I know I haven't been around in what feels like forever......I have been thinking about you all. I have lurked once or twice but I felt I needed to just back away and stop reading so many triggering posts until I could get my head on straight.

After my last session with my tdoc I really got something.....I’ve joined the human race. It may seem like a no brainer but when all your years growing up you bought into the idea that you were subhuman, everyone was better than you, everything you did was shameful, etc....you have it imprinted not only on the brain but inside your heart. After Mark did what he did I couldn’t live up to my dad’s expectations and from that day on I despised myself. My tdoc has been telling me over and over that I’m worth it and I sort of got it in my brain but not in my heart.

Since everyone was supposed to be better than me and I was always striving to be good/perfect which of course was impossible, I continually was surprised when people did mean things, never really understanding why it shocked me. I get it now, it challenged my thoughts actually about who I am and that everyone is better.

I used to sometimes just hate the idea of human beings, how mean, etc.....that so many people just betray others......the cruelty, etc. but my tdoc kept talking about the good and bad in each of us, that people are just being people and yes you will be hurt sometimes, many times.

I really get it now, and the weight is lifted from me. I don't need to constantly try to be perfect, I don't feel betrayed by others and I do not have to take it personally. I can do good things, bad things and anything in between, I am not perfect and I am just trying to get by in this world the best I know how, like everyone else. When others fail, gossip, lie, do things not so nice, like my coworkers, I do not have to feel surprised or betrayed because humans fail. Humans have a vast array of capabilities within themselves, some are good and some are not so good. And I’ve come to accept that. More importantly I have to love myself.

I think I had lost some compassion for others. I think I got it back, and I also have a new found compassion for myself as well. I have 3 more ECTs to go and I think all my hard work is paying off. I was really struggling and was using SI as a way to punish myself. My pdoc suggested another series of ECTs and I agreed because it helped before. I hate them and hate the headaches but I’m still alive, that’s how bad I felt.

I’ll struggle with this from time to time but it is something I just got in my heart, not just my head. It puts a whole new slant on life and people.

Dear BJ,


It is great to hear you sounding well.
Yes, we have a vast array of capabilities in ourselves.

I'm so happy to hear that you are feeling compassion toward yourself.

M.

I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. BF

BJ

Love your attitude. And really love the fact you are learning to love yourself.

Way to join the world.

Donna

I hope that you had a nice Easter. BF

BJ,

It is a long hard road to recovery from that kind of past. I'm glad to hear you doing so well now.

barbara

I've been doing a lot of reading and I found a great quote:

“Only when we are no longer afraid, do we begin to live” by Dorothy Thompson

I came across a great article this weekend that I knew I was meant to read. It expressed everything that I felt to be true in my heart about life. It was simple yet concise. My favorite is #9.

http://virtual-notes.blogspot.com/20...man-being.html

I finally realize that hard work does pay off. I'm seeing the end of this long battle with the beast. I'm worn to the bone but I am worth it. I have two more treatments, 3 more weeks of physical therapy on my knee, and 2 more days until tax season is over. I've been working 12 hours a day, seeing my tdoc, going to PT but it feels good, tired but good. And Friday I'm going to the Big Apple with my church to see Jersey Boys. I've been wanting to see that for so long so I'm treating myself.

I hope you had a good Easter too Friend. I just went to church and spent some quiet time with Hooper and took her to the park.

Dear BJ,
I like #9 too. Also #11. I find myself returning to things that I thought I had already learned (and mastered ) once or twice.

A big congratulations on your progress!



This is amazing. You are accomplishing big things for yourself.

And seeing the Jersey Boys in New York City is great way to celebrate the end of tax season.


M.

I haven't read # 9 or 11 yet. But I had to comment BJ you are truely
a inspiration today. I was reading something you posted to Mari earlier
and it just lifted my spirits so much to hear you sounding so good.

And to come to this thread and hear more is even so much better.

I can tell you right now I come sometimes just to see if you have posted something uplifting or sounding like you have a smile on your face.

I am loving that you sound so alive.

You deserve to live to the fullist. So do.

Donna

Awesome!!!!!! You sound so happy, so alive..and are very inspiring.
Yes, hard work does pay off.
I think many of us have been observing your progress.
What a kind spirit you are to post your "findings" along the way.
You are a giving soul.
What is SI? I'm not sure of this abbreviation.
Bottom line...you "get it." You've found compassion for yourself and others. You are willing to accept life's foibles...made peace with this.
You are moving forward. Accomplishing great things!
Wishing you continued blessings.