[befuddled2]

Or is it just that I let people use me and they feed off of that? I am really deeply upset at a lot of my neighbors for thinking of me as someone to fix them meals, give them rides, loan them money, or give them coffee or soda. I am beginning to think that it's mostly my fault for starting out being generous just to make friends when in the end these people are not really friends. With the emotional abuse of my recent past I feel that I must buy friendship and companionship. It's ironic but I have become a little of why my marriage did not work; a husband who tried to buy his blood family's love to no avail to only neglect me whom he once had love by. Because of my husband's abuse in his childhood and his mother's narcissist ways he was always bending over backwards to buy her love the way a mother should love but it never happened. I have found myself in the same boat with my neighbors now in a sense that I want to buy their frienship but it never works. The only family I have left has all deserted me and have nothing to do with me except a half sister whom I never met. My analysis on the family that deserted me was not use to the new me. My family seemed the 1st that I had started to assert myself with and it didn't go over well evidently.

So all alone at times but I still have my faith.

befuddled2

[bizi]

WEll it doessn't have to be all or nothing.
You can set limits...saying that I can't afford this or that.
What about a pitch in that way they can contribute as well and it doesn't sound so lop sided...
Could you create a game night where people can come over for sodas and an activity, cards or board games, ask them to bring chips and dip or veggies cut up to help defray costs. It could be one night a week and different neighbors host each week.
I am sorry that you are feeling used.
bizi

[BJ]

It happens Barbara because you're a good person. Some people are givers and some are takers. But you need to let them know that you can't keep giving all the time.

[DiMarie]

Barbara, You may give off a feeling to others of the closest thing to a loving home.
The giving back to them does not come naturally.
THe more loving we are the more people do take, as they can not match the level of care and kindness some of us have.
HUGS
di

[Jomar]

I have very high expectations for "real life" friends - and when they don't fit in with my expectations - of honesty , loyalty & trustworthiness, etc - I pretty much stop spending time with them.

I give emotionally up to a point, but if it becomes all one sided after awhile I draw the line.

Life is too short to waste by feeling used or manipulated.
Don't be afraid to say no to those that are using you.

[Dmom3005]

You know I personally wish that I could just make some more new friends.

I have this very strong need to have friends to have lunch with.

Go to the store with.

Have a day at the mall walking with.


I really miss some of my old friends, I have been lucky to have turned a
few of my clients into friends.


But sadly even they go their own way when they are done with me at
times.

Donna

[befuddled2]

Thank you all. Today one of my neighbors came by that had been mooching and he asked me for a soda. I told him no and he argued why not if he was going to pay me for one and I told him because I'm tired of always going to the grocery store burning my gas to replenish my sodas. That settled that. A llittle while later he asked me if he could have a cup of coffee for a quarter and I told him he needs to bring his own drinks when he comes to my house. I know that I always bring my own drink when I go to others' house. I'm learning.

befuddled2

[Mari]

Originally Posted by DiMarie

Barbara, You may give off a feeling to others of the closest thing to a loving home.
The giving back to them does not come naturally.

THe more loving we are the more people do take, as they can not match the level of care and kindness some of us have.
HUGS
di

Dear DiMarie,

I think that this is a beautiful explanation of what happens sometimes in interactions with people.

Mari

[mymorgy]

I think relationships don't work if people don't share the same values. You might be able to find people who share your values by joining some volunteering organization. I am so sure you need to be nurtured now that it might be hard to do volunteering..working hands on...to people who are actually needy...
When you are lonely and hang out with people who don't share your values, you are probably left feeling even more empty.....
Do you like animals? if so how about working for a shelter?
Do you like politics? how about working for one of the campaigns?
Do you feel comfortable with geriatric population? etc
You could also probably look on Craig's list in your area
Bobby

[moose53]

((((((Barbara)))))),

I can't stay on long because I'm using the computer at the library and my time is almost up. (My computer bought the farm last week (my kitchen faucet also broke and I dropped my iron and killed that too) .)

'member I told you a long-long-long time ago that The Universe would keep putting 'experiences' in front of you that you need to master?? Well ... apparently, you need to learn how to master 'boundaries'. You've taken a HUGE step in that by divorcing your husband.

How about if you do an 'attitude shift' and try to think of these people as NOT really taking advantage of you but more NOT really understanding where your boundaries are??

We all know what a fantastic, loving person you are. AND a wonderful friend. So ... how about working on correcting the misconceptions that these people have about what they can and cannot do to you but try to do it in a subtle, gentle way so that you keep them as friends.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb