today was terrible.

Ibarely slept at all last night, and had to wake Mike up at 5a. then I went back to "sleep" till 8:30 to shower and get ready for training for CVS at 10am. After 2.5 hours of listening to the manager read the book of whatevers, I left to get gas then go see my Pdoc.

My pdoc took me off wellbutrin because it wasmessing with my sleep and I was having more mood swings on it then ever before. I asked him about a mood stabilizer and hes like "thats only for people with bipolar" as if like me having BP wasn't even an option.

The wellbutrin wasn't doing anything for me. It actually made me more depresssed and kept me from sleeping.

He's also a liar. My first visit he looked into my insurance info and told me my copays were $5 a visit. I asked him for a bill instead of like paying each time because I didn't have a job and I figured it would be easier...

WELL Today I get the bill (there was some confusion over my home address/mailing address cuz theyre different.)

For August (the month I started seeing him) and theres 4 visits. Three that I went to and one missed one.

The Visits are $15 each and $30 for the missed one.

ARE YOU KIDDING!? I'm angry. He said $5 per visit and he never explained cancelled visit costs.

I need a new pdoc, or the next time I see him I'm going to tell him "Hey I started working my schedule is going to be all over the place, so I'll call you when I have a question/comment/concern and we'll meet on an as needed basis"

I litterally feel like I've been duped out of money. I've been going to see this guy for HELP every week for a while and all he wants to talk about is drug interactions nothing about my issues, and he's lied to me and to be honest has treated me terribly.

Next visit I'm going to tell him straight up. I wonly need to see you 'as needed'' and for refills which I'll just call him for, and since I now have a job. after I pay by back copays I'm going to just pay for the visits everytime I go, so If I need to leave at any point I don't leave owing him money.

Once that's all settled I'm going to try to figure out my insurance. If I don't take at least 4 classes next semester, I'm not covered on my dad's insurance which scares the hell out of me.

I need to talk to the school councelor guy and explain about school/insurance/the disailities department because apparently the disabilities deparment can give you like a reduced course load but keep you on insurance.

All of this is so hectic and confusing it makes me dizzy. Everything is connected and I don't like it. I want to be able to knock items off my 'To Do' list but I can't take care of one thing till I do other things and those other things can't be done without parts of other things and it's just a circle I keep running myself in. I need an outside influence to straighten me out.

I hate that I have to say that but I need help. I'm dependent on other people when I'm in trouble or can't figure it out on my own. I need a therapist/life couch, someone to help me straighten everything out and move in the right direction.

I feel like its roadblock after wrong turn after dead end after rotary and I can't just get the things done I need to get done. I need help.

I get so discouraged and upset that I can't just DO ANYTHING on my own.


I almost had a panic attack after the CVS training because I'm working tomorrow and for a while I had no idea where my SSC was. I asked my dad if it was in his safe, and it was. I was all worked up and worried about not having it tomorrow but I had it at the end.

Litterally when I got out to my car after the interview I was tweaking out, organizing all the paper work and putting my sweatshirt and all that back together and all organized on my seat and putting my seat belt on and turning on my windshield wipers I was getting so overwhelmed because there was no order I was trying to do so much at once and its been raining so I couldn't see out my back window (no back wiper) or side windows and I was afraid of hitting things (i'm terrified of driving to begin with)

and on top of all of THAT its been VERY VERY windy so all the leaves are on the roads and theyre wet and my tires spin in the wet leaves and it scares me so much that i'll try to pull out onto a main road or through an intersection and because my tires don't 'catch' i start slow and i'm going to get hit.

I'm going to mikes house tonight and I'm terrified of driving out there and I'm nervouse for work tomorrow.


The description of the pharmacy job sounds like its going to make me VERY anxiou sand feel rushed and overwhelmed. The manager kept saying 'busy', and 'hurried' and 'quickly' and 'always moving' and I was getting dizzy/anxious/ getting a terrible ball in my stomach just with hes explaining it.

He was explaining how you can advance in the company, and he said if you want to do x amount of training you can be inventory specialist and I got excited because I love organizing and making sure things are in order.

That's why I'm interested in Medical Coding/Transcription or Acounting. It's all making sure everything is filled out and organized and ORDERLY. I would honestly love to fill out paper work all day or do data entry. Those jobs, just thinking about them makes me feel better. The manager of CVS said 'if you think this job is task related youre wrong' which I'm upset about, I'd honestly love to sit there for an 8 hour shift and just count out pills and fill bottles, but he sai deveryone rotates and I'm like :/

I know they're not going to be sympathetic to my anxiety/depression and if I'm anxious of whatever or feeling overwhelmed they're going to be like, "hurry up!" or "lets move it!" or something and I'm terrified I'll have a panic attack =/

I just wanna cry and lie in bed. :(

and lets not even talk about how no matter what I do for a job I'm never going to be able to afford a place of my own, or a new car that i feel SAFE in or any of that. Everything is so dizzying..

I need school to make money,but I need to work alot now to make money, but I need to go to school to keep my insurance, but I have to work to pay copays and gas and clothing and just typing this is making me overwhelmed and dizzy :(

Dear Meg,

I'll get back to the other issues in your post later.

Please listen to me now.
Do whatever you can to keep your medical insurance.


Mari

oh I am mad at your pdoc.
I would highly encourage you to get another one.
Usually there is a phone number that you call for your benefits office under your insurance and they can tell you the specifics about your plan.
It is common to have to pay more for a missed visit.
My plan has a $200 dollar deductable that I have to pay out of pocket before, then I pay 20% of the contracted rate...which is about $15 a visit. But each plan is different.

You are feeling overwhelmed because all of this is new and you need to get your moods stabilized so that you can make some decisions.
What about school this semester, are you taking incompletes or are you trying to finish?
my guess is that if you work full time at cvs then you will beable to have insurance even some part time employees can get insurance so ask.
My guess is that you will have tasks that you will complete and move onto the next job...this is a very precise business...I don't think there is alot of gray areas in a pharmacy.
Does that make sense?
bizi

im taking incompletes, id like to take a few classes next semester if I can, and then see if the disabilities department will help me take like a few classes (1 or 2) and still get to keep my dads insurance.

everything about insurance terrifies me. i got a bill in the mail for $800 some odd dollars from a ER visit for a panic attack because the hospital had my old insurance on record I almost fainted.

I'm going on like 8 hours of sleep from the past 4 days... I'm going to bed now until I have to go to work to train for 4 hours.


:( i hope I can sleep.

Dear Meg,
Do you have any adults in your life who care about your mental health?
You sound like you are doing too much alone.
Find an advocate. Get an aunt or a cousin or anyone to walk you through getting better.
Also, get a better pdoc. This one is a turkey. (gobble gobble)

Mari

Meg, I understand your frustrations but please check your insurance...

Many insurace companies look at incompletes as not attending at all for which they can and many will drop coverage until proof of full time student status and course completion is provided.

I don't mean to upset you just wanted you to be aware...

Also check with your schools financial aid department.... you may be eligible for Work-Study program. This is where you work a few hours a week, usually for some department there at the school. This may be easier than working at CVS for now.

I know this sounds crazy and I'm sure you've heard this before...but stop, close your eyes and take a few long, slow, deep breaths. It really does work.

:hug:
Abbie

Well the 'adults' in my life currently are my parents, Mike, my pdoc, school councelor, and my friend Lizzys mom.

My parents don't believe what I have is an issue, and they're not aware I haven't been going to school. I'm afraid to tell them because they'll get angry at me and my mom drinks so I'm not trying to have her hurt me (physically or mentally).

Mike has been somewhat helpful but is more of a bystander, just listens to my problems never suggests how to help them or offers to help me think of ways to help myself. He isn't proactive just kinda hears what I'm saying, hugs me and tries to make me feel better. Its nice when I'm immediately upset, but when I'm angry/getting panicy i feel like he's smothering me and I just need SOMEONE to help me get what I need. Mike's also the only one who knows I haven't been going to school.

We all are aware my pdoc is terrible.

My school councelor so far is the only one who gets it. He doesn't know I haven't been going to classes but I'm even more afraid to tell him because he works for my school and if I'm not taking any classes I'm not allowed to see him, but he did say if I stopped going there he would still help me but I'd rather just be able to go see him. I really need to go to the disabilities department and be like "is there anyway to take only 1 or 2 classes and still be concidered a fulltime student for insurance sake".

Lizzys mom is hit or miss. Most of the time she tells me "Oh its all in your head I went through everything youre going through, you need to just get off your butt and go walking everyday. youre doing it all to yourself. just Stop youre being rediculous" She thinks she has the answers to everything because she has MS and has been through so much. I'm not saying people with MS have it easy, but she uses her MS like "Oh I'm always hurt, listen to me because clearly I'm worse off then you" in a terribly mean tone/attitude so I don'y really like talking to her about it because one second she'll make me feel like she cares, and then shes like "get over it" which just makes me depressed and upset but I dont tell her that I just kinda sit there and take it. She's kinda on my case about school too but doesnt know that i dont go.



I seriously need help from someone other then who I have now, to guide me along because I've had that type of figure my whole life and now I don't. I'm severely dependent and litterally can't function on my own.

(have to shower will write more after)

just kidding i need to finish getting ready for work 4-8, im coming home before i go to mike's so i might update then.


added:
I'm really jealous of all of you with good doctors, and you guys having it all figured out. I really don't know how you do it, you're lucky. I'm so happy you guys have it figured out cuz if you guys didn't I'd be worse off then I already am.

:hug:

what are you just kidding about?
bizi

being able to post after my shower.


today is such a crumby day.

Meg...

Why is today a crummy day?? Did something happen?? or did something not happen that you were expecting?? Remember not everything in life turns out as we expect.

Sometimes we hold people to higher expectations than they hold themselves... and this is where a lot of people get hurt...because if they don't think enough of themselves...odds are they don't think to highly of others.

How is your new job coming along??
I know what you are learning there as my sister worked her way up from newbie to Assistant Store Manager w/CVS and should have her own store within the next couple of years. She said to tell you to take it easy...ask questions--there are no dumb questions only dumb if not asked....and have fun.

Hope you have a better tomorrow...

:grouphug:
Abbie

i am having one of my mood swings. I am EXTREMLY mad, like VERY VERY mad, not at anythign specifically just really very very angry and I feel like everyone doesn't care.

I DONT UNDERSTAND. WHY DO GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO TERRIBLE PEOPLE AND THE PEOPLE WHO DESERVE HELP AND A BREAK GET NOTHING?!

and im not trying to be like HEY I DESERVE EVERYTHING but seriously....i cant even get any effing help!? I'M 18 AND I HAVE ISSUES, THEY'RE NOT PHYSICAL ISSUES BUT THEY HINDER MY EXISTANCE DOES NYONE CARE?!

apparently not, and no one wants to help.



I need to save up some money and get a plane ticket and just move to England or something. I don't care just somewhere where no one nos me and they're more helpful. Australia seems nice, I could totally see myself moving there.

this is all to much and im starting to get so fed up that im trying to think of every alternative other than suicide and my list is very short.



everything effects everything else, its like each problem i have is a 10 gallon bucket. when i try to deal with one, i get a bucket poured on me in the hole im in, and each bucket is connected so one bucket pukks another bucket down, till now when its getting to the point im going to drown and im going to be done. gone.

please. please. someone just help me. Somehow. i cant do ANYTHING anymore.

Oh Meg.....major loving hugs coming your way! :hug:

I feel your pain and I wish I had the magic answers for you, but I don't!

I'm in Australia, and yes we are nice.....well I think I am nice, and I know my friends certainly are nice.....but we're the same as every other country! There are good and bad everywhere. It's what you make it yourself that makes each place special!

Please don't think about running away to another country. You'd have no job, no friends, no social structure....no nothing! You'd be more alone in "the idyllic" country than you are in your own area that you hate so much!

Maybe you could consider moving to a different part of your own country, but please stay where you understand the politics of work, money and socialization.

Have a look around if that's what you want....but don't move too far away that you lose touch with the norm of every day living.

Meg...

What exactly are you mad at????

What kind of help do you need??? What kind of help do you expect others to give/provide to you?? What do you expect to get out of the help you are able to receive???

I really do understand the need to run... to go to someplace where no one knows you... I did that. I saved up money.... packed my bags... told no one... and I moved overseas... lived there for several months.... GUESS WHAT!!! The problems that I was running from...well they came right along with me and stayed with me once I moved back to the U.S., but...one step at a time... the problems, worries, and concerns I was running from...crumbled into nothing.

I found people pretty much the same no matter where I went. Pretty much the same as where I left from....

I found that if I wanted help.. I had to help myself first before anyone anywhere was willing to help me. I had to take the first steps...I had to make the effort.

I understand you are 18 and life in general has you overwhelmed right now. You are out of highschool... possibly expected to find a way to make it on your own...but my guess is you really have no clue which way to go or what to do. **I say this as I've been there...done that.

Growing up is frightening and extremely overwhelming!!!! To be honest... you sound like the majority of 18yr old young adults everywhere.

:hug:
Abbie

Dear Meg,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so yucky.
Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
Give yourself a hug for me.

http://bestsmileys.com/hugging/4.gif

It sounds from you that the counselor at school is your best bet for now.

Call her Monday and start seeing her more regularly.
Tell her everything, including about your classes.

She needs to see the whole picture so she can help you.

You can help yourself by reaching out to her.


Let her know that you are in huge need of help.

And get a new pdoc Monday too.
You need people who are pulling for you.

The pdoc needs to be someone on your team.

And remember to hold on. You'll get through all these things that are bothering. You really will.



Mari

Here's a brief list of things that have heppened in the past few weeks:
-started work at the pharmacy
-ER visit (not panic attack but for my ribs)
-i told my dad im not going to school next semester
-i need to find heath care NOW.


and on top of it all, today is , unfortunately, my birthday.

I'll update tonight after work (im working 2-10)

the pharmacy doesn't offer any health insurance? or only full time employees?
How is work going?
how did your dad take your school issues?
I hope you had something nice for your birthday.
bizi

i have to ask the pharmacy about insurance.
wwork was for a time, fun now its terrble
dad was okay he just said i csant be on his insurance

i had a terrible birthday.

I hate to say this but there are alot of folks who work at jobs that they don't love because it provides health insurance and money which we all need to live.
HOw satisfied we are in our jobs has a lot to do with how we perceive our roles.
attitude is everything.
hang in there keep posting we are here to listen.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

so im sorry i havent been able to update ive been working rediculously much.

i guess thats good cuz i got paid and im working to pay off my Disney vacation.

I haven't seen my pdoc in a while and I have yet to ask about heath insurance,and i think im starting to develop something.


I asked for early hours (like 7:30-3) but the manager said its not gonna happen....didnt give me a reason...but i found out the reason.

Its because this girl who was hired AFTER me and isnt even trained as much as I am in the pharmacy is getting those hours. The pharmacists complain that the girl doesnt know what shes doing and constantly asks questions and wont even try to find perscriptions. I know more stuff then her and I've been there longer. I can fill perscriptions on the computer, refill them, check if theyre ready, check if theyre sent from the doctor and everything. She CONSTANTLY asks questions to me and the pharmacists and we have other things to do, shes completely reliant on everyone else and it makes me mad because I work my @$$ off and I get terrible hours.


but back to this thing I think im developing.

I've been working later hours (2-10, 4-midnight, 12-8) and closer to the end of my shift (usually with an hour or so until the end of my shift) ill get VERY dizzy and VERY warm and ill turn bright red all over my face and neck/chest. I dont know what it is but the longer im at work into the later hours i start feeling worse and worse.

this whole week ive been working 12-8 and it hasnt been as bad but its still not good and on top of that i usually come home in a TERRIBLE mood i ge so mad over how the whole day has gone and even if the littlest thing goes wrong at work or someone bohers me even a tiny bit i get SOO mad/upset. and i feel terrible because i get out of work and mikes there and i feel like im taking out my anger on him and i feel bad cuz i dont mean to at all its just im so mad and have no way to get it out so i dont even know what to do.


I really want/need those hours not even becase it would be better for me in general but my body is legit telling me hey youre working to late which has never happened to me before.

I dont know I'd prefer to have a job with 'school hours' like 7-4 or something because for years and years and years tthats what my schedule was. i went to school from early until the early afternoon and now im working all sorts of crazy hours and with college being choose your own times, i CHOSE earlier classes. I dont even know.

im kinda back. im not doing okay. :(

tell us what is happening to you.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time right now.
I am glad that you have a job in this terrible economy.
beth

Hi,
Can you see a doctor if you need to?
Do you have some sort of medical insurance or some way to get it?
M.

my job is barely a job, i have the least amount of hours out of everyone in the pharmacy this week and next. all the pharmacists keep telling me i'm doing well and other people are doing not so well and that theyre confused as to why i get the least amount of hours. ive come in early when they needed me, covered for people on my days off ( one week i covered for 2 people and worked 14days straight no days off) sometimes ill skip my break if the pharmacy is busy and im not saying i deserve a medal but at least recognition would be cool.


im also starting to feel VERY lonely. im still with mike and we've been doing so well, but i have no friends, and nothing to do,and no where to go when were both not at work. ive planned a disney trip for may and its all i think/talk about because i dont do anything else. i spend 60% of my free time on a disney planning forum, and the rest of my free time is either lying in bed with mike or driving.

i wish i had health insurance. as of the 31st im not on my dads plan anymore cuz im not going back to school next semester, but CVS cut my hours just in time to screw me up, with the hours im working ill BARELY make 100 take home a week, and the health insurance (for even part time) is like 23 bucks a week, 23 out of 300 isnt bad but 23 out of 95 is bad.

on top of that, i live in Massachusetts, where on our taxes theres a spot to put in our health insurance card number, they verify it and if it doesnt work, you get a fine of over 900 dollars because its state law in MA to have health insurance....there is NO way i can afford 900 because i dont have health insurance (especially since i cant even afford the health insurance itself!)

i dunno where to go/turn to. i need health insurance now. i was trying to look into getting MassHealth or something, but i cant figure any of it out, i read page after page and everything just swims in my head and i cant even think about it all without getting dizzy.

i feel like im not even myself, i feel like im an unfun, corperate, cold, outer shell of myself and its driving me insane. i cant sleep, i hate eating, i just wanna get out/leave. the snow here is making me crazy, i have panicy thoughts/feelings almost daily. im litterally physically hurting all the time, i feel like the world is just trying to hold me down.


thats part of the reason im so involved with disney, when on the boards, or planning in my notebook, or talking about disney everything just stops. im actually happy and i laugh and smile, nothing really else does that for me, except mike sometimes.


i just want things to go back to the fun way they were, i know i said i wanted things between me and mike to be more serious and more 'married like' but i didnt want it to be so heavy all at once, i was hoping to ease into it a little slower but now were in the thick of it and i feel like im asking about ways to spice up my marriage its kinda weird.


i feel like mikes family looks at me like the young immature little girl and they constantly rag on me and make me feel terrible, then if i say it upsets me, they tell me oh lighten up thats how we do things around here, but when they bother me, i cant tell if theyre joking or serious.


my mind, body and heart hurt. :(

Meg,
It is so good to see you post. I was wondering how you have been.
I would check into staying on your dad's insurance as a disabled dependant and see what happens. If you had symptoms and difficuty with maintaining school, job, since you were under 18, or high school ? Maybe 21 then you should try to apply for Soc sec and assistance to ave coverage.

I had two children maintained as adults on step dads insurance because their disability was prior to 18...Even though they tried to work.
You need to see if this new symptoms is related to something like RSD, fybromyalgia or auto immunine, but it will be difficult to take care of yourself without insurance.
Ask your Dad o find out how to have you kept on for disability.....

Then apply everywhere for anything to keep you going while you find out health wise how to get better.
Hugs
di

Dear Meg,
Sometimes we do not get better all by ourselves. Just like it takes a village to raise a child, it can take a village to get better. You need to reach out and find help.


We need the help of very good doctors and family. If family can't handle it, we need to do even more for ourselves by finding professionals who can point us in the right direction.

Mari

Meg

I'm sending hugs and hoping that you start to feel better soon.

I have no exact answers. But I agree get dad to look into the
insurance its possible that you can stay on because of being disabled.

Donna

required health insurance
 

Hi,
I have heard that our next president might do a national health plan that is similar to the one in Massachusetts.



How much is the insurance????

Mari

so friday i was supposed to go to a focus group on Friday for CVS. I was told it was January 9th from 1pm-5pm and it was at the corprate building in RI (a good hr and a half drive from my house) I agreed to go and was to be paid for the trip and everything.

So Friday I went to Rhode Island and went to six different CVS HQ buildings. No one knew what I was talking about...so Eventually after an hour of putting around looking for this place, one woman got my Regional Pharmacy Supervisor on the phone and she told me the group was 2 days before. I essentially drove to RI for nothing.

and on top of that my poor car is so light, i felt like i was going to be blown off the road with the winds that day. i was terrified driving my car all the way down, and all the way back and it was all for nothing. almost had a panic attack on the side of the highway. it was all too much and it wasnt fair to me.

i dont even know anymore.

I recently looked at myself in the mirror and almost becme physically sick. i almost threw up looking at how much weigh ive gained (when i get anxious/stressed/upset i eat when i should be writing)

with my days off i just do nothing. i wish I had money for a gym membership or something.

I really want/need a pedometer. I wanna try the 10,000 steps a day thing and drink water.



I just need help. I feel myself hiding in a corner :(

i am beyong exhausted with living.

quick note due to time limits,
jsut wanted to reach out to you.
I know that you are struggling, know that you are struggling with alot of other people too.
you are not alone.
I wish Ihad some other advice, maybe apply for another cvs job somewhere else?
so you could get more hours to get the health insurance that you really need to have.
((((HUGS))))
beth

Hi Meg
 

Hello Meg,

Nice to meet you. I saw your thread bump up earlier tonight but before posting i wanted to catch up... that took me a while, you can imagine. i am physically a bit under the weather still so it took me a good couple hours andthensome.

In other places in the thread you have mentioned being sick of things and having a "very short list" of alternatives...

Believe me i know how exhausting living can be. I had my first really bad depression when i was your age, and messed up in a lot of respects because i didn't "realize" there were solutions. I didn't withdraw from school i flunked out. You are aware of some of your issues already, where i sort of just took mine as inevitable. Anxiety is a real btch because it puts the brakes on us from being proactive. Take one step at a time.

As has been said before in your thread, sometimes it takes time for the chips to fall into place. uncomfortable time, painful time sure, but things can get better.

Please don't give up.

And if you start making short lists of alternatives, please remember that suicide is PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem. Just about everything in life is temporary. Moods are temporary. About the only thing that never changes is change itself. I read that you dislike change, but change can and will get you out of the crud you are experiencing.

Now, as for your health insurance... how do you get along with your boss... would he give you a good reference? if you can't get more hours there, what about a job at another pharmacy? you would come in with experience. Also you would get a fresh start with the whole hours thing.

I can't help feeling that you are somehow getting the short end of the stick there. It may be a question of being assertive enough, but you have asked for what you needed. also it doesn't make sense that after working extra shifts they would cut your hours. Do you know why they did this? Could you confront your boss with it... simply ask him plain and simple... perhaps adding that you would actually appreciate more hours because you would like to get health insurance from them, but your budget wouldn't allow it with the hours they have cut you down to - it is a very, very reasonable motivator. And EVERYONE needs health insurance so it would not be odd your asking.

Have you talked to your school counselor again? I wish you would. He sounded like someone you trust. He said he would take you on privately at one point... I would talk to him and see what he suggests for you. He might be able to help you make a plan. In person. Then you will feel more in control.

I hope you are feeling a bit better by now. The one horrible thing about mood swings is the unpredictability. But the good thing about them is the "upswings." I hope you have had some relief and were able to feel some happiness.

Please check in when you can.

~ waves ~ an oldie just recently returned.

i. cant. do. this. any. longer.

Meg
 

Please talk.

Write what is going on.

In your head, outside your head?

Are you in touch with your aunt?

Have you called your counselor?

keep reaching out, here, and also with them.

Are you still with Mike?

It sounds like *something* has all of a sudden set you off... or built up and exploded...

Please, post more words. What is happening, Meg?

:hug:

~ waves ~

Meg
 

I feel that you could benefit by talking to someone. I know phone is not your favorite but the assistants are trained to help you get through even if you get anxious.

These calls are FREE.

You have nothing to lose. it doesn't matter if you freak out or cry on the phone - the assistants are trained to help you get through.

Phone numbers-

1-800-SUICIDE
1-800-784-2433

Teen Hotline-
1-888-747-TEEN
1-888-747-8336

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255

Deaf Hotline for TTY users -
1-800-799-4TTY
1-800-799-4889

i am very worried about you. please check in again and let us know *something* of what is going on, please.

~ waves ~

more then i could possibly put down in one sitting, it hurts my head and makes me dizzy to think about all the things I cant control:Sigh:

not anymore, shes starting to behave like my parents and think my panic attacks and anxiety issues are made up and fake.


no i feel like im not allowed to call or talk to him cuz im not going to classes this semester so i feel like id be stepping over my bounds in contacting him and i feel like if i just pop back up out of no where he'll question me about all this stuff and i dont wanna deal with it all at once:(

yes im still with mike, he was there the other day when i had a panic attack on his bed and he didnt know what to do. he just kinda tried to prop me up, but it didnt help because i get even more dizzy if i stand/sit up, so it took him a good 20 mins to realize i needed to stay lying down or hunched over.



everything is happening.
i have no health insurance which is one of my biggest worries.
i feel like im getting strept throat but theres no way to get anything for it or get checked out because i have no health insurance.
i cant call out of work because i wont have enough money for gas to MAKE it to work.
i have a vacation planned to disney world in may (my happy place, straight up. i feel like i could never ever have a panic attack there, i went for a week last year and i have never been happier/more relaxed/more calm then that week)

i owe a lot of money still to pay off my vacation, and im fearing for the worst that ill have to cancel it.

people keep telling me its stupid im going to disney and i could use that money for something else and in a sense i agree, but im not trying to sound stupid but the trip will save my sanity. like, whenever im feeling anxious or upset i think about being in Disney and riding Big Thunder Mountain, or lying on a hammock on the beach at our resort with Mike and not having to worry about whats going on 1500 miles away because it doesnt concern me. its like one big dream when im there, and people always say "wow, im surprised you dont have panic attacks @ Disney with all the people" but i dont. because in all honestly i dont notice the other people because im so caught up in my magical getaway that even the lines dont bother me.


i dont even know.

i feel like my body is doing things and my mind is prisoner to what my body wants to do...wake up, go to work, eat, sleep, repeat repeat repeat...

its endless and im tired of it, instead of moving on down the road of Life im stuck in a rotary....

:( get me out of here.

ive called them before and everyone ive talked to was just like "im sorry, oh thats too bad, oh im sorry thats terrible" not helpful at all...

i wish it didnt feel so taboo to talk to mr edwards :( he actually GOT it.

Meg. CALL him ... no taboo. he's a human being.
 

I think one thing stands out.

Mr Edwards is helpful to you and is kind.

What if you started out saying you were overwhelmed and tho you knew, because no longer in school, that you do not have access to his services, you are beside yourself and DO NOT HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO TURN TO.

Could you try that? If he starts asking questions, answer the first one with, i was afraid you would ask me a lot of questions. i'm so sorry but it is really overwhelming right now. can we just let things come out gradually?

You say he GETS it. then i think he will be receptive to this.

Do you think you could give it a try?

Just give it a try?

What do you have to lose? If you don't call him, you have lost to begin with. IF you do, you might not gain anything - but THEN AGAIN, YOU MIGHT.

It's worth a TRY. Remember he's a human being, not a school service robot. He has a heart, and i believe from all you have said of him and yes i have read all this whole thread, ok, that he really does care about you.

Please give it a shot. That's step one.

no more steps for now.

one thing at a time.

Disney no Disney... sure i could carry on a bit about that but... not now.

Call Mr. Edwards. step one. focus on just that. no taboo. you are calling another human being who cares. the result is open ended. do not allow yourself to jump to those taboo conclusions!

:hug:

~ waves ~

Meg, please take care
 

Dear Meg,
I am worried about you.
Get someone to drive you to the hospital.
Ask to see a psychiatrist.

Perhaps you need to be evaluated and cared for.

The hospital can help you with the insurance papers -- that's how it works here -- not sure about where you live.


Mari