I feel like my therapist was pushing me. For the most part we go very slowly but if I get scared or freak out then I always feel permitted to step back from that place or try to figure it out from a different angle. And often she will acknowledge that she feels she is pushing me and we can check in about it. Sometimes I think I should try to push more but I can't go any faster right now.

I felt like she was threatening me although it may not be what she meant at all. Often I have to check out what I heard versus what she actually said. It just sounded like she was saying it's her way or nothing and that made me angry.

I's not about being right or wrong either, it's about my perceptions. Bottling up strong feelings, pretending everything is ok, hoping the feelings will go away without talking about them is more likely to damage the therapist relationship then talking. But she pushed me there and I felt like I was cornered.

I was so proud of what I wrote to my boss and she didn’t even read it, wanted no parts of it. She was focused on why I was wearing long sleeves when it was 80 degrees out and some other things that I don’t feel comfortable about talking about.

Mari there is really no down time for me. We started working long hours the third week in January and now at least I only have to work 8 hours a day. My billing rate is high and I work on mostly corporate, inheritance and estate tax returns. So there’s really no let up. I just need a break, a time out. I'm just so utterly exhausted right now and feel used. There's lots more inside but I can't get it all out.

I still think that if you wrote her a letter to give to her (or even read it to her) this could help you get out what you need to say to her....it is so hard to verbalize these feelings.
Sorry to have missed you for a chat.
((((HUGS)))):hug:
bizi

((((((BJ)))))),

You're writing conveys a lot of feeling and emotion. Use it as a tool to help you when you're really stuck or when you're afraid of what's coming next.

We always figure we know what's going on in someone else's head. That was actually a huge strength of mine when I was working, I could look at a lot of different points of view and see the big picture. Unfortunately, I had to learn that even though I'm good at a lot of things, I cannot mind-read.

The reality is never as bad as what we create in our heads. Use the tools that are available to you -- your writing and your ability to communicate -- to verify what you think is going on.

It sounds you have a lot of trust for your doctor. (I know how hard that is to find.)

Try to take baby-steps and put all the various things that are available to you now to help YOU: your words, your ability to state what you want and need, a good therapist <<-- put 'em all together and you just might get the same kind of miracles I was able to get.

That's what I wish for you -->> you own miracles :hug:

BIG HUGS.

Barb

I was trying to talk about an issue that was very important to me. I was talking about something perhaps being an issue of trust....in the middle of me talking about what is important to me and bothering me. I asked her about what she thought if it is indeed an indication of a deeper level of not trusting. I ended up telling her she wasn’t listening. She didn't think that it was an issue of trust and that I was thinking about something else.

I’ve tried to keep my emotions under control I suppose, but it is bothering me. She does not listen or stop listening often I couldn't tell as she wasn't "different" than at other times. So does that mean she is not listening to me often? I feel like I am boring her, that I should stop talking and wanting to be understood.....maybe enough is enough, perhaps I just wanted to believe that she has "heard" me, understood me, and cared about me. I’m not sure exactly how this makes me feel but I know it doesn't feel good at all. My mind’s going in a thousand different directions and I hate this feeling.

Am I over reacting, is it no big deal? How can I even believe that she is listening to me at any other session? How can I tell, I couldn't tell that last time, I had no idea that she had stopped listening?

This session I would say was the worst one I have ever had. I had a flashback in session that was so horrific words really can't even begin to describe it. But now I wonder if she even “heard” what was going on, did she hear my cry for help? Before she would be calm, help me get grounded, reassure me, everything I could want in a therapist. Yet, despite that, I am totally freaked out about going back on Monday. I emailed her and told her so. She said it will be okay, we will work through this together. But now I’m afraid if I go and I if I go to “that” place she won’t even be listening, she won't help me out of it. So why go?

((((((BJ)))))),

You NEED to go. You need to verify whether or not she was really listening.

I always believe that places (situations) where we are the most uncomfortable are the areas that we need to work on. Do you have feelings of not being heard by other people in your life?? Maybe this is something you need to explore with her :confused:

Speaking only for myself, I learned a lot of ways of coping to keep me safe during my childhood and during the time after my brother's suicide. A lot of those coping techniques either just aren't needed anymore or they're actually interferring with my being able to participate in healthy relationships. For me, a lot of that came up in the way that I interacted with my doctor. For me, it turned out to be good that I could sort of "rehearse" in a safe situation things/behaviors that I wasn't too sure about anymore.

Trust your instincts, BJ. But, also realize that some of the "avoidance behavior" was learned to keep you safe a long-long time ago. Maybe it's not needed anymore.

I know how hard you're working. And I remember the similar feelings that I had when I was in therapy. You're doing a good job http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_2_104.gif

Barb

Dear Me BP,

You are not over reacting and this is a big deal.
That is why I suggest that you go on Monday.
She is the best one to help you through this since she is the one you are having an issue with.

Give her a chance to help you.
She might surprise you and make you feel better.

Maybe you two have reached a new step and a new level of understanding. You two could be in transition mode right now, on the way to a new and better relationship.

Mostly I want to tell you to be gentler on yourself.
You under enormous stress at work.

Mari

I also want to encourage you to go there and not be so afraid. Therapists are people. Somebody really loving taught me that nothing is forever, the good news being that that also goes for unpleasant things.

So, maybe she had an off-day and was not listening very well on this particular day. No reason to jump to conclusions about all the other sessions, how I recognize this tendency. And maybe she felt you were strong enough to discuss this issue and you disagree. You will figure it out together on monday. You have nothing to fear.

:hug:

This might be triggering so you might not want to read this.












Barbara I have absolutely no one who listens to me because there is no one and yes I still need those coping mechanisms. Last summer when I totally lost it and was so suicidal I called relatives I have in Florida and they totally blew me off. But thanks to everyone in the SOS forum I had myself committed before I could do any harm. And if anyone reads here from that forum, I’m sorry that I haven’t posted there for a while. I felt a need to back off there for a while because it's so triggering but I do care. My flashback was of my brother when I found him hanging in the bathroom. I don’t know where that came from but I had this vision of his lifeless body just hanging there and it all came flooding back. Where that came from I don’t know but I need to go “there” and I’m afraid.

I’m scared to go back but don't know what else to do. I am extremely shy and find it difficult to talk and say things or even be able to put these horrible feelings and things into words. She is always asking me what I want out of therapy and maybe more importantly if I am willing to work with her. I'm having a hard time understanding what that means and can't give her an answer. Each time she asks I feel pressured by it and I need to prove something to her. I've been asking her what she wants me to do and basically from what I can understand from it is she wants me to talk to her? That's what I am trying to do. It isn't easy for me and when things start going around in my head a thousand miles an hour like they are now it makes it ten times worse. Initially when she asked me what I want out of therapy, deep down it is what do I want from her. I want her to be there for me and care about me. I want her to understand what I am going through. But I don't know if she truly can if she’s not listening. I don't see much point in a lot of things lately. But if I go back and see her on Monday I’m afraid it is going to turn out the same as before with her asking me this question and it’s like an ultimatum which I don't have the answer and I don't want to answer.

BJ you did absolutely the right thing in backing away from the SOS forum...the last thing you need is triggering. :hug: I think you are getting some great advice here and I hope you will go back and tell her how you feel and what you need.

Dear Girlie,
You have shared alot of information with us...thank you for this.
I feel honored when you trust us enough to tell us how you are really feeling.
I wonder if you can put the brakes on during your therapy sessons.
It sounds as if you are afraid that she will abondon you if you make waves.
She is not going to do this.
I think you perhaps could restate your needs....
(just figuring out your wants and needs takes work and then asking for it takes even more work)
what it is that you would like for her to do....
could you simply ask her to listen, understand and support you.
She may be a fixer type of person....trying to fix you.
THis is your work...she should be there to help you do this....
ON YOUR TERMS and time frame....what happened to baby steps?
If you feel she is pressuring you then this is a problem.
There are no quick fixes...we all know this...it is the small steps we take along the way.
She is to be your cheerleader...at least that is what I think...a life coach in a sense....you get to create the life that you want and need....and she is working for you...you are the one in charge.
Another way to look at this is that you could fire her for not doing her job...
but she needs to be clear about what that job is....what you expect of her.
It goes both ways.

Just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you...
THis is hard work and you are worth this struggle.
I think of you in a sisterly way....:hug:
((((HUGS)))))
bizi