[Pamster]

*Sigh* he's been torturing me grabbing my chair tires and holding me in place. *Sigh* I understand he's bored but doing anything to my chair ****** me off in the worst way and I am sick of raising my voice to no avail. Nothing works, time outs, nothing. He has been so hard to be around today. Thank god I cancelled the trip to St. Pete, that would have just been a disaster.

*Sigh* Had a rough day, and he stole some of my dinner to boot after inhaling two servings of spagetti he went after mine...it never ends....

[Pamster]

So today I said that's it you really need to go to a group home and Jack pulled away from his work out and we got into it about it. So I am trying again and all but it's not going to work out, I think Jack recognizes that now, it's NOT my fault, but we're just trying to put it off for awhile, but it's not going to work, we're going to have an aide soon and the new behaviorist but I doubt seriously that anything siginificant will change, we did another increase in his risperdal and still he's lke a caged animal.

If school doesn't help I really will give up and call it quits regardless of whether or not the state is ready to place him or not. It needs to happen. Even if Jack is against it and it will cast the three of us to the winds Jackie is just too hard to live with for me. This grabbing my tires today was his latest thing, he was still grabbing me around the neck, crushing my throat and stuff.

I said today to Jack I should have gotten that job even if it wasn't at the right wage, and he was like go back and get it, start your life over, make the biggest mistake you're ever going to make. *Sigh* I just don't think it's going to be that bad on Jackie, but I am willing to try with an aide for awhile and see how it goes...

[megveg]

My dear Pam, you're in my thoughts and prayers. This will all be over soon. Stay strong. If you need anything please don't hesitate to reach out.

[bizi]

HI pammy,
you need to do waht feels right.
You can't deal with jackie on these terms...it sounds awful.
I wish it were easier for you i really do.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Pamster]

If you only knew how bad it's really become...*sigh* I can't go to the bathroom in peace, I can't sit on the sofa or he takes my chair. He's going to be devstated by the placement but he'll recover. It's Jack and I who will have it harder. Emotionally I mean, but then who knows? I do know that he does have emotions, he is as human as the next person, it's just they don't influence him properly and that's part of his problem. Otherwise the emotional barriers of guilt or love would stop him from acting out. And trust me they don't.

He's constantly messing with my chair and it's close to breaking from all the stress it's been under. I feel like my chair, like I am ready to break under all the stress. We're going to do that test trip coming up next week and I am hopeful it will go well. Sadly that damned trip keeps coming up and it's pretty much decided that I have to go. I really hate my life right now. I'm not able to be in control over any aspects of it and it's really bothering me.

The state won't place Jackie for awhile and so far no word from the contact/support worker about the behaviorist or the new behavior assistant/aide we're supposed to get and try for six months. It's really awful. The only thing that keeps me going and the reason I didn't just up and leave to Mom's yesterday is Love, I love Jackie so much and don't want to see him devastated, yet I know this is coming, and now so does Jack, it's just going to have to happen for all of our benefits. *sobs*

Thanks Meg & bizi, I wish it was better already but this is just something we're going to have to go through to get to where it's going to be better. *sigh* Why can't this kid just respect my boundaries? It's all about my disability IMO and how much he can push me and take advantage of my inability to defend myself. He is stronger then me and when he comes over and throws his arms around me I can't break free. It's damned frustrating.

[bizi]

YOu are a very strong woman Pammy.
I admire you.
It doesn't sound fair.
If jackie hurts you can you have intervention...law enforcement?
How are you supposed to protect yourself from him?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Pamster]

I could have law enforcement get involved but they might not know how to be conducting themselves around an autistic pre-teen I am afraid they would hurt him because he fights HARD when he's upset and someone tries to restrain him. It's sad, but I don't think we're going to be able to make it to Christmas with him here. Though who knows? Maybe with an aide....

(((((hugs)))))

[Mari]

Hi, Pam.
Does school start on the 18th?
How does he normally handle school? What kind of environment is he in?

Here's a suggestion: In a quiet moment, call the non-emergency police phone number and ask them how they handle mental health emergencies and crisis intervention in family matters involving a minor child. Also ask if they provide follow up assistance.
Many cities do this.
You do not have to ever use this service, but you might feel better knowing it is available and that you get some trained police officiers to show up if you have to make an emergency call. I feel like information is power. I also feel that it is best to know all your options.

Jack's priorities are messed up -- forgive me --- for worrying about his trip. . . especially since he seems so h$ll bent on stopping you from what you want.

Mari

[Pamster]

That's a good idea Mari, I think I will call them asking about it just to make sure I can use that service should it come to it. That's the only way to know, is to ask. Thank you for suggesting it, very good suggestion.

Yup, school starts on the 18th, he will be starting a new kind of schooling too, Life Skills training, and won't have the same teacher he's had for 4 years, we're planning on going to the open house on the 14th so he can meet the teacher who he probably already knows anyway, and to see the classroom and talk about how much fun it's going to be to go to class there. He loves cleaning and working with food and that kind of stuff is what he'll be up to. He hates the acedemics they have had him doing for the past 5 grades, now he's up to 6th grade.

I think he will do better once he's got the new routien of school, it's just summer which is impossible for him to maintain any kind of sanity during. It's going to be so nice to have him in school, but only if I know he's doing okay. Otherwise I'll sit here worrying about him. The state said we should give the new attempts with behavior intervention six months and then they will talk placement, IF It fails which I am pretty sure it will things will probably lead up to a placement taking place this Christmas Vacation. That is what I think, since they are so stubborn and won't do it based on the stuff we've already done and gone though.

[Mari]

Dear Pam,

6th grade already! Wow. He is growing.
School is good because it brings routine and structure and rules and familiarity and so on.

It'll bring routine and structure to your day too of course. You'll be able to plan your days.
I hope that this new time brings better times for you.

Mari