today was terrible.

Ibarely slept at all last night, and had to wake Mike up at 5a. then I went back to "sleep" till 8:30 to shower and get ready for training for CVS at 10am. After 2.5 hours of listening to the manager read the book of whatevers, I left to get gas then go see my Pdoc.

My pdoc took me off wellbutrin because it wasmessing with my sleep and I was having more mood swings on it then ever before. I asked him about a mood stabilizer and hes like "thats only for people with bipolar" as if like me having BP wasn't even an option.

The wellbutrin wasn't doing anything for me. It actually made me more depresssed and kept me from sleeping.

He's also a liar. My first visit he looked into my insurance info and told me my copays were $5 a visit. I asked him for a bill instead of like paying each time because I didn't have a job and I figured it would be easier...

WELL Today I get the bill (there was some confusion over my home address/mailing address cuz theyre different.)

For August (the month I started seeing him) and theres 4 visits. Three that I went to and one missed one.

The Visits are $15 each and $30 for the missed one.

ARE YOU KIDDING!? I'm angry. He said $5 per visit and he never explained cancelled visit costs.

I need a new pdoc, or the next time I see him I'm going to tell him "Hey I started working my schedule is going to be all over the place, so I'll call you when I have a question/comment/concern and we'll meet on an as needed basis"

I litterally feel like I've been duped out of money. I've been going to see this guy for HELP every week for a while and all he wants to talk about is drug interactions nothing about my issues, and he's lied to me and to be honest has treated me terribly.

Next visit I'm going to tell him straight up. I wonly need to see you 'as needed'' and for refills which I'll just call him for, and since I now have a job. after I pay by back copays I'm going to just pay for the visits everytime I go, so If I need to leave at any point I don't leave owing him money.

Once that's all settled I'm going to try to figure out my insurance. If I don't take at least 4 classes next semester, I'm not covered on my dad's insurance which scares the hell out of me.

I need to talk to the school councelor guy and explain about school/insurance/the disailities department because apparently the disabilities deparment can give you like a reduced course load but keep you on insurance.

All of this is so hectic and confusing it makes me dizzy. Everything is connected and I don't like it. I want to be able to knock items off my 'To Do' list but I can't take care of one thing till I do other things and those other things can't be done without parts of other things and it's just a circle I keep running myself in. I need an outside influence to straighten me out.

I hate that I have to say that but I need help. I'm dependent on other people when I'm in trouble or can't figure it out on my own. I need a therapist/life couch, someone to help me straighten everything out and move in the right direction.

I feel like its roadblock after wrong turn after dead end after rotary and I can't just get the things done I need to get done. I need help.

I get so discouraged and upset that I can't just DO ANYTHING on my own.


I almost had a panic attack after the CVS training because I'm working tomorrow and for a while I had no idea where my SSC was. I asked my dad if it was in his safe, and it was. I was all worked up and worried about not having it tomorrow but I had it at the end.

Litterally when I got out to my car after the interview I was tweaking out, organizing all the paper work and putting my sweatshirt and all that back together and all organized on my seat and putting my seat belt on and turning on my windshield wipers I was getting so overwhelmed because there was no order I was trying to do so much at once and its been raining so I couldn't see out my back window (no back wiper) or side windows and I was afraid of hitting things (i'm terrified of driving to begin with)

and on top of all of THAT its been VERY VERY windy so all the leaves are on the roads and theyre wet and my tires spin in the wet leaves and it scares me so much that i'll try to pull out onto a main road or through an intersection and because my tires don't 'catch' i start slow and i'm going to get hit.

I'm going to mikes house tonight and I'm terrified of driving out there and I'm nervouse for work tomorrow.


The description of the pharmacy job sounds like its going to make me VERY anxiou sand feel rushed and overwhelmed. The manager kept saying 'busy', and 'hurried' and 'quickly' and 'always moving' and I was getting dizzy/anxious/ getting a terrible ball in my stomach just with hes explaining it.

He was explaining how you can advance in the company, and he said if you want to do x amount of training you can be inventory specialist and I got excited because I love organizing and making sure things are in order.

That's why I'm interested in Medical Coding/Transcription or Acounting. It's all making sure everything is filled out and organized and ORDERLY. I would honestly love to fill out paper work all day or do data entry. Those jobs, just thinking about them makes me feel better. The manager of CVS said 'if you think this job is task related youre wrong' which I'm upset about, I'd honestly love to sit there for an 8 hour shift and just count out pills and fill bottles, but he sai deveryone rotates and I'm like :/

I know they're not going to be sympathetic to my anxiety/depression and if I'm anxious of whatever or feeling overwhelmed they're going to be like, "hurry up!" or "lets move it!" or something and I'm terrified I'll have a panic attack =/

I just wanna cry and lie in bed. :(

and lets not even talk about how no matter what I do for a job I'm never going to be able to afford a place of my own, or a new car that i feel SAFE in or any of that. Everything is so dizzying..

I need school to make money,but I need to work alot now to make money, but I need to go to school to keep my insurance, but I have to work to pay copays and gas and clothing and just typing this is making me overwhelmed and dizzy :(

Dear Meg,

I'll get back to the other issues in your post later.

Please listen to me now.
Do whatever you can to keep your medical insurance.


Mari

oh I am mad at your pdoc.
I would highly encourage you to get another one.
Usually there is a phone number that you call for your benefits office under your insurance and they can tell you the specifics about your plan.
It is common to have to pay more for a missed visit.
My plan has a $200 dollar deductable that I have to pay out of pocket before, then I pay 20% of the contracted rate...which is about $15 a visit. But each plan is different.

You are feeling overwhelmed because all of this is new and you need to get your moods stabilized so that you can make some decisions.
What about school this semester, are you taking incompletes or are you trying to finish?
my guess is that if you work full time at cvs then you will beable to have insurance even some part time employees can get insurance so ask.
My guess is that you will have tasks that you will complete and move onto the next job...this is a very precise business...I don't think there is alot of gray areas in a pharmacy.
Does that make sense?
bizi

im taking incompletes, id like to take a few classes next semester if I can, and then see if the disabilities department will help me take like a few classes (1 or 2) and still get to keep my dads insurance.

everything about insurance terrifies me. i got a bill in the mail for $800 some odd dollars from a ER visit for a panic attack because the hospital had my old insurance on record I almost fainted.

I'm going on like 8 hours of sleep from the past 4 days... I'm going to bed now until I have to go to work to train for 4 hours.


:( i hope I can sleep.

Dear Meg,
Do you have any adults in your life who care about your mental health?
You sound like you are doing too much alone.
Find an advocate. Get an aunt or a cousin or anyone to walk you through getting better.
Also, get a better pdoc. This one is a turkey. (gobble gobble)

Mari

Meg, I understand your frustrations but please check your insurance...

Many insurace companies look at incompletes as not attending at all for which they can and many will drop coverage until proof of full time student status and course completion is provided.

I don't mean to upset you just wanted you to be aware...

Also check with your schools financial aid department.... you may be eligible for Work-Study program. This is where you work a few hours a week, usually for some department there at the school. This may be easier than working at CVS for now.

I know this sounds crazy and I'm sure you've heard this before...but stop, close your eyes and take a few long, slow, deep breaths. It really does work.

:hug:
Abbie

Well the 'adults' in my life currently are my parents, Mike, my pdoc, school councelor, and my friend Lizzys mom.

My parents don't believe what I have is an issue, and they're not aware I haven't been going to school. I'm afraid to tell them because they'll get angry at me and my mom drinks so I'm not trying to have her hurt me (physically or mentally).

Mike has been somewhat helpful but is more of a bystander, just listens to my problems never suggests how to help them or offers to help me think of ways to help myself. He isn't proactive just kinda hears what I'm saying, hugs me and tries to make me feel better. Its nice when I'm immediately upset, but when I'm angry/getting panicy i feel like he's smothering me and I just need SOMEONE to help me get what I need. Mike's also the only one who knows I haven't been going to school.

We all are aware my pdoc is terrible.

My school councelor so far is the only one who gets it. He doesn't know I haven't been going to classes but I'm even more afraid to tell him because he works for my school and if I'm not taking any classes I'm not allowed to see him, but he did say if I stopped going there he would still help me but I'd rather just be able to go see him. I really need to go to the disabilities department and be like "is there anyway to take only 1 or 2 classes and still be concidered a fulltime student for insurance sake".

Lizzys mom is hit or miss. Most of the time she tells me "Oh its all in your head I went through everything youre going through, you need to just get off your butt and go walking everyday. youre doing it all to yourself. just Stop youre being rediculous" She thinks she has the answers to everything because she has MS and has been through so much. I'm not saying people with MS have it easy, but she uses her MS like "Oh I'm always hurt, listen to me because clearly I'm worse off then you" in a terribly mean tone/attitude so I don'y really like talking to her about it because one second she'll make me feel like she cares, and then shes like "get over it" which just makes me depressed and upset but I dont tell her that I just kinda sit there and take it. She's kinda on my case about school too but doesnt know that i dont go.



I seriously need help from someone other then who I have now, to guide me along because I've had that type of figure my whole life and now I don't. I'm severely dependent and litterally can't function on my own.

(have to shower will write more after)

just kidding i need to finish getting ready for work 4-8, im coming home before i go to mike's so i might update then.


added:
I'm really jealous of all of you with good doctors, and you guys having it all figured out. I really don't know how you do it, you're lucky. I'm so happy you guys have it figured out cuz if you guys didn't I'd be worse off then I already am.

:hug:

what are you just kidding about?
bizi