with my ex. had chinese. we were supposed to watch Madagascar afterwards but my back was still bothering me, i had misimpressions of his offers to help at dinner (so internal panic), and i got a lot of those "pity" looks as well as hopeless looks around my apartment... and "it's gonna be a mess trying to get it all for saturday (last saturday before key turn in).

i ended up crying profusely. he was comforting but in the back of my mind was the thought of more of those "pity" thoughts/looks. then i said i needed to be alone. no madagascar - wouldn't have enjoyed it.

today i did a kitchen box and also washed some apothecary jars. so little. i have a client viewing the apt tomorrow, a pdoc appt tomorrow, and my landlord on saturday while i'm not here.

more and more often i am getting "stuck" - i sort of just stop... freeze... and stare blankly at one spot for a while... after a few minutes i unfreeze slowly. i am really feeling like i'm falling apart... more and more... i really don't know how i'm going to make it.

w.

Dear waves,
I can't rmember if you take zyprexa or geodon or seroquel as an anti-psych med?
I am alittle concerned for you about the freezing up too.
I wonder if it is just that your mind is swirling with the things that you need to do and your body is rebelling?
sounds harder and harder to focus.
I really wish you could enlist someone to help you see thru this as the time limit comes near.
baby steps as you can.
maybe your exz could help you finish?
bad idea?
bizi

Oh waves, I feel badly. I know how hard this is on you. Maybe after your p-doc appt. he/she could tweak your meds or just talking may help.

I don't know anymore either. I am just not myself and probably not one to be giving advice.

Hang in there, this all has to pass, we have to be strong somehow.

Hugs, Nikko

i had gone up to 150 zoloft when he was on vacation... saw him twice since and now he said go 200 coz i basically looked like somethin the cat dragged in. we were able to talk a bit about some things tho, and i felt better at least for a brief while afterwards. then i got "home."

I have Zyprexa and Seroquel., both scripted prn, both in house. But one or the other or both causes mild mouth movement. so i try to avoid. but bizi maybe 5 mg zyprexa for a couple days might just be a boon. heck if i don' have time to sleep that much - or not in one chunk. i have to have nip-naps and lie downs between packing to ease my back. my pdoc wanted to know all about my back. for some strange reason i found that nice.

will report tomorrow. i think i will need to kinda "check in" as i pack... to show off my boxes as i do them? god i sound beyond pathetic.

hugs to all
~ waves ~

you are going through probably one of the most traumatic events of your life. I hope you are being gentle on yourself and dropping any tendency to self criticize. I wish I could come up with some words of wisdom. I am glad you have upped your medication. I hope they are helping you. Loss makes room for something new. If somebody said that to me right now I wouldn't respond well to that but I won't delete it.
Love as always
Bobby

thanks Bobby. I'm trying. My mind is spinning today... too much stuff... overwhelm, felt like i could do a box and check in etc... but i'm doing a bit o this and a bit o that i feel inherently disorganized i put something down and can't find it literally 5 seconds later... but its not bipolar that - it's just i have SOOOOO much stuff every where my "scan" for things is overwhelmed.

love
w.

i did manage to do some boxes... lets see.

1. CD's and hi fi equipent (mic, pickup etc)
2. make a small miscellaneous box of crap that will go inside my bedside table.
3. started another miscellaneous box of little tiny stupid doodad thingies i don't know what to do with
4. seeled some already packed tape/hi fi boxes (doesn't feel like that counts)
5. stuffed all my socks underwear etc in the shoeboxes they will continue to live in, but made sure they were all full... with whatever was handy. (whew)

Also...

- All bathroom drawers empty.
- All but essential bath items in carry bags, which i think will have to box?? at worst, we take as are tho!

- All bedroom drawers empty and "coalesced" with other boxes, esp the "misc" ones lol... my keyword to moving is "miscellaneous"

- 2.5 out of 3 bedroom cupboards empty.

- small bag hand wash. no i'm notttt doing it here, now...

- stuffed all my hair thingies here and there (bobby i should mail you some... still have long hair? i have soooooo many, mostly little wraps)

- threw out a lot of paper.... i think more to go.

~~~~~~~~~
well i typed a lot. i guess that means i did a lot?

ohhh so much left. i did/do have more energy today though, did a kitchen box last night before getting, get this.. NINE hours of sleep!!! whew!!!

back is still a mess, but i can get around and pack. shoving/lifting is out.

~ waves ~ back to work i guess...

way to go waves...great job!
see you are doing this....I knew you could...
be careful and don't further your injuries....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

boxes left

1 paper
2 bath (stuff organized at least)
1 clothes + shoes big bag
3 boxes of fragil doodads which all need bubble wrapped first
2 more boxes of kitchen - glasses, dishes, big nasty heavy as hell bowls ... all need some kinda buffering...

but i am going to bed. my parents said, go to bed. i thought i would pass out. i have been panting for the past 5 hours. i forgot my Naproxen on time. if it weren't for my back i'd say to heck with it, guzzle coffee and pull an alnighter but too exhausted and pain doing any part of the packing now.

i just realized i am not breathing right now... think finally having anxiety attack gonna take lorazepam should be short acting enough to help put me out, relax my back, yet not interfere with waking dang i sound so lucid writing but dang i feel so messed up every which way.

parents will call at 8 am (friends arrive at 10 to start loading)... will try to do what i can in those 2 hours... at least i will be less tired.

thanks for listening.

thanks for your ongoing support. it is such relief to hear someone believe in you... regardless how things end up. it is a help. thanks

hugs
w