My tdoc called me yesterday afternoon, asking if it was possible for me to come an hour earlier so of course I said yes as I was off from work anyway. So I went an hour earlier, no big deal. Maybe it was the way things have been piling up on me emotionally and then the change in routine but I had a hard time in session.

I was telling her about a phone call I had with my boss and all of a sudden I felt I was about to cry. She asked me to stay with the feeling. I suddenly felt like I wanted to push her out of the way. She suggested that maybe I need to look at my job issues through a different angle. It felt like once again she was criticizing me. Then I kind of froze and became dissociated, confused and couldn't put my finger on any single word or a feeling.

She became annoyed and since I'm so sensitive to her demeanor I froze again. She tried to get me out of my confusion by pushing me to be present. When this happens I shut down even further. She told me that when I become confused like this she goes into a very dense place and can't see a way to help me. In a way, this is comforting because it means she's with me. But it frustrates her and I know that.

I told her that when she tries to push me out of the confusion it actually makes things worse. I told her that I feel as though I'm in the center of a tornado with words flying around me and that when she stays calm and talks I stay very still and try to hold onto her words in order to stay present. It was really hard to describe this and let her know where I was. I cried as I told her this. She thanked me for telling her this.

When the session ended I don't think I was very grounded, but I put on a happy face and chatted as I walked out the door. As I drove home I became increasingly anxious. By the time I got back home I was a mess. I left her several messages. I was extremely emotional and having a lot of "bad" thoughts and urges to cut. She told me to journal and to email her. After journaling I was able to get in touch with some strong feelings of abandonment, fear and non-existence. Maybe I was right all along. Maybe what's inside of me is simply too much for her to absorb.

I'm not feeling real good at the moment and I think it's from my Lithium. I came home yesterday and was nauseous but thought it was from the session I had. This morning it hasn't stopped and I'm exhausted, feel clumsy, freezing and can't seem to focus. I haven't had it checked since December. I was supposed to have blood work right after tax season and I totally forgot. I called my pdoc and left a message. I don't know if it's alright to stop cold turkey.