there may be cycling as well but i dunno, really. i think if anything the emotions that are there are probably a lot stronger. but i don't know i can't compare to how someone else would feel given the same situation.

it is all triggers one after the other... i'm super sensitive to them now, even things i might not have noticed before. some of the littlest things will snap recall and it can be even by analogy. i can't watch tv. reading (non-technical) is hard. it is weird.

i went weird toxic on trileptal (paresthesia and narcosis during first pass metabolism) - quit it years ago.

i have actually been on a higher dose of depakote for 3 months now but it made no difference, so i just came back down to 500 but only 2 days ago. if it weren't working my guess is i'd be really irascible, and restless - without stimuli by now - doubt i'd have any smooth moments in between. the anger i get is very directed, it is real, it is elicited by events around me in the present that tie into the issues. it is not arbitrarily chemical, although all the emotions may be running stronger because i have a more emotional tendency.

i had to quit lamictal (it was adjunctive to the depakote) over a year ago when i had to switch to the generic because it was giving me terrible nystagmus and hight photosensitivity. the brand name is very expensive. there's no such things as doctor's notes for brand coverage here. it's not an insurance issue. it's state medical and once generic is available, that's all they cover. in any event i didn't notice any difference when i quit, so we decided not to bother experimenting with other generic mfrs.

i do have zyprexa but i am eating compulsively already. my jeans still fit but barely... i know i must be gaining - my face has rounded out, i can't stand to see myself any more - i'm not me. if i take that stuff it will pack pounds on me so fast i will not tolerate that. it is not me. i just want me back.

i will try to find my lab test checklist today
then i will try go to lab for a draw
then i will try to get to GP for the wellbutrin script (state form).

the 800 hotlines don't work from here.

even if i found a local one, i have no privacy - my parents can hear everything. so no can do.

and i don't feel like talking or chatting.

i don't feel like anything.

i just feel like disappearing.

Dear Waves,

I'm feeling that you could use a supportive group of people around you who care about you.
I'm thinking you need hugs and laughs and cries.

For now, I am sending hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:

Mari

I am sorry you are feeling this way.
did you say you just recently lowered your dose of depokote?
could you increase it again to see if that helps?
They have different kinds of chat rooms, serious ones for over 21 there so no joking around in that one. others are light hearted or for teens etc.
I merely suggested it as a way to get to talk to someone when you are feeling alone. I hope that you were able to get some sleep.
beth

thanks beth
 

i appreciate the suggestions on the chat room... i might do that another time... last night probably would not have is all.

decreasing depakote after 2 days has not changed anything. i was miserable before i decreasing the depakote. i have been like this for a couple months, while taking the higher dose. there is no difference.

it is also safer for me to start wellbutrin on a lower dose of depakote because depakote will raise wellbutrin levels, and starting on the XL i have no way of titrating so this will actually reduce my chances of going manic/hypo if/when i start the wellbutrin.

Dear Waves,
I am still pulling for you to get better.
You have someone in your corner.
M.

I am also in your corner and wishing you would have some relief. I just ordered another book on buddhism by Kornfeld. My friend says self acceptance leads to peace and self love. I thought self love led to self acceptance and peace.
love
bobby

it is so true
 

Thank you so much for this Mari. It is true. I wish i had physical people around me, or that my parents were more physical. I miss contact. I feel so untouchable. One friend lives very far with an invalid mother now, so i cannot even see her. My other friend gives me the odd hug when we meet (not often) - essentially hello and goodbye greetings - but that's it.

I asked my parents if we could catsit for a month (found an ad while i was looking at job ads) but they said NO. I understand the reasons, and we couldn't own a pet due to our scrunched setup, but i figured for just a month... oh well. :(

~ waves ~

wow
 

wow, this is cool. thank you so much BJ.

Originally posted by BJ
http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t...renotalone.jpg

Did you do the "Waves" calligraphy yourself? It is lovely. :)

~ waves ~

Mari and Bobby
 

Thank you Bobby and Mari. I am trying to stay calm and keep my thoughts on other things right now. Avoidance. I think i have been overwhelmed. i am considering holding off on the grief therapy for the moment. i don't know if it is too late to re-suppress things temporarily. but i want my mind not swarming with ugly thoughts and body with ugly emotions and recall right now. and i need some peace in my home too but if i don't shut down or subdue this process somehow, that is untenable.

Bobby... gotta love the irony in that! ;)
:confused:
Perhaps it is a virtuous cycle: achieving either one will lead to achieving the other?

:heartthrob:

~ waves ~