[Nikko]

Well, I have just about had it. I am broke, it sucks. I am stressed and drained to the max.

So, I am having a Bloody Mary, maybe it will put me to sleep. Actually this is my 2nd. woohoo for me. Going to run out of cigs and that will really put me on a limb. I don't get my check until Wed. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

I have been stretched to the limit. This past week has been bouts of crying and deep depression, then I am okay. Can't explain it really.

Yesterday I took some of those diet Hydroxcut and had energy, which felt good. I even stayed up later. Maybe that's the bomb I need under my butt.

Today, no don't want to do that, messes up my stomach somewhat.

I don't know what I am saying, well I do, but it's all overwhelming and seems to be mounting.

I wish for so many things, I pray, but yet nothing good seems to happen.

One year of illness's with my mom, thank GOD she pulled through, and now this crap with a total abuser of a husband. Then the holidays coming, oh no can't do it, I just can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.......nooooooooooooooooo

I have so much to say, but would take up to much space and who the hell wants to hear it over and over, not me, so not anyone else either.

Everyone enjoy the weekend......wish you were here.

I take you all to court with me when I go, I picture you are all sitting there with me, it helps. Going to take some klonapin for anxiety and sleep and pain meds soon, I rearranged the living room yesterday and now I am paying for it.

If I went to sleep and didn't wake up, it would probably be a blessing. Everytime I tried, it didn't work, so maybe if I don't try so hard, it will work.
Make sense, probably not. Who cares, not me. Can't even check myself in anywhere, who would take care of my mom, well she is doing good now, but the dogs and birds and all. So have to do it my way.

Hugs, Nikko

[Mari]

Dear Nikko,
You sound stressed and anxious and pretty much at wits end.
Please keep taking care of yourself. Believe it or not, you are doing well just by holding on. Keep holding on. These are trying times. And you can get through each day one day at a time and each minute one minute at a time.

I hope that the nap helps.
Mari

[bizi]

Bloody Mary's it be.
Sounds great to me.
try to stay away from those diet things though.....
They may actually cause you more harm then good.
As mari said....
Hang in there...I think you are doing great and we need you here!
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[BJ]

{{{{{Nikko}}}} I'm so sorry you have these feelings right now. You are needed and wanted and we do care. Your mom needs you and we need you.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[Nikko]

Hi, and thanks. I just have this strong feeling/intution that he is going to kill me eventually.

Since once he knows he is looking at a trial, not to even mention jail. He will go into a rage. He will feel that he has nothing left, and there is no way he could get out of it, his life is ruined and it's all my fault. He has no regard for the law, and that point it will then trigger his emotions on me, because he feels it is my fault, and I need to be get rid of.

I know him, I know how he thinks, how he acts, what he does, and I know it's coming in someway, shape or form. I bought small alarms with pierceing sounds for the door, but he could just break the window on the front door. I don't even know how to put them up. LOL The slider's well, they lock 2 different ways, so that might be difficult. Then who's to say it will happen at my house, it could be anywhere, which would give him more time to get away, and get me when least expected.

I bought a chain lock but that won't stop anyone. I have a protection of order, a piece of paper, but it's who gets to who first, if I get to 911 first.

This has been a long time coming, and it's coming. I am not being dramatic here, it's inside me, I feel it, I know it, I feel the hatered in the court room.

I am as about as prepared as I can be. Forget me moving, I can't do it finacially, no way. I can't go to a safe house after Thursday's hearing to determine the trial date, cause I have to take care of my mom and my pets.

So,this is where I am at. He has strangled me, threw me up against walls, back East, etc.
And you all know what happened here, with the bottle to my head and my head hitting the cement, and being dragged out of the pool, then my leg bleeding.

I live in fear, but now I am just getting ready as much as I can. As they say never let them get you in the kitchen or bathroom.

This is unreal to many, but very real to people who are victims of abusers.

Hugs, Nikko

[bizi]

Dear Nikko,
You sound like you are living in total fear.
When do you see your therapist again....could you call and tell her how afraid you are becoming?
I wonder if you could call the police again or report that you are fearing that he is going to kill you.
This has got to be so hard on you...it sounds miserable.
I certainly do wish that there was a safe house that you could go to....could you enlist a friend to help with your pets and your mom for a bit?
Just wanted to let you know that I am here and am so sorry that you are having to go thru this anguish.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi