1. Give myself permission to lose control (in non-destructive ways).

2. Spend my time building on my strengths rather than patching up my weaknesses.

3. Ask myself every day “What do I need?” and then take a step to meet that need.

4. Make myself right instead of wrong.

5. Honor my sadness and know that living with great vibrancy is the greatest tribute to those we love.

6. Slow down.

7. Say "NO" to myself on occasion and to others on many more occasions.

8. And the biggie - don't internalize my feelings, reach out, listen and learn. I tend to retreat and don't mean to but it's part of the cycle, a vicious cycle.

I want so so hard to make 2008 better and get some normalcy back in my life. I've been away again and had 2 more treatments, my decision. I couldn't control it and I knew it. I don't want to live this way anymore and I'm determined to fight the beast with everything I have. And that elephant in the corner blaring his trumpet is really wearing me thin. I want to smile, really smile, not a forced smile. I want to laugh again and enjoy life to it's fullest. It's there for me, waiting for me but just seems out of my reach.

But as Alffe told me, I'm not supposed to control things. God does that. I do feel His arms wrapped around me and that gives me comfort but I wish it was my mom's too and that sadness I can't take away. I can't explain in words how much I miss her, how I miss the smells in the kitchen during the holidays, her warmth, her smile, her touch, her hug.

When that balls hits midnight tonight I'm not sure how I'm going to feel since my life has no direction right now. That is if I make it till midnight. Still coughing and hacking with this cold. But it's in His hands and I know He's going to do what's best for me and I place all my trust in Him.

Thanks for the nudge Alffe *grin

Welcome back dearheart...you've been missed! You did and are continuing to do the right thing. I think you are awesome!

let the lord be in the drivers. bump road..lots fast curves..but we get where we need to.

for a laugh...take at a look at my silly mug and t-shirt:

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/ne...read34991.html

my prayers for you a peaceful 2008.

love you sweety.

I am so sorry I missed your call yesterday. By the time I got home I was just too tired to think straight. I will be home for most of the day tomorrow. My kids and I have decided not to do a dinner tomorrow. They are trying to get their new home ready to move into and me, I have a friend that wants me to help her do some things tomorrow, hopefully for only a couple of hours, between 11 and 1. That gives you an ideal of my time schedule so we can visit on the phone.

I am so glad to see your list of New Years Resolutions. If it were mine, I would have to add one more, to lose weight. LOL These holidays tend to remove all of the work I have done all year long.

Those are great resolutions. You should put you first.

As far as your Mom. I do understand how you feel about that. I miss Mom, Dad, and Bill and my brother and sisters that have passed. It doesn't matter how long it's been you still have them in your heart. They do want us to move on though and enjoy our lives as best as we can.

You have a lot to offer in this world and God has a plan for all of us. I'm still trying to figure mine out but so far NOT. LOL He does though. When you hae the faith that you do then you will see that plan.

I like the ideal of getting normalcy back into your life. What we learn sometimes is that we have to change our normalcy to fit our lives and our health.

I do hope that this is the starting of the best years you will ever have. Just remember to LOOK forward and not behind.

You can get better and you will.

Ada

OMG she does exist That's such an awesome picture Curious. What do you mean you need to lose weight? I don't think so. But maybe the monkey does.

It's okay Ada about missing you. As soon as I got home I called to see how you were doing. I knew the holidays were going to be hard on you missing Bill. I'll call you sometime tomorrow. All I'm doing is going to 11AM mass, it's a holy day of obligation.

My pdoc told me these are the things I have to work on. Being fired has really sent my self-esteem spiraling downward. I know I have to work on a lot of things but the holidays have made things seem so much worse. I know my mom wants me to move on and not grieve so much but does that mean I have to forget her? That's what has me so confused, I don't want to ever ever forget her.

BJ what a great New Year's gift: you're back!

Sorry you're sick right now, but it's nice to have you.

You have some excellent resolutions. I might just have to steal some of those from you... well, no need to steal, about we share

I want you to smile and laugh too. you do what you need to make yourself well.



~ waves ~ from the future (it's 2008 where i am )

We can share my resolutions Waves anytime All we can do is try right...so I'm trying so hard. Happy New Year Waves!!

I was going to PM you but I will tell you here. I did get my VNS turned back on at it's lowest setting. As I have told you, I have a Dr. that doesn't give up. IF I hadn't said yes, he most likely would have had the nurses to hold me down and turn it back on. LOL I did ask him to let me bring the computer thingie home that turns it on and off. He said the way I wiped out the color on TV's with my magnets, he didn't think that was a good ideal. I did 2 tv's like that when I first got my VNS put in and put that damn magnet on my arm. I went to turn on the tv and swiped out some of the color. The boys came over and thought the tv's were getting ready to go out. Luckily I didn't wipe out my computer with it. I won't wear it anymore, I just carry it with me.
I actually thought though it was a good ideal because I am going back down so fast and I can't keep myself up.

What have you decided on yours. On or off?

I love your New Year's baby. I am hoping this will be your year. Actually I am hoping it will be a good year for everyone.

Ada

Ada I hope this works for you this time. I know how hard things are for you at the moment. I never wore that darn magnet on my wrist for fear of that. There should be a better way with all the technology they have today.

I think I'm going to have mine turned back on once I get over this cold. I guess you can tell by the messages I left today I'm pretty stuffed up still. I just can't shake this one off. My pdoc said I'm really run down and emotionally exhausted so my immune system is a little whacked out. She's insisting too I give it another try. I just hate all the side effects from it and if it's not working why go through it? There's something else she was hoping to get me into a trial last year but they wouldn't take me because I'm BP. My memory is failing again so all I can remember is transcranial or something. And it hasn't been approved by the FDA yet but people are having luck with this treating TRD.

Thank goodness I have a pdoc I can call anytime. We spent almost 2 hours on the phone at 3AM because I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about what I said about letting go of my grief and it was eating at me. Like I said, I don't want to let go, I want my memories of my mom to remain with me forever and ever.

She said something that made a lot of sense, which I wrote down as soon as I got off the phone. Friends and family leave memories not to forget about them. It is the opposite of feeling in love, it aches and you cannot even 'hold' it. It is there but hiding. There is no drug in the world to make the pain go away. I need to find the strength inside me. Let the pain take hold of me for a while, then gently take care of myself.

Sounds easy. So today in honor of my mom's memory I tried to recreate what we'd be doing on NY day. She always said we couldn't eat anything that "scratched" because it would be a year of bad luck. I have never figured this one out but we always had loin of pork and sauerkraut. I didn't have any loin of pork so I made hot dogs and sauerkraut. The smell is all over my house and it's one memory that I'm enjoying today. Thanks for that memory mom.

Dear BJ,

It is great to see you.
Your pdoc is good.

I worked once with a guy who had lost lots of people in his life. He told colleagues that he dealt with it by knowing that they had not left him early, but had lived exactly the right amount of time they they were supposed to. (He probably said it better than I did.) He had worked it out to comfort himself somehow.

I like thinking about cooking and having memories of your mother. This is a good thing.
Your mother left you great gifts if you have these kinds of fond memories of her that you are recreating.


M.