[Mari]

Greetings,

Each time I get my meds from the pharmacy, I cross my fingers, say a prayer to the godess, say another prayer, pretend that I am not one total freak out away from being locked up .. . .

9 times out of 10 everything runs smoothly. But if one little thing is different from the procedure, -- like if the pharmacy tech asks me a different question from usual -- I start to get anxiety.

Last Monday I did not have the right insurance card because my work changed insurance.
Today I found the card in my piles of paper work and went back but the pharmacist said it wasn't accepted at that pharmacy.
I tried to act sweet and pathetic and assured him that it was accepted at his store.

Then he went to the computer while I stood behind the counter forever.

Eventually he came back to the register, said the card was good, and rang up my two bottles: $30.

When I come home from the pharmacy I feel like I am coming home from the wars -- blessed to be in one piece.
I feel like I fight little and big battles everyday to stay more or less stable.

It would be sooooooooo much different if I could fight these battles and end up feeling GOOD.
Now that would be nice. Nice for all of us.
That is my wish. That we all feel good someday soon.

Mari

[mymorgy]

That is my wish. That we all feel good someday soon.

that would be so wonderful indeed
Bobby

[Pamster]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

that would be so wonderful indeed
Bobby

Agreed Bobby.

Oh Mari, I am so sorry you have this anxiety like that, I am glad you vented about it though, I am sure it's miserable to live with that. I keep lorazepam in my purse for anxiety attacks out in the world and I don't care WHO sees me take one if I am having severe anxiety. I hate that feeling, like someone behind a counter can refuse you or give you ripples of difficulty to get what you want. Or the worse fear, that something else from beyond the store having to do with insurance can make it so you have to walk away empty handed.

I have medicare part D and things change alot on their formulary so I am always anxious until I see the scripts come through the window and into my hands. I ran into trouble with Jackie's medicaid and I was so angry, instead of anxious I was fuming. Nothing could be done that wasn't done though, it was medicaid refusing to pay for his risperdal in spite of a increase in dosage. I had already started it assuming they would never refuse to fill his medication like that but they did and I had to get NINE emergency pills from the pharmacy PLUS drop his dosage back down from the already begun increase, so it set us back for a week and I was so angry.

It went two days PAST the normal due date too, I don't know what the trouble was but it better NOT happen again or I will call the media. AND deal with it THAT way because you cannot just stop that kind of medication like that, I would rather it was ME that it stopped like that for NOT my poor autistic son. But I am glad I don't have to go without the medicine, I remember how awful it is to be without it because two years ago I forgot to get my abilify filled in time for when I ran out and I had to go one day without it and the racing thoughts were so bad I could not even pray one complete thought as thoughts kept overlapping!

I'm glad you walked away from the pharmacy with what you needed, I would have had the same feeling of dread in my gut over the insurance fiasco you went through, but you got through it! You knew it was accepted there and you made HIM see it was too so GOOD for you! You should be feeling good, but I understand you don't. You probably felt drained emotionally from having to appear stable, I know that feeling. When I go shopping I have a bubbly personality but there are times my mouth chooses NOT to work properly and I can't make the words I am thinking and I think to myself, "My God I hope they don't think I am an idiot for messing up that last sentence!"

Anyway I am hoping you feel better soon, I hope my sharing some of my recent experiences helped you to feel less isolated, that was my intent by sharing it.

[Brokenfriend]

Yes. I'm wondering many times what they are thinking. Sometimes they say they cannot fill my medicine. They say it's to early. I'd say there's been a mistake. I know I don't abuse this medicine. I put it in trays. It's always there fault,and they don't like to communicate with the Doctor,or do anything that they don't have to do. I feel mortified if there are people standing around. I hate that. I wish that they could implement a new plan on how you can do this with no embarrassment. It makes you feel so small when they say you can't have a refill yet,and I know that they are wrong again. I've told them what my Doctor wants them to do. I think that he has them straightened out now. I don't like going to pick up my meds either. They never give you the benefit of the doubt. They know me now,and know that I don't lie,and I don't abuse,and they Fax my doctor now,which he told them to do in the first place. Oh me!


I have also freaked out in the past if I didn't know what a medicine was going to do. When I first took some medicines,I'd think is this medicine going to freak me out? Some medicines have given me a weird feeling,and I'd wonder if it was going to make me paranoid,or spacey. I'd wonder if I'd panic. One time I was in a hospital,and they took me off all of my medicines,and I had a seizer. They put me back on them. I was able to get the micro-tape of that hospital stay,and the Psychiatrist was going to try something new. I was in immense emotional pain,and he took me off of a addictive tranquilizer at the same time. Then he put me right back on it. He said that my problems appear to be real. What was he thinking! I hate these little,and big mistakes that Pharmacies,and Doctors make. I know what you mean. I wish that I could fight the battles,and feal good afterwards,but I usually feel false guilt,shame,anger,embarrassment,and creepy when I leave the Pharmacy.Then I'm tired when I get home,real tired,and tired of it all.

Brokenfriend

[Mari]

I think perhaps sometimes the pharmacy-anxiety (new word?) is because we are so dependent on them.

Also, sometimes, the stuff that happens seems so arbitrary and the rules seem confounding.

My pharmacists are good people. I found a found a good place.
But it still scares me to walk in there.


Oh and I just hate it when the generic changes to some different generic crap when the first generic crap was doing just fine. The pharmacists always say its the same ingredients when we know darn well it is not. Otherwise the color and markings would be the same. And I would feel the same.
I had one bottle I had to toss. It made the anxiety worse.
Thank goodness the next month, the pharmacy went back to its regular/old generic that I was used to.


Mari

[bizi]

I too have anxiety about the pharmacy, 2 years ago, I had my overnight bag stolen overseas and that created a mess with my meds etc...wehn I returned home I had to tell the pharmacy about it well since then everyone of the staff know me they don't even ask me my name they jsut go and get the meds...which makes me paranoid that they all know that I take an ANTIPSYCHOTIC!!!!!!
because I am crazy.......
sigh~
I always try to act very normal when I am at the window....it is like over compensating normalness....
I am sorry Mari that you had this run in with the pharmacist....
bizi

[Brokenfriend]

...and it's out in the open,I always feel anxiety when I walk into the pharmacy. I was so nervous in the 70's,I felt like I was going to loose my voice when I asked for my medicine at the counter. For a long time in the Capital city where I lived,they delivered. If they came to the door,and knocked, I didn't answer. Then when I saw them leave,I'd open the door,and reach out with my arm,and pick up the medicine out of the door pouch,and bring it in without going out the apartment door. Isn't that pathetic? lol Yes,I had a real bad case of it years ago. I think it became Pharmacy Phobia.

Now I live in a small town,where everybody knows each other,well not quit everyone. Of course they do not deliver,so I've gone back to picking up my medicine. They cannot talk about your medicine,or you because of privacy laws. I'm uncomfortable to the point of anxiety,and have a slight paranoid feeling because there are so many controls on medications. When I had group insurance with the supermarket where I worked,I noticed the insurance companies must have counted every pill,and would not let you call in your medicine a day early. Now with all of this control over medicine,I'm having anxiety,and slight paranoid feelings,and anger when I walk into a pharmacy. I hate to say it,but the anger helps me with the process of getting my medicine now. What a bunch of baloney we go through all the time now.


In writing out this message,it reminded me that I use to loose my voice with a small panic while talking to people. It would come out of the blue. You should see there faces when they don't know whats happening to you. This happened allot in the 1980's. I'd never know when it was going to happen. I'd be talking,and then I'd freeze in the middle of what I was saying,and my mind would go blank. It was not a seizure,it was a panic reaction while talking to people. After all of these years,I know what a slight panic episode is,and when someone say's it's all in my head,or snap out of it,I know it's not that simple. I grind my teeth in my sleep. I can tell them that. Forget public speaking. Do you know how hard it was for me to explain to a teacher that I couldn't get in front of the class,and give a oral report.This was back in the late sixties,and early seventies. No one heard the word Phobia Clinic until about 1980,or 81,or82. If the teacher put me up there anyway,she'd find out very quickly what I was trying to tell her. What Embarrassment! I still tried to be cool like most teenagers. I try to hide this as best as I can,and I act like Im as normal as everyone else. I remember in the 6th grade,a teacher made me read out loud. With each stumbling of my word's while reading out loud,the class laughed louder,and louder. I walked out of the class,and went to the clinic. I remember that the Principle didn't know what it was(This was in about 1965),but he treated it seriously. He knew something that the teachers didn't know. He warned those teachers to not push me in class I think. He had a talk with one of my teachers,and she came back in the classroom with tears in her eyes. I'm sorry that the teacher got fussed at. I don't know what Elementary School Principles knew about these things in the mid-1960's. I know that they knew something. This Principle did anyway,and he tried to protect me. May God rest his soul. He was a older man back then,and this was over 40 years ago. I would never want to go through this again. I would never want to live my life again. It's a blessing that the human race doesn't live beyond 90,to 100 years for some people. I hope that I'm not depressing anyone. Am I triggering sensitive emotional memories in some people? I hope not.

Mari. I hope it's not me who is making you sad. You said that you have been sad resently. I hope it's not me doing it. You said your haven't taken a medicine recently. I hope that it's neither I,or that medication. I hope that It's just a passing thing, that will be over this afternoon.


I had forgotten about these things,but in writing about this subject,I can remember these experiences plain as day. There are to many of these experiences. They where beyond embarrassing. They where mortifying. It seems like everything is combined with a group of memories. These memories are very vivid,and I remember many of them well. My family tells me that they can hardly believe the things that I remember. I think that they thought that It was my intelligence,and not my anxiety's. It was my anxiety sidetracking my intelligence. Oh Gosh.

[Dmom3005]

I hate pharmacies, especially mail order ones.

Donna

[Brokenfriend]

That a girl. Let it out. I hate pharmacies also.OH! I hate the way they look at me sometimes. One time recently I was confused about something,and the pharmacist beside the other pharmacist laughed. When I left,and was out the door,I felt ashamed. I feel shame about my illness because throughout history,they have called us all kinds of things,and put us in the category of lunatics,or psychos,and etc. I just hate that. Brokenfriend

[Abbie]

I fear pharmacies because of the cost... no insurance.... and dealing with the rx assistance programs is not fun either.... Helpful yet very humiliating.


Abbie