Here I am lying in bed on my blackberry and feeling upset. That's usually how I feel, ill just have random bouts of going from okay to wanting to cry or just being sad/confused/lost/unhappy and it really draind me. The only time I'm happy is when I'm asleep or thinking about Disney or doing something with Mike.

My car is currently broken which doesn't help my helpless feelings. Now more then ever I feel like I can't do anything on my own. My car made me feel independent and it was my escape. If I was upset I would go and sit in my car abd listen to music but not go anywhere because I'm terrified of driving but I think not having a car scares me more because I hate the idea of being stuck somewhere. I like my car to be able to leave when I want not be aty the mercy of whoevers driving I get really anxious when I don't have control over myself. I don't like having to ask to leave I feel trapped and like a prisoner. :( I just want to be okay. :(

Meg

Not sure what exactly is wrong with your car. But for one thing, if sitting
in it helps the feeling of not having control. Even when your not going anywhere. Why don't you find a radio and just take it outside with you and sit in the car. I realize it doesn't seem the same. But you weren't driving
it anyway when you were having these moments.

Next try to think of some things you could trade someone for a ride to things you really enjoy going to. Say is you enjoy cooking. Maybe a cake for rides to a specific activity for a month. Just stop and be creative with your thoughts.

Donna

Still no car.
Feeling mentally defeated always.

I can't do this much longer.

meg, I am sorry this is so hard on you right now.
tell us what is going on...
Have you tried seeing a new therapist yet?
What about more hours or a different cvs, to get health insurance.
have you looked into community resources available to see someone on a sliding scale, you could really use a good therapist, you seem to be struggling so.
wish it were easier for you.
keep posting, we are hear to listen.
beth

my car is back.
my life is turned upside down.
work still hasn't given me insurance and im full time now.
i miss my NT family.

:(

Dear Meg,It is good to see you again. :)
How have you been?
M.

Yesterday I get the news my dad might lose his job to his company hiring out a cheaper company. This directly affects everyone in my household because Dad is the breadwinner (mom helps but uses her money on things that dont help the household in general - beer,'groceries' which consists of chips, bread, and beer for her, scratch tickets and the newspaper)

I feel like if Dad does lose his job, I will feel responsible to take care of him.


and i still dont have health insurance

Im going to Florida in 12 days. I'm hoping this vacation will help everything I've been dealing with and give me the much needed 'get away' I've been searching for.

I really hope this trip makes everything okay for a while.

Dear Meg,
DiMarie is going to Disney too.
Read her post:
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread86866.html

It looks like you two will not be there on the same days -- She might be back by the time you leave.

M.

Hey There Meg
 

I do hope Disney gives you the space that you need from your every day troubles.

Do drink water regularly... yeah like everyone else says... but it's true. Can't be too careful with long days out in the Florida sun.

Above all, have lots of fun!

~ waves ~

im back temporarily are you all still here?

hi what is happening in your life these days?
How are you?
beth

i feel like im slowly drifting away from everyone and everything. like someone pushed me out to see in a boat and im getting so far i cant see or hear anyone.

i havent had a panic attack in a while so thats an upside...

but the depression is killing me.


:(

meg I wish I had the perfect answer, I know I have to keep busy with things that are passionate to me to keep the overwhelming emotions at bay.

Having a good friend that is supportive to just be there and never critiisize, a relative like your aunt that you can chat with a few times a week. A club, scrapbook your trip to look at the memories,
I wish our stay had been a bit longer to have seen you,

How is work, are you off school? We are here...so is summer, get a pool membership and makes lots of friends.
Hugs
di :hug:

ive been out of school for a while.


i realize i dont have alot of friends. its mike and mikes family. and whoever hes friends with.

his sisters wedding in july 10th and im going, my friend liz's baby shower is july 11th, followed by mikes godsons christening the 12th and my friend liz's wedding is aug 15th and im in it...hectic

i dont even know.

are you still working full time? any chance for friends there?
There are meet up groups on line that link people up with other people about different interests go to www.meetup.com
type in your area code or city and see what comes up. You would be so surprised at some of the groups.
Shoot you could even start a group if you wanted to.
thanks for checking in.
beth
I am sorry that you are depressed.....:(

I'm still working full time but the 1 girl I was mostly friends with transfered stores...I've hung out with another girl once or twice but not as often as I'd like.


There's a new girl who seems friendly enough and she wants to hang out. I dunno in the mood I've been in I can't stand being around other people.


:(

maybe you can meet her for a cup of coffee? something with out being committed for a long period of time...or even watch a movie?I would jump at the chance to have someone actually want to hang out with me.
Girl friends are great!
beth

I wish I knew what to do with my time. If I'm not at work (and even if I'm at work) and I'm not with Mike all I do is mope. I've gone over my friend Lizzys house lately (she's pregnant -due in sept, and is getting married in august, I don't know about all that but w/e) and that's fine and all but I need something more.

I can only sleep so much.

Once July 1st rolls around ill have health insurance I'm going to call and start my search for a tdoc. We all clearly know how the pdoc I had made me feel so I'm hoping a tdoc will help.

I'm also probabaly paranoid since I haven't had health insurance but within the past month I've noticed some stuff.

I go to the bathroom way more frequently, I'm always hungry even after I eat, and the other day I was in the car driving with mike (he was actually driving) but I got SO dizzy/lightheaded that I felt like I was going to pass out.

Not like panic attack dizzy but like heat stroke/exhaustion/low blood sugar pass out.


And I may be crazy but everything I have together makes me think I have type II diabeties.

I may be crazy but isn't that how it works. Once you don't have someone to tell you "Yes! You have this" or "no what are you talking about?" You just assume you have everything.

I just don't even know.

here in our small town there is a clinic set up for the working population who don't have insurance. Is there a clinic that you could go to and jsut ask them to check your blood sugar?
you would go in fasting I think any walk in clinic could do this for you?
It might cost you an office visit but it would ease your mind.
beth

I might look into that, I work at a pharmacy but they don't do that. I won't have insurance till July 1st. At CVS where I work they have this thing called the minute clinic where a nurse practicioner is there to prescipbe meds for stuff but I don't think they check blood sugar they don't even check blood presure.

I dunno I'm scared that's all I know

What's it called when the weather effects your mood? I think part of the reason I've been so upset lately is because we've had nothing but rain for so long.

The days we do have sun I always seem to miss it (sleeping late, work,driving somewhere and by the time I get there its raining again, being at my friends house)

Even when its sunny the sky is dark somewhere and there's a rumble of thunder or some sprinkles. Its like God knows the sun makes me feel better but is like even if there is sun there's still a dark cloud over you.

I don't understand. I haven't been so upset/distraught/lost in a while. I think my life has been routine until recently and the changes are killing me.

Not to mention Mike and I have been spending nights apart. He said its due to gas being expensive (we live an hour apart) and I agree but I know its for other reasons also.

We have no intention of seperating but the time apart is doing a number on me. I'm surprized I'm not a sniveling crying mess when he's not around but it still hurts.

Its the time that hurts. Time goes by so slowly and since Mike and I, before this sleeping apart thing happened, were together every day and every night, the times when I'm not at work and not with him are mindnumbing and heartwrenchingly hurtful.


I sit and mope about how my life is in ruins.

Mike and work (most of the time) are the only distractions I have, the only ropes if you will to pull me out of the depths of this hole that is my life.

I've been trying to read, and I want to start a garden but have noo idea what would be good or where to begin. I need distractions and I can't find them.

It doesn't help that the number of friends I have is practically a fraction its so small.

I wish I had the same set schedule every week at work. As you can probabaly tell I like routine/structure/schedule/planning. It makes me feel stable and unworried. I try to live my life with the least amount of unexpected issues/problems as I can. I like knowing what's ahead and I hate surprises.

I need a 'steady' job. Which I classify as Mon-Fri x'oclock to x'oclock everyweek.

Its draining everythingi have at my job now 6am-2pm shifts then 4 to 10pm shifts then 1130a-8p shifts and it changes week to week.

I wanna do something in the health care field but the pharmacy isn't cutting it. I'm terrified to go back to school (I kinda dropped out but I want/need that structure in my life)

A bunch of my friends are taking EMT which in my mind I would love to do but actually doing it, the amount of triggers there are it seems like I wouldn't make it through 1 day.

I want to do something health care related. I'm really into science I'm already a licensed massachusetts pharmacy technician but that really doesn't mean anything to me anymore. Its pretty much a card saying I worked in the pharmacy for 500 hours and I know how to read.

I wish I could fast forward this whole 'inbetween' time and get on with living.

The air I breathe is even defeating me :(

thank you for sharing, it is good to hear about what you are going thru, it halps us kow what is going on with you.
I am sorry you are having a rough time.
The gardening can be as simple or complicted that you want. Depending upon where you live, an apartment with a patio, and what your light source is filtered or direct sun You could grow container plants jsut about anything in a pot. So you could start very simply.
Geraniums are good heat tolerant plants I know that my mother had one that she would bring inside during the winter and leave outside during the summer. We leave ours out year round andd they do well in direct sun. When you go to lowes or home depot the containers will tell you what kind of sun they will need, there will be a insert with writing instructions on it for care. Annuals only last thru the season, perinials come back year after year. mirical grow has potting soil with fertilizer in it already.
I have many potted plants on my patio but we rarely get temperaturs that are freezing so we get by with all kinds of plants, like I have begonias that last year round although they are an annual!
It is good that you are trying to start a hobby, it is fun wantching things grow, remember plants want to live.
As far as your job satisfaction. life is full of changes.
and with any job there will be aspects of the job that you won't like...I know that sounds pesimistic. I think that is just reality.
Maybe you could talk with some counselor at a local techical school about going to learn something in the medical field like radiology. What you are doing now is important work, don't minimise the importance of your work, peoples lives are at stake.
hang in there:hug:
beth

I haven't posted here in a while. and the last post I made I WISH i was at that point in life compared to now.

i just need someone to care :(

I am glad that you came back, we care and are here to listen. Tell us what is going on.
((((HUGS)))):hug:
bizi

So I'm back here because it's getting to much to take.

I've litterally become a shut-in and I cant take it anymore. I feel like I'm living in poverty because I don't have money and my parents don't help with anythign anymore.

I wake up, shower, and sit around all day :( I can't go anywhere cuz I don't have money for gas. I have no where to go because I have no friends. I feel like a complete and utter failure, like a leper that no one wants to see/hang out with.

Mike is around again and I don't even know what to do.

:'( i feel like all i can do is cry.

I am sorry meg,
when did you r job end at the pharmacy?
I am sorry that you are not getting any support from your family any way you could get tod=gether for some famiy counseling?
maybe at a church or a local clinic...you need help and support. If you are idsabled then you will need help getting the proper documation together to prove this and then there would be help for you finacially.
keep posting we are listening...
sorry that it is so hard for you right now....
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Meg,
Sorry that you are having a hard time.
Can you use public transportation?
Getting out might help you.

M.

I wish all of you were here in real life. Why is it I feel my only answer is to go impatient again? :(

Meg
I wish we were there too. Sending you some hugs.

Donna

hi Meg
 

I am sorry, Meg, you sound so lonely. you know, going inpatient is not just for emergencies... it can be the best thing in various situations. so, if you feel that is what would help you the most right now, then, please go ahead and do that. it is not bad, or wrong or "weak" to get the care you need. ok? :hug:

let us know what you decide to do. we are always here for you...

~ waves ~

I need someone :(

Dear Meg,

Hi. How are you?
M.

Dearest Mari,
Things lately have been absolutely wretched. I wake up every morning with the thought in my head that if I just end it today, then tomorrow won't even happen so I'll have no chance to be unhappy. Nothing makes me smile anymore, I just want to be able to go to school and enjoy life like everyone else I see is, but for some reason regardless of what happens I always end up feeling like thiings would be better/easier if I just didn't exist. Everyone aroundme is giving me that 'aww you have so much to live for' stuff and it all sounds so fake and it makes everything worse. is it so much to just want to genuinely smile for once? :'(

Dear Meg,

you sound terribly depressed. can you see a psychiatrist? i think it's worth considering meds. you don't have to keep feeling like this. there are a great many meds that could help you smile again. :)

:hug:

~ waves ~

meg, I wish you flet better. Depression is awful.
I am sorry that you are in this dark place, I agree meds help alot of people. Do you see a psych doc? or therapist?
bizi

hello megan
 

Hi, I hear your pain and confusion. No matter how old we are, all of us at some point experiece this kind of pain. I am new to the list and trobled over other issues, I just want you to know you are not alone, and no matter what happens there are those who would listen. It is ok to do that on this site and others will respond to I am sure. I am 58 f my name is ginnie i have a confused sign on my thread i will keep all of you in my prayers.

I havent seen a dr/tdoc/pdoc for months, I get to anxious/scared going to appointments. School is starting soon and I'd like to get back on the medications I was on when I left the hospital :[



I dont wanna go through the roulette wheel or doctors, I'm sick of feeling disrespected and like a virus :[


hello Ginnie, thank you and welcome to NT. I haven't been on here in some time but it is nice to know that NT continues to have new visitors who find help here.



I just don't know what to do. I just want a one stop shop to get everything all together because I cant be tossed around anymore :[

Dear Meg

it is hard to know what to say.

you want meds.

you don't want doctors.

i hear you. the problem is, you can't get the one you want without the other. can you just see the "doctors" as a gateway to meds and feeling better? i'm sorry you've had bad experiences with them. perhaps try a new person. i've had some good ones with whom i did not feel judged or disrespected.

i want you get help. i am hearing that you want help. you need a professional right now, even if you don't want one. please do what you need to do... see a doctor or go to a hospital, to get your meds, even if you'd prefer not to.

:hug::hug::hug:

~ waves ~