Waves told me she wrote about my son here and I read her post. I haven't read others because I wanted to be a little more accurate, though Waves got most of it right and certainly her heart was in the right place.

My son died on October 29th. I still can't really say or write that. It is very painful for me and I still can't believe it really - denial is a balm.

His medications were not done right by his psychiatrist. My son and I were trying to titrate on the clozaril because he had missed about a week to ten days. The website says to titrate - go back on slowly - she (the psychiatrist) said that was not necessary. He had actually been off ten days and she - who was in another state and did not look at his chart - said he had been off two days. And get off the phone and do what I say because I am going on vacation tonight.

He and I started him on the clozaril slowler than she said - but not as slowly as the pharm site said. He couldn't go into a new program because she wouldn't change her mind or look at his chart to see he and I were right.

He died in my small apartment. Just me and him. He was having problems with wheezing and he was sleepwalking. I was going to take him to the hospital the next day. I got him in bed and he died. He was 29. I am crazy with guilt and anger and pain and love. It wasn't my fault but it is hard to not feel it was my fault.

His brother and sister came a few days later - they live far away.

I am having a small memorial service on Sunday and have no family in the area. His ashes will be scattered in the spring.

He was my life - I devoted myself to him for the past 25 years. The coroner has not determined a cause of death and it may remain so - probably his heart and the Clozaril does cause deaths by myocarditis. Slides have been sent to a cardiac pathologist. May know in a few weeks, may not.

I have missed people here but work now full time and this is more than full time. I just want him back.

Sometimes I feel some peace. In therapy and may go to a bereavement group in January.

Take care all of you,