I am really impressed with you. It sounds as if you turned a significant corner. Now you just have to remember to take baby steps and be ready to have some fall backs. That is normal and to be expected....but gradually...
bobby

I was given a physical, blood work, chest x-ray (I have a cold) and they did an EKG. I met with an anesthesiologist to discuss the process. She said I would be under anesthesia for approx. 15 mins and would be given a muscle relaxant so my body would remain still through the process. The doctor who does the actual ECT then visited me and I asked him tons of questions. He calmed my fears about my brain and the process and having these done again. My brain is super important to me I have all sort of concerns about the procedure and its effect on my intellectual abilities. The doctor told me that I may have some short term memory loss for around the time of the treatments, but that most of those would come back within a few weeks of the treatments ending. Last time it took a lot longer and I still have big memory problems and have a hard time remembering new stuff.

The only problem was the EKG showed sinus arrhythmia. The tech said it could be caused by stress but they’ll repeat it on Monday. They also said they’d give me something for headaches and nausea. They’re planning on giving me 9 treatments and hopefully this will work and give me my life back.

I am glad that you had such a responsive visit and that they answered all of your questions...it sounds like they are going to do everything possible to make you comfortable.
thanks for posting and take care of that cold!
(((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

This is good progress, BJ.
Things are moving along.
Do you have to stop taking any of your meds over the weekend?
Mari

Yes Mari I had to stop taking all my meds on Thursday because they said anything with antidepressant qualities can cause seizures while you’re getting ECTs. This past week I cut back on the Lamictal and Thursday stopped it altogether.

My pdoc is back in town and she called and wanted to make sure I had all the testing done. And she wanted to reassure me that she’d be there on Monday. She also knows that I’m not taking any meds and that I could call her any time over the weekend if I feel bad or I get the urge to cut.

I also asked her about some of the things the doc doing the ECTs said. I didn’t understand but said I did. I heard him say the word “bilateral”. I asked her what that meant and she said they’re doing it to both sides of my head for the first few to see how it goes. For some it works quicker than on one side but memory deficits are more acute. She realizes how fast I have to get better. I was just so glad she called and reassured me she'd be there.

I often wonder if the medications and the therapy don't work, because I'm not depressed, I'm not mentally ill, I'm not BP. Maybe I'm simply stubborn and lost. I hate who I am, and I feel like I made myself this way and I told her that. She said I’ve done nothing to deserve this, it’s a chemical imbalance.

BJ,

Well it is good that you asked her.
I mean, you're not performing the procedure, so you don't have to exactly know what it is, but still.
Maybe you WILL get some good effects early. That will be nice.

I understand the impulse to question the dx --esp if you don't see results you want. I don't have good answers. Maybe keep questioning but also keep trusting in the process of going through these steps to get better.
Trust the pdoc. She sounds good.

When my friend had ECT, he was not allowed to drive until they were all finished. I guess people forget where they are going or loose track of directions. Were you told not to drive? Just wondering.

I hope that you are enjoying your weekend knowing that Monday things will start improving for you.

Mari

BJ

I am so impressed with the way you are handling yourself. And I'm
more impressed that you are going through this procedure.

I'm going to be thinking about you on Monday when I'm in my meeting.

Donna

Dear girlie,
You are being way too hard on yourself.
Of course this is an illness, IT IS NOT your fault!
Even so, I want you to know that you have many people on your side...rooting for you.
Know that you are not alone in this...and that we will help to support you in your journey.
Also know that there are many many people who suffer just like you, you are not alone in this suffering either.
I wish you wellness.
and I too will be thinking about you on monday.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Good going. Way to go. I'm proud of you. You have more courage then many,and are going to end up on both feet. Wow. Brokenfriend

I just want the old me back. I’m just really frustrated right now. I feel I should be able to do what I did when I was well; things like work, and read, and remember things, and not have difficulty doing simple tasks.

I still can’t read. I used to be able to have 5-6 books on the go at any given time. I could leave a book for months and pick up where I left off, remembering the plot, characters and themes from what I had read previously. This seemed like a simple, everyday thing to me.

Now I pick up a book, read a chapter, and sometimes, even while reading that chapter get confused, because I can’t remember who is who, or what is going on. I often read and re-read the same paragraph or pages over again because I get lost and cannot figure out where I got off track. If I read a chapter and put the book down for a couple days and then pick it up again I can’t remember what happened in the previous chapter/chapters, so I become frustrated and feel stupid and lose the desire to keep reading the book.

It’s not just reading. I watch a movie, and a week later I can’t remember most of the plot line. I remember I liked it, or hated it, but can’t remember what it was about.

I feel so stupid, when before I felt like I was very intelligent. It is like I have lost big chunks of memory, or ability to store memories, or ability to learn new things. And now I have to do it all over again and how much memory will I lose this time? Will I even be able to read one page without forgetting what I just read? Will I ever be able to pass the CPA exam when I can’t even read a chapter let alone learn all the formulas and things they say “you must memorize”.

My pdoc told me that my problems are made worse by the way I place negative labels on what is happening. The more negatively I see myself, the more I live up to my own expectations (those are my words, not hers...she said it much better). For example, by calling these things "simple", and then seeing myself unable to do them, I become frustrated that I can’t do "simple" things.

She said the rehabilitation process can take a while and, like someone being rehabilitated to walk again, it can be very frustrating to not just be able to walk like you did before. I guess I thought after my last round of ECTs I would magically become my old self; the self that never really had to try very hard to succeed at anything I tried. And I guess once again I was wrong.

About driving, no I’m not supposed to drive after treatments until my motor and cognitive skills are okay. Last time I was in the hospital so I didn’t have to worry about it. This time I’ll be home but I have to do what I have to do. I still want to get Hooper out to the park and I can’t take that away from her. I do have a GPS and I have to learn to trust what she says. I get lost all the time because I disassociate while I’m driving and I know that. I went to church this morning and got lost coming home. I don’t even remember driving home right now. I have so many things on my mind and I'm so worried about what will happen tomorrow after these treatments.