Love ya BJ
 

These therapists,and doctors don't really fathom how deep these things are,and they are deep. They couldn't,unless they have experienced it first hand. I grind my teeth in my sleep. Why do I? Deep.

Hang in there. Call your doctor as soon as you can again.Tell her all of your symptoms.

Love ya sweetie. I understand the depth of these problems. I wish that a bunch of us could live in a dorm, and help each other through the day,and night.

I'm glad that we have this website. BF

Dear BJ,
You can refuse treatment.
The pdoc is trying to help. She will listen to you.
Mari

Dear BJ
 

Are you OK? Talk to your doctor. Tell her all that you are concerned about. Talk about all of the symptoms. What about medications? BF

I'm worried about you BJ

Let us know how you are.

Donna

Dear BJ,
'Hoping that you are feeling safe and ok.
Maybe you are feeling some improvement.
Mari

I don't know what to say or write anymore. I’ve been too sick and nauseous to do much of anything.

There were a couple bad days, but for me, I was doing pretty good. And now that peace is gone. I know the trigger. There's nothing I can do to get away from it. I'm making lots of conscious effort to combat what's going on inside my head, but it's having very little effect. There's this great blackness taking over me.

I cry everyday when I get up. I would sleep all day if I could shut off this hateful internal dialogue for more than a few minutes. I abandon everything I try to do because the voice in my head keeps telling me what I'm doing isn't good enough, makes no difference, or is useless. I've wanted to reply to several posts here but just kept thinking how stupid my responses sounded so I never replied to any.

My elderly lady friend who’s been taking me for treatments fell and broke her hip yesterday and they’re going to operate on Monday and then she’ll be going to rehab. I can’t even go up to see her because I can’t drive. I took Hooper to the school yesterday just 2 blocks away and couldn’t remember how to get home. I felt so stupid asking someone how to get back. They probably thought I was drunk because my eyes were all swollen from crying.

I had to call the hospital and tell them I have no way to get there for treatments. Now they’re sending one of those old people buses to pick me up and take me home. I hate going there alone but I have no choice. I’ve had 6 bilateral ECTs so far and I have 3 more this week. I’m just waiting for a miracle because I can't stand all the side effects from these. I feel like a zombie walking around.

I want to feel again so I did as I have done in the past. It had no effect so I tried something else and it worked. I feel stupid, but I need to feel.

Thank you for reaching out to me Bizi :hug:

time for a miracle
 

Dear BJ,
You are holding up really well.
I hope that you start feeling better.
If I see any miracles, I will send them your way.
I think you are due for a miracle.

In the meantime, stay out of the car and stay home. Hopper will be patient and good while you go through some time. He's ok. Please.


Mari

I really have no choice Mari. I’m so afraid of going out. I drink bottled water and ran out but I did find 48 bottles of Propel in my pantry. I must have been hypo or something because I don’t even recall buying it.

My pdoc called this afternoon to see how I’m doing. She knows that I’m upset about Mrs. S but can’t do anything about it. She told me after my treatment on Friday they talked about my progress. What they’ve decided is to increase the voltage and the duration of the seizure this week. If that doesn’t work they won’t give me anymore treatments. I’ll probably have a lot of side effects but if she can’t call she’ll have someone from her office call to check on me several times a day. But she promised she’d be there tomorrow since she knows that I’m going alone. They’re going to keep my out a little longer and I won’t be able to leave until the fog clears.

She’s really sure that this will work. She wants me to pretend that Friday’s my birthday and she wants me to make a list of what I want to be or what I want to happen and give it to her tomorrow. She knows that I’ve been SIing again and I honestly think she’s trying to keep my mind busy so I don’t do it.

This is what I want for my "new" birthday:

I am disabled by my depression right now, but I am NOT my disability.
I will accept my disability as a blessing and a gift that allows me the opportunity to grow into the human being I am meant to become.
I will be here today, and present now.
I will not worry about tomorrow.
I will soak up today.
I will see all the beauty in the world, like a new child, through my new eyes.
My life will be full of beauty, and I will recognize that.
My new life will be full of love and I will pass that on.
My new life will be full of compassion, for myself and for others.
I will accept my mental illness as the catalyst, the mother and the origin of, my new and improved life.
And what I told her was I want ice cream.

I just hope my wishes come true.

I wish these things for you as well.
I agree with mari, that it is time for some happyness for you, some contentment...some peace of mind that you are making progress.
keep taking it a day at a time...I know that sounds tritebut know that it really is about taking those baby steps in the same direction....2 steps forward, one step back, brush yoursel foff, 2 steps forward one step back.
"Fall down 7 times get up 8"
I am rooting for you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I am rooting for you too! Big time. I think you have really made progress.
You will have set backs I am sure but that is to be expected. You really sound as if you are finally getting the help you need. I don't think some of us can do it without external help. I know my psychiatrist is my external rock and I see him every other week for maybe fifteen minutes. Those fifteen minutes are so important and if anybody had ever told me that before I started seeing him seven years ago I would have thought they were crazy.
Here we all care so much about you. I hope you can feel it.
Bobby