My counselor referred me to this mental health clinic in town and I am going for a 'intake appt' that will be three hours long. It's not in patient or anything, just going to see if I can get some counselling and psychotherapy to help me through this next few months and beyond. I hope they accept me as a new patient and that I can continue to see my regular T. If not then I will have to see her one last time and thank her for all her help and get my life in order.

It's been another rough day today and I am looking forward to getting the dishes done and being able to sleep soundly for a full 8 hours. I hope that things work out better soon, I am going to call the worker about the kiddo's trike and see about hiring an aide. I hope that we can get a strong man, and that we can set it up in time so I can get out before October. I have done some figuring and it sounds like a two year period before I can fully get on my feet.

Laptop and cell phone first, then school and finally the car. It makes me really happy to think that I can look forward to something, I am not dead yet by any means and though it might sound selfish to Jack, in the long run it's for the best for Jackie, for me and for him. It's not a good situation sadly, and autism DOES break up families all the time, I couldn't handle him on my own and don't see how Jack will either. But maybe, MAYBE with the aide he can last two weeks before he's ready to throw in the towel and sees that I am NOT going to come back.

This time it's not a drill, Jackie scared me badly Monday last week and I just can't trust him. Today Jack left me in here alone with him again, he was in his room playing his game when the AC guy was here fixing our air and he told me to keep the kid off the guy, which thankfully HE ACTUALLY LISTENED to me and STAYED OFF the man...But at first he was getting ideas of being naughty. Tonight in the shower, (we're supposed to take turns bathing Jackie but that too is apparently out the window again...as I have done it for a week now...) he actually SPIT in my hair. I wanted to cry, but I just acted like I didn't notice. I didn't want to have a confrontation with him on wet porcelin.

*sigh* I really hope they are willing to take me on as a new patient, I need this help badly. This same place passed on taking Jackie as a new patient. But BP II is another thing, vastly different from autism which many places aren't equipped to deal with. I think Jack is suspecting that I am done with this, today I told him I wanted to watch how he reformatted the dell and he got a little disappointment on his face and said he heard me, meaning that I would make good on the comment I made a week or two ago about taking the computer with me if I left. That I HAVE a computer...the dell, but truth be told, I don't really want it. I want a laptop now.

Please don't be upset with me for being so needy, I really DO need to hear that I am not being selfish here and that going on with my life IS the right thing to do at this point in time because of the situation I've been stuck in. I wish I could think of other things but it's so definitely over that getting out is about all I can think about. Your support is all I have besides Mother and her husband's support, I have to put up with such garbage from Jack, like today he asked me if I could fail any harder today over not having the screw driver we rely on to open the doors to the house here when Jackie locks the interior doors.

He'd taken it from me earlier and put it away and I kinda went off about it, saying YOU took it and did something with it, I don't have it you jerk! ANd then I found it and brought it over. This was because Jackie hit me with a plastic bowl, this is after being told to pick it up, so he picked it up and hit my arm with it with a snotty attitude. The poor kid is in for a helluva awakening when Mommy won't be around to abuse anymore, I can only hope it shakes him up enough to END this acting out behavior because I honestly don't know what else to do.

I wish I could last until next June when because we signed a new lease last month, but there's not helping that, leases can be broken and this one will have to be broken, we just can't handle it anymore. It really makes me sad, but on the other hand I am eager to get on with making a new life for myself where I am alone and self-sufficient, able to pay my bills on my own and OFF disability making good money. Writing in my spare time and maybe getting a cat, MAYBE not too because Mr. T is plenty of company, a small dog might be nice though. ALthough it would get plenty lonely so it might not be fair to get one. Like I said. T is plenty of company. Him and his fish buddies are a lot of fun to watch.

Thank you all for caring, I know I am demanding a lot of attention right now, in the coming months I won't be active until I get the laptop, but I will be back, promise. It might take four months to save up for the laptop or else Mom can buy it on credit and I can pay it all off. Either way I will be back.