Thank you Waves. It was a good laugh. I still need to check for more posts in this thread.

barbara

hi Mari
 

ya, you got that right.

update... i napped after dinner... which i slunk in and ate after all, without speaking to dad, after being called 3 times very nicely by my mom. it's so weird. she can be so loud and when she gets angry boy... well that's another thing, but today she was kind to me when i came back up.

now is lights out (except mine) and meds time, and mom went off to bed. after sorta talking about what happened. she won't get in the middle because she wasn't there... (fair enough, did not ask her to, anyway) but she was trying to put to me that we're all grouchy in this house and impatient and have our issues and that whatever dad said even if he went off a bit, i probably then went and took it much more personally or heavily than intended. sorry that is not a well-formed sentence but i don't feel like fixing it.

i am trying to keep cognizant that i'm on the edge of a mixed state and so i'm supposed to be receptive to this sort of thought (that i may have overreacted to something). i'm supposed to remember right now - to defer judgement, and defer decisions/actions (such as would be moving for instance). i'm the one saying this to myself - no one else - these are my rules for episode management (of any kind, UP or DOWN)... but i can't get away from the sick feeling i have.

i just went and made myself decaf coffee and used regular by accident. :rolleyes: so i'll be up a while unless 300 extra mg Depakote gets to me. kinda doubt it it's the 24-hour release kind.

no longer in crisis mode but i am not ok either. i feel all tense inside. i felt like the response i got for the request i made was excessive and... i don't want to say abusive but it feels that way. i am trying to remember he is getting elderly and less controlled in what he says, has frustrations of his own... had hip pain yesterday - bad... and who knows what else - he doesn't tell of this stuff, we found out because i asked him... because he was limping!

i am trying to zoom out and look at a bigger picture.

bigger or smaller, i still hurt, my face is still twisted trying to hold back tears which are returning as i type this, and my stomach is in knots. i am still useless here at home, and now i am useless and losing my marbles too.

we had hamburger for dinner. mom makes good burger.

:(:crazy: ~ waves ~ :crazy::(

went to kiss parents goodnight
 

i just went into parents room and asked dad how was hip and how was foot (mom pointed out that sometimes foot hurts too). he said gone. i made joke (faceful of tears mind u) about gone where? anyway, pain gone, he said.

i kissed them both goodnight, told them depakote new dose would probably take 2-3 days to start having an effect and left, crying.

nobody said anybody was sorry. i'm not sorry i just feel like crap. and if he's sorry he ain't ready to say so. but he accepted kiss goodnight. also i broke silence which is theoretically good.

i always feel horrible at these times, thinking about when my parents will not be there at all, for me to kiss goodnight.

i don't really feel better myself. i feel very hurt and very muddled.

Thanks for your posts. I hope that they were not hard to write.
 

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

I guess your mom is trying to keep peace a little -- esp since this incident was not about her.

That's good that you are doing some self-talk about your need for a med change and your Dad's situation. I mean, even if it is not true that there was some over reaction or whatever, you are telling yourself that as a way to calm down and maybe be able to benefit from sleep.

That's a touching family moment you shared about going in to say "good night." It probably helped you to have a calm moment with them (even without the apology from your Dad) so that you can stay focused on keeping yourself calm and in the moment.

It's ok to feel hurt and useless and muddled.
Remind yourself that this will pass.
Moods change.

Sending hugs.
Wish I could send you some company so we could sit together trying to be calm and ok together.

Mari

Thank you Mari. :hug::hug::hug:

And thank you for that thought too. sounds good to me. at least you are here with me and for this i am so grateful. you really do help me keep a grip, you know?

So many ppl just don't get how hard it can be just to be calm and ok, do they. Some don't even care about being calm and ok. it's crazy. and then supposedly we're the crazy ones, go figure. hmmph. :mad::(

sometimes i wonder if we aren't just more in touch with our insanity than a good part of the rest of humanity. :cool::rolleyes: scary thought though.

~ waves ~

:hug: Waves :hug:

I should be up late tonight so I should be able to get on and chat with you if you need someone.

I am sure once you wake up in the morning things will look better than in the moment now. Whenever my ex and I fought I was such a basket case till the nest monring after sleeping. Also, once the new levels get in your system good you'll be looking at things more on the brighter side.

I know it is hard at times to get past the moment we feel in the now time and tell ourselves it will be better and try to focus on that. That didn't come out right. Sorry, it must be the Depakote I take. LOL Seriously though, I should talk to my doctor about getting off of mine.

Hugs,
barbara

Oh Waves, in all your burdens you take time to share with me the wonderful confoting experiance you had. Thank you so very much that was a great comfort me today and I needed it. It was a message for ment for me to have on a difficult day as today was. It lets me know she still inspires.

On the ativan, mine are a .5 and really don't do much of anything but take the edge off for a 2-3 hr period. It will help me to focus but not release the emotions are so needed to be ereased,

I hope you can find some relief and some type of increase can help. Jan feb March are my months of emotional drain and need of an outlet.

I am saying a prayer for you and have you under my wing to feel better, When the days turn nice and daylight longer hopefully you can get a rutn around,
Hugs and Prayers
Di

Dear Waves,
I'm hoping your sleep was / is easy and restorative. :heartthrob:
I hope you remember the enormous good in your heart and let your heart keep you steady.
Sometimes it is best not to do to much thinking.
Rest from thinking maybe and focus on recovery for a day or so. Do the equivalent of chicken soup. And if you can find chicken soup, all the better. Sometimes it helps me to make the figurative literal.
Be well.
Mari

today - quick update
 

last night was exhausted. tried to tuck in earlier 3ish? but the head-crap kept me awake. i had taken my usual 2mg En and new dose of Depakote. after an hour of restless insomnia 2.5mg lorazepam. no worky. i sat up again and took another 1mg of En. eventually i got sleepy and slept, but not well and not much.

i was supposed to go out tonight and am not. had to cancel on my friend. i was worried about that partly - both waking up/prepping for/making it to/throughout the outing, and also not really feeling like going out but not wanting to cancel.

dad is acting like everything is all back to normal today. i looked up something for him on the web. i still feel like i got socked in the stomach and still not breathing right... like after you cry. just not as severe. i have not cried today either. belly breathing has not helped so far.

that's all. i need to wash hair desperately and yet can't get myself to do anything except occasionally eat - just for the sake of it - comfort eating minus any real comfort.

thanks for your posts. i'm sorry i'm not addressing. i just posted to Pam about Seroquel. Man that ****** me off what they did to her. Anyway now am drained.

waves

I hope that you get some good sleep soon, I know hen I was waking up with migraines earlier this week. Don't be too hard on yourself, you have a lot on you rmind right now. :hug: