Hello megan
 

Hi, and I am sorry you are hurting. Pain is pain, physical or mental. Yes it is hard to deal with. I am just another hurting soul, thinking of you. I already know there are alot of people here who are willing to listen. I am not in such good shape, but I know too that others hurt. I am reaching out to you hopes you know I care about you. Ginnie

You will have to reach out to get help. You can not be passive here.
this takes courage on your part.
I am hoping that you find the strength to go thru this...you need professional help to feel better.
I am sorry it is so hard right now.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I wish there was a way to have everything about what I feel is wrong with me sent to a bunch of doctors and have THEM tell me who's best to help me. there is nothing that makes me more depressed/upset/whatever im feeling than having to repeat myself 378583765 times and then have everyone either disregard what im saying or just not listen all together. I feel like I'm explaining everything to a wall. :[


I hope that your hurt decreases soon, you're a very caring individual I hope that I can help you just as you have helped me. stay strong :]


I've tried to reach out/get attention and now I have nothing left in me to try anymore. I can't keep telling 8753875 people what I think is wrong for them to tell me I'm crazy or to 'just relax' there is NOTHING that bothers me more than when someone I don't know (doctor/pdoc/tdoc) tells me everything is going to be Fine, how do they know!? I don't FEEL fine and so far nothing has been fine. ugh


I feel defeated...like I've pulled out all the stops and I just cant fight anymore :(

hope meg
 

Oh meg, I know the roulette wheel too. You want to get of it so very much. I hear that cause it took me alot of doctors to get help. I am not a good patient and I make demands of my doctors. The truth is one of what my requests are. Some doctor is going to listen to you. I believe this. You can't stop looking for that help. It is out there, just not so easy to find. I went to a new neuro surgeon, after crying 4 days about it, fear.... He was wonderful and not only listened to me, but to two others I dragged with me for support. He gave me new hope, and so did this list I found, God's own direction. I am getting support here. No question about it, I feel it in the replies I get. Keep posting and asking, and reaching out. Ginnie

Here's an update: I miss orientation this morning for school because my passenger side window will not go up and its pouring out. I've been looking forward to this day for a while because it was supposed to help me feel like school is THAT much closer but I had to miss it because I cant afford to fix my window.

I really need to go see someone about all of eveything. Mr Edwards will be available to meet w/ me after I pay for school (tonight) and I'm calling him first thing tomorrow morning. I also just received an email about a lifeguarding job at a sports club near my school so I hope that works out for me. (swimming all winter long inside? Yes please)

Mike is out of my life F O R G O O D. No more about him.

I miss the serenity of Disney world. My heart longs for the happiness that DW brings :(

I have seen people use plastic and duct tape over windows....
is there a busd that you could figure out?
I know how much you enjoyed disney world...it is a fantasy land!
just fun filled.
I am glad that you made a decision about mike....
good luck with the swimming application!
bizi

meg and meds
 

I was just thinking( Oh OH) and maybe it would be good to go to a womans resourse center. Sometimes they have connections to physicians who others can attest to that they are good and listen. It took me lot of trys, but it was indeed through referal, that finally got me the proper doctors. I am not the most stable person, nor the sharpest knife in the drawyer,but I did find the help by being persistant, actually angry about my whole situation. All of it happened right at the time I had to have the help medically. I have surgery on monday fussion C3-7. I wanted to post again, to tell you not to give up even if you have told your story a billion times. I posted to broken wings, as she is the one who is really coaching me through my terrors and nerves. You are the other one I was thinking about. I don't want you to give up. I can't eithor, and my fears are real too. Be good to yourself, and I will try to catch up with youwhen my hospital stay is finished. I kept your thread in my e-mail. take care, ginnie

I hate when I come here to eplain so many things I have in my head, but then before I type them all I get so overwhelmed I don't want to think about the things that bother me anymore :[

IF I DO NOT FEEL SAFE I WILL NOT BE SILENT.

I do not care if it is a person, place, thing, sentence, word, sound, feeling- IF I DO NOT FEEL SAFE i am not going to act like things are okay.

how do I know if I have PTSD ?

Dear Meg

this sounds healthy to me. it is easy to get conditioned into hushing up for the sake of social norms... but it is not healthy to pretend things are ok when they are not or when they do not feel ok.

~ waves ~

WEll meg, Many people who have had traumatic experiences can be triggered. These can be solders coming back from war, shell shock or reoccuring dreams, panic attacks from what they have experienced, many have commited suicide from the horrors of war. Many woman can have PTSD from being abused in the past. This may also apply to men.
I think our parent forum may even have a forum for PTSD. http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=15
It can be dibilitating...what does your therapist say if you have one?
I am sorry that you are feeling badly.
keep posting we are listening.
bizi:grouphug:

you will have to register to post but that is easy.

I have no therapist, everytime i try to make an app, i show up andhave a panic attack and miss it. i could give you a grocery list of events that have been extremely traumatic in my life and ive never been able to jus talk about them. ever. years of BS all held up inside. its stupid.

hi meg
just wondered if you were able to find your way to the PTSD forums?
If you ever want to "talk" about some of your stuff feel free to private message me...I will listen to you. you can have a voice...we will listen to you.
bizi

Dear Meg,
You don't have to start talking about everything right off the bat.
Interview the therapist over the phone and let him / her know that you are not able to talk about certain things.

Talk about things that you are comfortable with. Then develop trust with the therapist.

M.

There may be a community clinic service that has a sliding scale fee if you don't have insurance that would cover your visits.
I think you would feel so much better if you could have someone in real life that you could trust to talk to about some of this stuff that you are dealing with.
bizi

Maybe a friend/any family member could go with you to help with your anxiety issues about going.....just a thought.
I am sorry you suffer with such anxiety.
bizi

Hey Meg,

what happened with the lifeguard/swimming thing you were looking into?

I'd definitely tell any counselor you screen, over the phone, that your prior attempts at counseling have gone awry due to panic attacks... see what they can do to work to make it easier for you... maybe set up the appointment at a time when no other patients are there, if people bother you? i don't know... but they might be able to work with you somehow...

one counselor i had saw her patients in a converted shed in her yard. very private. she was elderly - very calm, warm, non-threatening person. i never encountered anyone else when i went. and the shed was in her garden which had beautiful flowers of all kinds... it was very peaceful going there.

~ waves ~

I have no money. None
None for doctors apps (even with insurance, I have no way to get the $10 i need for a co-pay)
None for school books or supplies. not even paper and pens.
none for clothes. i recently cleaned out my room an donated everything I didnt need and my parents agreed if i cleaned my room they would help me get more clothes to replace the ones I donated...well i got rid of like 75% of my stuff and now i have next to nothing, and they told me that they cant get me clothes (my house is STRAPPED for $)

my dad recently bought a store and said i would work at the store and my check each week would be 1/2 of what it would actually be (hrs x $ - taxes) and the 1/2 my dad takes out will be to help pay for school, which is fine with me.

but i havent started at the store, and i need to take a test to get servsafe certified but i dont have $ for the exam, and trying to find a proctor/exam location is so hard, and i have no idea why.

My 1st day of classes is a week from today. its hard to be excited to learn when i know ill be learning w/o the necessary tools. (books, paper, writing utensils) I have a laptop, but the hinge is broken on one side and its 160$ to fix so I clearly cant afford that. my books are 250$+ and my window on my car still is not fixed (and not to discredit my school or be rude but I dont trust the other students to NOT break into my car.)

I have no idea what to do. I need a lump sum of $ to take care of all my issues. once I start work I'll have $ but cant start work w/o taking that exam first and again i have no $


This is getting so hectic and all of these set backs are making me loose focus on my real goal. its hard to want to go on when all you get is kicked back down to the ground.

ALSO: I have no idea where to start for a search for a therapist/pdoc. I have blue cross/blue shield of MA and their website is ridiculous,and i have no idea if my coverage includes mental health or anything (when I went inpatient in march is was so hectic to get clearance for the 5 days i was in there)

I wish I had a personal assistant or someone to help me organize everythig :[

call blue cross you don't have to use the intenet web site.
there will be a person on call to talk with you especially to help you thru the mental health side. usually they are differnt than your medical side for billing purposes. they will direct you to the right people to help you OVER the phone.
they have counselors on stand by to assist you in all of this. they will get you precertifided immediately for visit and send you a letter with authorizations for visits for the year, you should have unlimited sessions this is normal.
therapist are there to help you.
they can then help you pick out someone with your issues, I presume that you would want a female...they can help you with that.
they will be very helpful on the mental health side of your insurance....
good luck. I would suggest you do this tomorrow.
ASAP,
to get the ball rolling.
you need support thru this difficult time
hugs to you my dear
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Meg,
If you are overwhelmed right now and needing therapy you can wait to go to school the next semester.

Focus on your health.

M.

I am excited for school and i think its the only thing keeping me grounded.

at random parts of my day i feel an inner peace thinking about how I am lucky enough to be able to pursue my dream of learning everything i can about astrobiology.( today has been a very 'up' day)

This is good, Meg.
It if is working for you, then use school to keep yourself grounded and hopeful.
M.

Meg,

i am glad that you have up days.

Astrobiology is a fascinating (and challenging) field. Enjoy your studies.

~ waves ~

thank you for getting back with us.
school it is to help you feel more grounded and alive!
bizi:hug:

of course, i knew since I was feeling decent that checking in here would be helpful. The only thing that im semi-stressed on is trying to find a research team/research scientist that can help me network for astrobiology and things.


astrobiology and abiogenesis are 2 things that I know for a fact i could never get sick of learning about.i have neverrr been motivated or ecited about learning before and the fact i cant still be amazed by things I find out makes me feel like life is worth living. :)

a few more dayyss! Im like reallllly ready to just start now!


spare time w/ no plans is one of my BIGGEST issues. COME ONNN TUESSDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

First I'd like to apologize for my absence. SoMany things have been going on I can barely keep track.

Here's a list of things to get out:
1) My state needs medicinal marijuana and soon.
2) My biological mother told me she's been talking to my biological dad...and she refuses to tell me anything about him
3) The season/weather is making my life a living hell. (I need somewhere warm/nice)
4) I need to get my medical life back in order (havent seen a dr in so long, dental/vision/meds)
5) School is going well but would be going better if I was somewhere ELSE.
6) I need a therapist but I don't trust many doctors.

and even now, It took me 25mins to even start writing this and now my brain is so overloaded I can't think of what else to write. :( I feel alone,and scared and lost and I don't know how to fix it and the only thing I've found that helps me focus/think/organize is smoking but I have no $ or anything to do that.I hate to say I'm dependent on it but honestly, it works better than any benzo I've been on and any ADHD medicine I take makes me fly off the WALL. I just want everything to SLOW DOWN. :(

I am very glad that school is going well for you!!!!!
that is fantastic!!!!!
take it as it comes one day at a time.
make to do lists then check things off.
you can't get every thing done...jsut try one thing...it feels so good to cross stuff off a list.
thanks for checking in.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

School is slowly sliding away because everything happening in my life is quickly pulling me under. my depression/anxiety/whatever my demon is, its winning and i HATE it.

Dear Meg,
I hope that you can find some doctors you trust.
When you have a team in place you can start getting better.
M.

Hi Meg...
I don't think we've "met" before, but it's a pleasure to "meet" you. I have a hard time reading long threads for the first time, so I'm sorry if I'm not totally up to date.

It sounds like you do have an awful lot going on right now: worrying about your b. mother and father, medical issues, and school. I'm sorry that your anxiety is making you so uncomfortable. :hug:
BTW, I smoke pot occasionally & it does help anxiety. I also use it for medical reasons, too. It's "de-criminalized" in my state- no legal scripts. From what I hear, pot isn't physically addicted, but can be psychologically.

Have you ever been taught anything like breathing techniques or guided imagery as a way to help manage your anxiety? It sometimes helps me- the other times I need extra xanax.

I hope things start to look up for you soon. Try to focus on school for now & try to let some of the other stressors fade into the background.

Kay

Im back on here because I need some guidance and support. I hope most of you are still around :grouphug:

Hi, Meg,

I hope that you are doing well. :Heart: A few of us are around.
What is happening today?

Mari

oh sweet Mari, how are you? Its so nice to hear from you again.
Today has been rough, I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year last night and the snow were getting is making me claustrophobic. Im trying to stay positive but Im so exhausted mentally I cant seem to keep my head above water. :thud:

Meg,

The break up was last night?
That is rough.
What did you do today?

Dealing with the piled up snow is getting to be too much for too long I would imagine.

Mari

HI meg,
sorry about your break up....that is hard either way if it was for the best or not. still hard. I hope that you will share some more here. hOw have you been? are you in school? working? living alone? ?Do you have any pets?
bizi

Hi Meg

Breaking up at any point is really hard. And I totally understand about
snow. We got 7.5 inches just Saturday night and Sunday in my area.

We are due more maybe on Tuesday. Just one day reprieve for me.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

OnBroke up Saturday night. I told him I was fed up with his lack of effort coming to see me.
I spent the 1st half of the day in bed, which I never do (I'm an early bird) then I watched the NASCAR race. My heart hurts and today I'm at work trying not to break down. It hurts that all the effort I put in was completely brushed off. I don't deserve to be treated like I don't matter.

Thank you <3 I've been good and bad, trying to be mostly good but can't always count on it. I'm not in school but I have a full time job that I was pretty much gifted after I came back from a broken ankle last summer. I live at home and have 2 dogs, an older golden lab/grey hound rescue from Mexico, named Digger and our new baby is a 2 yr old mix we rescued from Thailand. I picked her up at the airport on Dec 20th, her name is Mieve but we call her Minky.

I can't even tell if the breakup was good or not. I'm doubting my own thoughts and it hurts.

It hurts so much because I could truly see myself creating a life with him and the only problems were all because he wouldn't put in the time and effort to build on what we had. I'm worthy of love and time and he wasn't giving me any time. I need hugs so bad and I feel extra alone because I don't really have many friends here in general so I dunno who to turn to for support.