I am afraid Bizi that she’s going to abandon me. My world is so small right now, so few people in it. But I needed to talk, I couldn’t be transparent. I felt like there was a gulf between us and I couldn’t reach her. Actually I’m terrified of her firing me but I can’t go there feeling like I have to walk on egg shells so she doesn’t get angry. I started to open up about “something” and she skirted the issue and was determined to talk about why I still SI even though I told her I wasn’t doing it anymore. I wasn’t lying, just not telling her. That’s when everything went downhill and I don’t even believe she listened to me the whole rest of the time. I don’t want to shut it off, turn her away I just needed to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. So it ended up where I never really got to talk about what I wanted to. But I was there just long enough to get a bunch of crap stirred up inside me, and then it was all of a sudden time to go. She tried to calm me down, sort of, but gosh I’m nowhere near calmed down. I’m upset. I’m the client and she's my doctor. She's the one who is supposed to work on what I want to work on, or at least that's the way I thought it was.

She told me I’m disassociating myself and I don’t even realize it. You keep "floating" away into a thoughtless and timeless void she said. She said it’s my defense mechanism for coping with my internal distress. She said this is a major stumbling block to progress in therapy because it severely diminishes my ability to be present. Without a clear picture of what's happening, she can't monitor my present state let alone help me. To me that sounded threatening.


Thank you for that Bizi. I feel the same way :hug:

So it is a recurring issue with this therapist? I have had that too. Turned out the person believed in a certain type of treatment for a person with my diagnosis which only made me not want to go in any more.

If you read this link:

yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/psychotherapy

you can see what type of therapy you would like, and then ask her what type she is doing. Might be an eye-opener.

Lots of strength and (((( :hug: ))))

What do you think about this?
I am not sure what you mean about being threatened...do you mean that she was threatening discharging you?
You need to ask her specifically about this tomorrow.
I think you need to be reassured that she is going to support you and work with you regardless....so you dont worry about her leaving you.
Does that make sense?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

goals in therapy
 

Hi,
You are getting yourself all up in knots and you don't have to.

The goal of therapy is to feel better. That is her goal and it is probably your goal too.

When therapists ask me this dumb question about my goals, I make something up. It doesn't matter. Say that you
1. want to feel better.
2. want to learn to like yourself
3. want to be able to deal with the past and put it behind you a little.

OK. Maybe some of those are actually my goals. But you get the point. ;)

Her asking you your goals is her way of getting you to focus and to be more willing to work with her when she pushes.

I think I am hearing in your posts that she has been pushing too hard. She wants to plow through and get to the heart of stuff way faster than you are ready to.

Is this correct? Ask her to back off for a while. You are in a fragile state and she needs to go much more slowly than she is going. She can make this adjustment, but apparently you need to tell her this in clear words.

My suggestion is that you print out your posts here and bring them with you tomorrow.

Mari

some therapists want to cure us
 

I apologize if this is too much
 

Hi,
I don't think that she is threatening you. She is trying to explain what she is dealing with. She finds the dissociative states difficult because she can't do the work that she wants.
Tell her what you want from her. She will try to help you. She is in a helping profession.

It's really hard for me not to scream and yell and curse as I type this.
She really needs to cut you some slack.

Here are two web sites I found that mention difficult issues in therapy.
http://www.mentalhealthworld.org/36kw1.html

This person talks about having bipolar as well as trying to recover from earlier trauma:

She eventually finds other therapies that can help her beyond what talk therapy can do: Massage Therapy, Yoga, Tai Chi and Meditation, Puppets and Humor . . . .

http://www.psychologist-sf-contracos.../evil_copy.htm
Both of these web sites talk about healing from past trauma.

Their approaches are very different from what your therapist is trying to do.
Talk to her. Give her some things to work on. Tell her that she is focusing on the wrong stuff.
Tell her what you need from her.

Mari

No need to apologize Mari because I really appreciate you trying to help sort things out about what's going on with us. We definitely have some issues but I was so certain that she was the one for me. I know I can be a hard patient because I tend to clam up when I feel uncomfortable. I never even heard of disassociating until she said it. But if I am doing it, it's my safe place and isn't it her job to keep me safe?

I don't exactly know what’s happening to me or what I want anymore. I’m having some sort of episode, whether it’s mixed or hypo I don’t know. I’m just so overwhelmed, crying, frustrated, irritable, hopeless, lost, thoughts swirling around in my head. Way too much, total overload. I took Klonopin last night and again this AM but I’m still teetering on the edge of bursting into tears and I have several times today.

I’m not sure why I felt threatened but it sounded like do it my way or else. We're mostly talking about social skills and self-esteem which I have none of lately. The things I'm working on are sort of the issue. I'm not comfortable talking about me because I'm not comfortable with who I am. But, if I was a more adjusted person I wouldn't be in therapy, I guess. Most of the time, I sit there desperately thinking of something to say while trying not to say something that will make me sound completely insane. I just never knew how hard this would get and all the tough things you have to have going on in the office, then having a crash for a couple of day afterwards. I really like her and she has really stressed that her office is a safe place, no judgments, no shaking fingers at me (except when I cut). But that was then and now I think she’s changed or have I, I don’t even know anymore. I waited so long for this appointment because I was working long hours and couldn’t get time off and I was so hoping to get some things out.

She has said things I have felt were unfair in the past. But she doesn't get to be 'right' about me automatically, because she is a tdoc. She probably has more insight, from her studies and from her objectivity, but she isn't always right. It's a huge order to expect another human being, tdoc or not, to always say nice things, never challenge you, never clash with you, and always be totally sensitive and kind and soothing and never take you to a bad place in your head or bring issues up. But right now I feel cornered and like there’s no way out. She wants to take me to a place I don’t want to go right now, I feel it. I’m terrified of going tomorrow because of where this might go. I need to feel like she’ll help me out of “there” if she takes me there and say it will be okay, or give me a hug. Do you know she has never ever touched me except to shake my hand?

Tell her this.
It will be ok.
She said that she wants her office to be a safe place for you.
Tell her what SAFE means to you.


On another note:
I totally would freak out if my tdoc touched me. I don't remember even shaking hands with her. Thank goodness! :eek:

I can see that we all want different things from therapy. :)

This is why you need to tell her what you want. You need to give her some guide posts. And if you don't know exactly what you want, you seem to be clear on what you don't want from her --
you don't want to feel threatened by her.
That one is important to bring up.

Also, it is normal for the relationship to go through different phases as you move along. Maybe you are at a new phase right now and need to talk about what is happening now and what you want to happen next.

Mari

What do I want from her? I want to feel understood. I want her to listen and truly understand where I’m coming from. I want her to help me distinguish between rational and irrational beliefs. I want to trust her and I want her to trust me. I want her to guide me in my thoughts and feelings.

What I don’t want is for her to patronize me, treat me like a child. I don’t want her to sit there with her glasses down on her nose staring at me. She’s knows I’m stuck so give me a little nudge in the right direction. I don’t want her to sit there just staring and staring at me, watching me struggle with my thoughts and feelings.

I need to feel safe with her. I need her to understand and care. I don’t want her to take me to the places I don’t want to go until I'm ready. If I felt safe with her, I’d go there. But I don’t feel safe.

Hi,

This is beautiful.
You are clear in your needs here. This is a good set of needs about therapy. They are well articulated and realistic.
This is what you need to say. She will listen. And talking about these needs will be important because you will be speaking up for yourself.

Are you going to print out what you typed and bring it in so that you can hand her a copy or read it to her?

M.