so chopped and worked out like it did. I just feel so OFF kilter right now. I hope the increase in the paxil does the trick, the anxiety over the inspections and the contest are just too much.

Thanks for listening everyone, I just needed to vent. I really hope the paxil helps some more soon, I don't feel like crying so much anymore, but I feel like I just can't get the anxiety under control. And I am having some self doubt over my ability as a writer these days, I just feel like no one out there is willing to give me a chance. But I won't give up on my dream yet. Not yet.

You are stuggling so much lately. I hope Jackie gets better soon, cause I really think it will help you too.

I hear it takes years and years to get an agent and that it is one of the most difficult professions to break into. All you can do is keep submitting.

Self-doubt is normal. But you are going to break through one day. Never give up.

So I've been taking paxil for a month and my hubby is all upset now that he realizes that is what I have been taking he's upset and worried. I feel better then I have in months and he's worrying about it because he's 'heard really bad things about paxil' well I think my T wouldn't have RX'd it for me if she was worried it would react badly for me.

I kinda feel obligated to now call her up and ask for something else...Just because it will make my hubby comfortable. Lord am I nuts for caring? Honestly I don't know what I can try besides Paxil, the others she mentioned didn't work for me.

This was at dinner when I casually mentioned she upped my dosage of paxil to 25 mgs. Now I am worried about continuing to take it because he's getting in my face about all the drugs I have to take. I feel like crying.

As for the writing, I am not giving up, I post on this really awesome writer's board and got some feedback on my query letter so I can improve it and work on my book some more before I send out any more queries. Thanks Mrs. Bear for posting, I feel better just getting it out you know? I can't give up, I just feel bad I didn't post the letter sooner and save myself the pain of losing the chance to query these great agents...who I can't send out another query to over this project. Big no no. Anyway there are plenty of others, I just need to finish working on the book again.

Forgot to mention I don't think I am going to up the dosage on it now because of this personal problem DH has with the drug. He thinks I am going to go postal or something and it ticks me off he has this opinion but he really does. It's not fair I should have to get off paxil when it is helping me to feel better and not triggering racing thoughts like wellbutrin and elavil were. *sigh* so very irked tonight...

Pam,

Now this is weird.
You sure could use a break with the way that teh men in your life treat you.

(But then I might be thinking a bit about my own life too right now. Maybe I should stay off the board. )

Anyway, take care.
You are going to be ok.
Sending hugs.

Mari

Pamster,
YOu need to do what makes youfeel better...and it is sad that your hubby is not supporting you when you need it most.
he is contributing to your anxiety.
I wish you could just tell him that you are in control and that it is your body!!!! your responsibility.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pam)))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you............................


Nikko

Hang tight, go easy.

Well I am coming to accept that I don't have what it really takes to become a published writer, I am going to give up on it. I just picked up my paxil rx and AM going to take it tomorrow. I think giving up on my dreams is going to hurt, but dammit this rejection from all around hurts just as bad, why set myself up for anymore. I just HATE it...I am done to the point where I almost don't feel like sitting here in front of the computer anymore.

Thanks for caring, and the hugs, I really need them about now. DH is still worried about my taking paxil but the heck with it, I need something and it was helping until this depression started up a few days ago after getting three rejections in one day on my last and final book. I mean if you've writte seven complete novels and can't get anyone to buy into one it's time to throw in the towel...Seriously.

Dear Pam,
It is hard to get published in isolation.

Are you living near a big-ish city where you could hook up with some writers organizations? Romance and Mystery writers often find each other and get together to offer tips, read sections of their work to each other, and to offer support. Also children's book writers and sci fi/fantasy writers find each other. There are also groups for people who write in other genres.
For example here is the blurb for the Tampa Writers Alliance:

http://www.tampawriters.org/

You don't have to try to do this by yourself.
Mari

Pam

Also you might try to just send in some things about autism and other things
you know about. To exceptional parents or parents.

Or to other organizational magazines that would maybe publish them.

Even if they don't pay at first. THis might be a way to get into the business.

Donna