Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

I think I hear you saying that you are putting aside the grieving work that you want to / need to do because it is too much for now -- even though it persists (perhaps below the surface sometimes) anyway.

It's sad to read about how much you live alone. :heartthrob:

Mari

status... day to day... anger/pain vs. harmony
 

hi

got my labs done on saturday.

started wellbutrin today.

cried my eyes out through most of therapy yesterday.

had a bad anxiety attack before leaving home. the kind with sharp pain/pressure on the sternum and when you have trouble breathing. even on the bus and having taken lorazepam i kept having to remind myself to breathe. i did recover. i also had a beer though when i got off the bus.

had been having fearful thoughts about therapy all week... about therapy being useless, about firing my therapist or him me, about the topics about me being useless... la di da.

actually the session was helpful.

we didn't resume the older topic, nor tackle the grief topic.

basically i just talked/bawled and then we discussed the day to day and my family living. got a bit of perspective. felt better after session. told doc that too. i think it is just as important to share positive feedback like that... since i do share negative feedback.

i think we will have to stay on this day to day dealings thing until i get a grip, because my home life is very hard emotionally.

i am constantly hurled between harmful/disturbing stimuli eliciting pain or anger, and my desire for peace and harmony.

today i have tried to do small helpful things even if i am mostly in bed. like bring my parents tea in bed and wash up the cups/plates.
i called my mom (out shopping) to see if i could meet her someplace to help carry groceries home (it avoid me "hampering" her shopping, my getting tired, but would ease up her physical burden since she is having some small problems.) she didn't need it today.

i called my friend who messages me every day because he is sick, to wish him better in person.

i am just trying to be someone i like, in little ways. because i have been hating myself. those were my first words to my therapist yesterday: i hate myself. well he helped me out of some stinking thinking there. too much idealism, not allowing myself to be human.

but still in the human middle ground i do need some harmony in the midst of this ruckus so i am trying do any little thing i can manage day by day, to make some harmonious moments. not even focusing on self-care so much... that doesn't help me. and i'm not asking for joy, per se. or laughter.

harmony is, for me, perhaps a type of joy. peace with everything including myself.

this morning after she had her tea my mother got up and said she had been dreaming - she hardly ever remembers any dreams - that she was going to give me a hug. and she came and gave me a hug. a real hug, not a stiff one. i let her hug me for as long (not terribly long) as she wanted and let her go. i thanked her. then she gave me a sort of self-defensive look and said "but i'm not a huggy person." i said, well maybe sometimes there is one in there trying to get out. i nearly cried but held it in as it might have upset her, she might not have realized it was because i was so surprised and so touched... and so grateful.

still, today, like yesterday, and the day before... etc, is a difficult day. i am on the edge of tears frequently. i hold back because it is too exhausting to cry all the time and then i get a sinus headache.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
It sounds like therapy is helpful.
I'm glad for that.
I have to go out.
I'll be back. It is good to see your posts.
M.

Dear WAves,
I am glad that you got your labs done.
It is good that you are talking to your therapist and letting him know how you are doing and how he is doing.
I get sad to hear about your crying though.
But was so happy to read that your mother gave you a real hug.
WOW!
thanks for checking in we worry about you
beth

Dear Waves,
Your therapist and the relationship you have with him sounds productive and healing. That is good.
It's sad to read you describe your home life as hard emotionally.

You are working so hard.
I wish that effort counted more in this so that you could reach a pay off soon.

Maybe the effort is the point / result (sounds a bit like the Catholics who raised me).
I don't know. I wish that I could help you.

Can you feel good about the work? That you have done the work and will be ready for some good luck?

(for me, years ago I calculated that reaching a stalemate or better with this disorder was 50% hard work and 50% luck --- not one bit helpful I realize after I type it out. I was young when I came up with my complicated formula :thud: :confused:.)

I think I am trying to say that you certainly deserve some good fortune and that I hope some might be coming your way soon.

I'm going to get out my phone book. It is time to call the good luck truck.
Or the good luck african violet.

M.

day two
 

Beth and Mari thank you both very kindly for reading and responding. i apologize about the duplicate post, i had not realized - i have removed the older one.

Dear Beth yes that was so rare with my mom. very occasionally she asks if i want a hug but then it's like she's doing me a favor. this time it was spontaneous, like she wanted to give me one, period. she didn't even ask if i wanted it! but i did.

and yes, all my plants are sort of sacred, but the little violet that is still hanging on is the one that is special... when i was a bit nuttier i read oracles from it. :o

Dear Mari, thank you and by the way that is a beautiful picture and that flower is exactly the kind (shape and coloring) my oracle violet makes. i showed the plant the picture to remind it what it could do, but told it not to worry about flowers for now and just put some roots! ;) yes, i'm pretty kooky.

i think my relationship with my therapist is pretty good. he is good with thinking and he is quite down to earth. i also have established a high level of comfort with him (can talk about anything just about) but...

it's just that with some things... like the grief, or anything that is profoundly emotional... i don't know. there is something amiss there.

the other thing, and he knows it, is he gets real tired sometimes because he doesn't sleep enough. at times i call him to attention but if i have something long to say and he is tired... well you can just see him sort of fade out and that can be quite unnerving depending what i am talking about. i do not tell him of the unnervingness each time. we have talked about the sleepiness yes. but it is not something he can fix. he has tried. it is a limitation.

nobody is perfect of course.

i had to go and get my exemption renewed recently at the state center. i saw a different doc than last time. this one was a woman with a very kind, friendly manner. i thought i wouldn't mind having her for a doc.

that contributed heavily to my thoughts of quitting with my current pdoc... along with the fact that he could not fit me in last week. (public holiday/long weekend, no room left, nothing personal.) i was so down, i didn't even want to go out; in a way it was a relief not to have to go to therapy, but, it didn't change the fact that it wasn't a choice i had made. so i was fighting abandonment feelings. i know they are irrational at such times, but i still feel them. i know why i have them, i know i am projecting, i have known for years, but i still feel them. i have had limited success with this through cognitive and even supportive therapies. i can normally see through it but i still cannot feel past it.

anyway at the exemption renewal, i was a mess of anxiety. - i was talking in sort of spurts and getting confused and so i kept apologizing for being so frazzled and she asked what was wrong. well there is stupid collections attempt that i have to contest - legally - it is a mistake but is complicated to contest and i had found out day before and was still very uptight - i told her. (i omitted telling her that the exemption appointment itself frazzled me on top... the other was enough and thensome anyway). when i had gone over my meds with her i said i used lorazepam sparingly. but then by the time i left i was so keyed up i told her, see, about now however, i really could use a lorazepam, but i don't have any on me. well, being the state care facility they have an internal med supply and to my surprise she said she could give me a lorazepam - did i want 1.0 or 2.5mg? WELL! nothing like someone feeding you benzo's to order to keep you coming back, eh?! ;) but seriously, i then had to go over to the main hospital to the windows to do all the paperwork which i messed up 3 times ARGGHH! and had to do over again... so thank goodness she gave me that.

but i was left with a thought about changing pdocs... and the facility is much closer. but the therapists are separate unfortunately. and who knows if i'd like my assigned therapist there. if i ever quit therapy i suppose i could go there and ask for her just for a pdoc.

Everyone (anyone who reads this thread) :grouphug:

i'm sorry about being so slow/non present with other threads right now. i guess i am mostly feeling the need to write my stuff out. i feel emotionally spent a lot. i have read some threads... want to respond but feel sort of lost about it, like in so many things. i'm sorry. it won't be like this always. as you all know, i hope. :grouphug:

day two of wellbutrin. so far, so nothing (well they do take a while these AD's don't they). i'm hoping, especially since there was no titration, to start seeing benefit in as soon as two weeks, if any is to be had.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves, :Heart:
You wrote a complete post and yet this is what jumped out at me. Are you saying that you could kind of consider giving up your pdoc / tdoc and getting a new pdoc without picking up a new tdoc?

I can see your moving to some place closer.
Are you saying you want to drop talk therapy?

My long time tdoc used to half fall asleep during therapy. (He had good reasons and was staying up late to do writing / research to soon became a star in his field so I was sympathetic. ) I would start talking louder or something like that to get his attention. This did not bother me then. But I don't know if I could deal with it now.
My pdoc at the time slept very little too. He told me that the body / brain can be trained to get by on little sleep. I wonder how successful he would describe the results of his sleep deprivation experiment if I tracked him down now to ask.


How much does the sleep thing bother you?


I hear you about thinking that this tdoc possibly / maybe can only go so far with you.


That's pretty neat about the offer of the benzo.


Sending lots of hugs. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:


M.

Dear WAves,
I just read your post....
it is late here and I msut go to bed...jeff is already there and is annoyed that I am not in there with him.
YOu are doing a great job of working on getting better.
I am sorry for all of your paperwork issues and such...
so surprised to hear that the woman got you ativan...wow!
take care
sleep when you can:Zzzz:
beth

day 3
 

Mari... about my therapist... separate post. yes, considering leaving - but probably only due to irrational fear of abandonment. therapy as it is is better than no therapy i think. the reflection was on the pdoc i met at the center... if one day i suspended therapy i might consider seeing if i could get her just as a pdoc.

the sleep bothers me a lot at certain times, and not much at other times. it depends on my state. also he has better and worse periods. it is not because he is doing research... he and i have talked about his side of the thing. just doesn't seem to be much he can do. but sometimes i feel like showing up with a thermos of coffee!!! ESPRESSO!!!

Bizi... i hope you got some good rest and Jeff got un-annoyed quickly. also i think we found your hawk... separate post tho. i am about to tuck in myself right now. ;) just thought i'd "log" an update

-----------------------

today i took a shower (major operation) and stressed me out. then i tried to go pick up my lab results. but just going outside wigged me out more... and to make things worse i ran into the neighbor who sort of nagged/encouraged me about going to a pool/gym - she kept grilling me.... arghh... then the lab was unexpectedly closed, so it was a void trip. by then my breathing was way off and things were seeming not right. like i had started to detach sort of. i made myself rest on a bench in shade on the way home because i was already a fair mess by then.

maaaaaajor anxiety attack hit when i got home. major pressure/pain on chest and cant breathe and brain too alive with junk and flitting thoughts and ... i took (yes, you can hit me now) TWO lorazepam sublingual (total, 5.0mg) coz one ain't fast enough... figured i could always sleep later which i did for a short while.

woke up and thought to have coffee - discovered i hadn't even finished my morning coffee - now go figure. i had the rest rather than make a new cup, given the circumstances.

this is bad. i go months without having any such attacks or needing lorazepam at all. lately have needed it occasionally, or just used it for sleep the odd night. but now this is the third attack in about 10 days, and when i had the other two i was not taking wellbutrin yet so i am not prepared to blame it yet on its third day. :(

i'm very sleepy now... good night all.

~ waves ~